You want to know the winner for “Dancing With the Stars?” Well, you’re going to have to sit through three hours of packaged clips from the past 10 weeks first. Sorry!
Honestly, we love you “DWTS” (really, we’re looking into a 12-step program), but it was nearly 10:20 p.m. by the time we got anything new out of you. The wait was worth for fans of the winner, though.
Breaking from the frequent tradition of axing one of the three finalists earlier in the broadcast, allowing all three remaining competitors — Kirstie Alley, Chelsea Kane and Hines Ward — to re-perform their favorite dance of the season, in hopes of a high score pushing them across the finish line.
Chelsea and partner Mark Ballas went first, bringing back their “Wizard Waltz” set to the “Harry Potter” score. It was perfect, obviously, adding 30 points to their 59 from the night before.
Kirstie and Maks looked farther back, to that boob-squeezing season premiere Cha Cha Cha and they got perfect marks as well. Why? Because the judges apparently want to drive home the fact that nothing tonight really matters.
Seriously, it’s like a subtle, timely homage to Oprah Winfrey. (“You get a 10! And you Get a 10! Everybody gets a 10!”) Hines and Kym Johnson obviously prove no exception to this, but for the sake of covering all our bases, they danced the Mom Samba from story week. Let’s kick somebody off already…
Here we go! Coming in at third place is Chelsea Kane. And to paraphrase a text message sent from my mother three seconds after the news, “Holy s***.” Sorry America, but we were wrong about the weapons of mass destruction and we were wrong about this. Chelsea belonged in the final two, if not clutching that mirrorball with her light-up LED gloves.
But we have no time to mourn.
It all comes down to Hines or Kirstie, and it’s…. Hines and Kym! For their part, Zap2it readers totally called it, predicting Hines with 56% of our vote. Chelsea and Kirstie were neck-and-neck, with 23% and 20% respectively.
We’d love to stay and discuss what all of this means, but we have to go interview the cast now. Thanks for dancing with us this season, and we’ll see you in September! (Or later tonight with the winner’s interview.)