Has anyone ever noted the title sequence for Crowned? It’s genuinely terrifying. It’s like someone edited it together on an Apple IIgs and had his transgendered downstairs neighbor do the voiceover work. I don’t know. I keep expecting a clown to pop out at me.

Regardless, last week those thinky blondes, the Goal-Driven Gals, were sent home to ruminate on their failures at standup, vlogging, and deep conditioning. Also in need of some hot (boiling? just a thought) oil were the Sincere Sexy Reds and Skin Deep, the latter of whom were inexplicably judged the best of the week.

Team Evil begins to worry about their places in the competition: Christan breaks down in tears, and Tenia scolds Angela for not taking the competition seriously enough. Linnea exhorts the ladies to put on some closed-toe shoes and meet her outside, where she introduces them to John Kingsley, the foreman for the Valley chapter of Habitat for Humanity. The girls are instructed to landscape a front yard, paint a fence, and build a cinderblock wall. Christan, Ada, Angela and Tenia are assigned a fence to paint; Jenileigh, Moya, Hollis and Gina (go team!) build a cinderblock wall; and the oddball team of Patty, Laura, Rachelle and the still-ailing Mindy landscape a yard. Angela’s (assuredly expensive, of course) Cover Girl foundation begins to melt in the heat. Poor Mindy marine-crawls across the lawn laying sod and being generally awesome, but Patty and Laura, probably worried about bursting an implant or three, ask the foreman to take over someone else’s task. Linnea crowns Mindy and Rachelle the winners of the challenge – it turned out that foreman John was actually judging them all on their work ethic and attitude! BUSTED, half of you. They pick the right gift and unwrap some beautiful sapphire earrings. The next morning, Patty and Laura confront Rachelle and Mindy for "being recognized for something you shouldn’t have been recognized for." Laura was dirty! She got her clothes dirty! She got her FACE dirty! Patty’s implants are FURIOUS! Rachelle tries to stay calm but walks out shaking in fury.

The next day, Linnea announces that the next challenge is to give a one-minute presentation on a "soap-box topic" – in a mall. They’re doing a mall tour! Like Tiffany! Ada and Christan struggle with public speaking and their topic, "do nice people finish last?" Angela and Tenia seem to have trouble just understanding the phrase "is body art sexy?" Patty and Laura, unfortunately, are assigned "do blondes have more fun?" and y’all know them well enough to know how they’re going to react to that. Does plastic surgery make you perfect? Mindy and Rachelle don’t think so – but Rachelle reserves the right to change her mind when she gets older. Heh. Hollis and Gina, learning from their critiques last week, decide that they need to add depth to their answer to the age-old question, "do designer clothes or bargain shopping make the outfit?" And Jenileigh and Moya follow up the question "is beauty more than skin deep?" with "who out there wants a hug?" Eying Jenileigh’s biceps, mall shoppers everywhere back warily away.

The Three Horsemen of the Apocalypse sit in judgment as all the ladies troop on out to view videos of their presentations. Moya and Jenileigh did a great job of being themselves and engaging the audience. Mindy and Rachelle verrrrrry gently work their way around the plastic surgery issue in front of Shanna. Which, you know…understandable. Unfortunately they go over their alotted sixty seconds. Laura and Grimace’s presentation is predictably scary but the judges seem to mostly enjoy it, despite Carson’s warnings of getting too "infomercially." Skin Deep brings up the history of body art, focusing especially on its noted connection with the bicycle clubs of yesteryear. Bicycle clubs? Shanna tries to give Angela an "out" by asking if she was nervous, but no! She just flubbed all of her lines! Carson tells Hollis and Gina that mall sales spiked because of their presentation. Awww. Ada and Christan have to check their notes and deliver a truly awesome message: if you’re nice, and you’re finishing last, try to focus on what you’re doing wrong! Um? The Blessed Beauties, Skin Deep, and the Dream Gals are called forward, which means that obviously Hollis and Gina won. Yup. Shanna instructs Skin Deep to pick up the Bedazzled Cuticle Scissors from Hades and desash themselves. They take off their sashes. And then!! Oh my god. Holy crap. Angela whispers "I’m runnin!" and she and Tenia dash offstage. They refuse to snip! Shock! Awe! (And a heartfelt thank-you to the editors of this show for not making us watch Angela run in slow-motion.)

Next week: postmenopausal makeouts! Puke-in-a-box!

But you know your thoughts are the only ones that matter. What did you think? Were you shocked? Were you awed? Are some of you sickos watching Angela run in slow-mo on your Tivos? And WHO is that hussy Gina making out with next week?

Posted by:Jordan Hudson