Happy Mother’s Day, everyone! And get ready to celebrate it in style with some of the most dysfunctional mothers on television: the ladies of Wisteria Lane. Tonight on Desperate Housewives we’ve got real mothers, fake mothers, new mothers, grandmothers, and bad mothers. Unfortunately for the children of Wisteria Lane, not too many good mothers spring to mind. Hmm. With another big jump ahead for the mystery, tonight’s episode regained some of the show’s lost momentum. However, other poorly thought-out plots distracted from the main event. (Special Mother’s Day spoilers ahead…)

Lynette: Wow. I guess this plot with Kayla claiming child abuse was an inevitability, but it’s crossed the line into cringy-painful territory for me. I mean, Lynette has certainly done her share of infuriating things, but to make her hit a child in a crowded store? Even when that child was threatening her own children, that seems a bit out of character to me. At least, I hope it’s out of character. But seriously, wow. Kayla is terrifying! That little girl should be in horror movies, or something. Looks like things are perfectly set up for Tom to leave Lynette and fall right into Edie’s waiting arms. Ha, just kidding. The show wouldn’t repeat itself that much…would it?

Bree: Speaking of Edie, she and Bree totally fail to have the no-holds-barred death match we’ve all been hoping for. For reals, I bet Bree would be deadly in a cage fight. She’s got that killer instinct, you know? I bet she has razor blades tucked into her neat hairdo, just in case. Anyway, I actually kind of liked this plot, if only because it finally accomplished what I thought should have happened a long time ago: Edie’s forcible separation from the other ladies of Wisteria Lane. Sure, it took her hooking up with almost all of their husbands, plus an attempted blackmail, to do it, but Edie is finally being shunned by all womankind. Side note- is Edie the worst blackmailer ever? After finding out that Benjamin is actually her great nephew and Bree’s grandson, she demands…muffins and single men? Oh, Edie. Way to reach for the stars. 

Susan: This plot had me a little confused. I mean, if Mike was close enough to his mother to complain to her about every little fault Susan has, then why hadn’t she and Susan met before? Like, say, in the hospital when Mike was in a coma and Susan was practically stalking him? I’m not buying it. And thus, I’m skipping over it. Mike’s mom is awful to Susan, Susan is pissed at Mike for not standing up for her (and seriously, I’d be a lot more pissed about how much he shared with his mom), Susan goes into fake labor, Susan goes into real labor, voila, adorable baby. Moving on.

Gabby: And while we’re discussing confusing plots, seriously?! This plot is ridiculous. So Gabby and Carlos discover that Ellie is a coke dealer, they turn her into the police like responsible citizens/parolees, and the police demand that they let her stay there, and continue to deal drugs out of their house?!?! Yeah, no way. Not even a little. I get that the police have undercover operations and all, so they might want a dealer to keep dealing, but there is NO WAY they would force ordinary citizens to harbor said drug dealer. The liability alone would be ridiculous–what if a junkie client broke in to steal her drugs and harmed Gabby or Carlos? And somehow Gabby is the most worried about lying to her new friend? This plot is absurd to the nth degree. Pick up your game, writers. Geez.

Katherine: Yes, I’ve saved the best for last. Revel in your genius, everyone who predicted that this was Dylan 2.0. It totally is! I’m sad to say that while I thought this was a possibility back in the beginning, I’ve long since assumed the mystery was far more mundane. Foolish me. Dylan is totally NOT THE REAL DYLAN! So okay, let’s lay it all out: Katherine does appear to be truly afraid of Wayne. She also clearly buried the real Dylan in a secret woodland grave way back when. And she hit Wayne in the head really hard at some point. Oh, and her second husband had access to lots of babies back in Chicago. Okay, that’s all I’ve got. Go crazy, people. What’s the deal, here?

Who’s the worst mother on Wisteria Lane? What the heck happened to the real Dylan?

Posted by:Liz Pardue