Oh, how I missed my crazy beeyotches last week. (The ones on the show, too! Ba dum bum.) But in catching up with last week’s Cashmere Mafia, I was relieved to find that no metallic or neon orange went unworn, no bad decisions unmade, no painfully bad male actor unmacked upon – even by the lesbian!
It’s 6 months ago! Oh wait, no, that’s just the music. Silly me. Kanye and some oddly mid-60s editing walk Mia’s fur sleeves into her office. Rupert Murdoch throws a copy of AdAge on her desk, revealing that Jack has been named the publisher of a rival publishing group. The Drapers meet over a mediation table, where Davis demands the share of money he has made during the marriage plus "manimony". Heh. In the meantime, Zoe and Clayton’s boss demands that they reel in a philanthropist billionaire the following day; Clayton refers to Zoe as "mommy", which – lawsuit, if you ask me. And while she’s suing, she may want to include her hairstylist, because she is rocking some serious pageant hair. Juliet is embarrassed when Davis publicly unloads half of their possessions into a moving van in front of half of Fifth Avenue, and Mia declares war when Anchorwoman Hair wears Mia’s McQueen scull scarf on air. Really? We’re going to the mattresses over something even Lohan, Our Lady of Leggings, has declared passe? Pat Field, a word, please.
Over brunch, Juliet confides in the assembled ladies about her uncivilized divorce, and Caitlin reveals that Mia’s suffering from a JackBack. And oh lord. I have to take umbrage with the fact that these women – a publisher at a media conglomerate, the COO of a hotel chain and whatever it is the Zoe does with money – have sex tapes. Not even locked away in safes! Just…out there in the world! I’ve always been under the distinct impression that sex tapes are something that you only participate in when, deep down, you want someone to see them. But these women? With staff running in and out of their homes all day and night? These women, With their – in Davis’ words -"craven ambition"? They’re just not that stupid.
But I digress! So! Sex tapes! Mia wants hers back from Jack, and Juliet realizes she should probably find hers and Davis’. This segues in the healthiest and most natural of ways to Alicia’s sonogram, attended by her ex Olivia and a very surprised (and slightly territorial) Caitlin. The baby looks healthy, in case you were worried. Mia asks Jack out for a drink to get her scarf back from his "Telepromptress". Heh. The writing tonight is so, so much better than it was last week. She also requests the sex tape, which Jack can’t find, as Mia hid it from the cleaning lady. So…maybe not quite as hopeless as I thought, but still. Jack reminds Mia that she has his number and a key (and hopefully some Rogaine, because I am Not Quite Sure what is going on with Tom Everett Scott’s hair tonight). Is that a proposition? Mia had better hop right on that manny, because there is no worse idea than ex sex, as the famed poet Carrie Bradshaw once exhorted.
Zoe and Clayton meet with their billionaire and his absolutely stunning wife; Clayton, as usual, attempts to fling Zoe right under the bus. Caitlin’s porkpie hat accompanies Mia’s Dollywood costume to Jack’s apartment to find her sex tape, which she finds, along with a video Jack made of himself singing happy birthday to Mia. Helmet Hair (in McQueen!) shows up and she and Mia proceed throwing down. Meanwhile, the wardrobe department is apparently vewy vewy angry with Juliet, who is stuffed into some sort of puffy tartan skirt with a sheer (I know! I know! Christopher Kane 08!) top that just makes her look…skanky. And hippy. And we’ve seen this woman in lingerie looking neither of those two things. But Juliet has no time to focus on her sartorial missteps, because Davis has had a heart attack.
Juliet races to the emergency room, only to find Cilla there already. Apparently Davis’ heart attack occurred, ah, mid-flagrante delicto. Cilla, in an attempt to make nice (?), tells Juliet how liberating and exciting she will find divorce. Juliet doesn’t know whether to be horrified or amused, so she settles on bemused. Caitlin, who is wearing hoop earrings that are without a doubt larger than my bread plates, meets Olivia for drinks to discuss this whole Madison-Has-Three-Mommies thing. Olivia tells Caitlin to step off, and Caitlin tells her that it’s Alicia’s decision who is involved with this baby. Davis comes to and apologizes to Juliet for being an arse, and tells her she can have the apartment. The cardiologist reveals to the happy couple that Davis’ "heart attack" was in fact a panic attack. Juliet….well, she does whatever the Upper East Side version of a smirk is. Her smirkery is short-lived when she goes home to find papers to vacate the apartment – Davis’s lawyer has convinced him that she went to the hospital to take advantage of his weakened state.
Mia!! GLOVES!! And more tartan! And…cropped pants with gladiator sandals!! And, of course, the McQueen. Zoe accompanies Clayton and Billionaire to a geisha club. Zoe is rocking an LBD and telling Billionaire everything he wants to hear – he tells her that the deal is hers. But first she has to lie to his wife, telling her that they are at a chichi restaurant when Billionaire is, in fact, on his way back to the back room for some "one-on-one time" with a geisha. Later, Jack hand-delivers Mia’s birthday DVD and a lot of smooching. The next morning, a postcoital Jack tells Mia he wants to start over with her. Mia discovers that Jack is only ready to be with her because he’s no longer below her on the totem pole of life, and – she’s right, but she’s trying to make some sort of a feminist statement out of this that isn’t there.
Caitlin excitedly enters Alicia’s apartment with bags upon bags of baby gear and tells Alicia she’s ready to be a mommy. But her joy quickly turns to tears when she realizes that Alicia and Olivia have gotten back together. Juliet reports the Aston Martin stolen and has it towed, as the car is in her name. And Clayton has piggybacked Zoe’s work on the billionaire deal into a promotion. She tells her boss that only white men in her firm get promoted, and quits her job. The girls gather for fudge and vodka to celebrate…well, surviving, I suppose. I don’t see how after a day of being dumped, passed over for a promotion, served with eviction papers and re-breaking up with one’s fiance there’s a whole lot of celebrating to do, but hey. I wasn’t invited anyway.
Next week, Mia models lingerie from the Elle McPherson line, Zoe kicks a goal through Clayton’s head, Juliet’s hair looks amazing, and Caitlin is still on this show too!
And? What say my crazy beeyotches? How are those daytime gloves treating you? Are you psyched for the Barney’s Warehouse Sale tomorrow? Can Caitlin be done searching for her sexual identity now? Please?