Susan’s heartfelt kindness toward Paul certainly couldn’t go unpunished for long, and soon enough crazy old Felicia’s managed to weasel her way into the house — via her daughter’s sentimental kidney — and launch a full-on poison attack on the comfort food Susan’s cooking for Paul. (And if you were hoping she’d continue to cackle and babble at Beth’s ashes, you are in luck.) Mike and Susan are back in the financial black, and can finally afford to move back into Paul’s house, but Susan feels weird about kicking him out — especially now that she’s poisoning him three times a day and he’s looking sicker and sicker. Susan lightly suggests that he move out of the locus of his depression, and he comes to one of those weird Paul Young conclusions where she and Mike have been trying to get him out of there this whole time… It’s sad, especially for Susan, who has been nothing awesome this entire time, and for Paul, who is lonelier than ever… And ends the episode dying alone on Susan’s kitchen floor.
Tom hires Lynette and Renee to redecorate his office, which pushes Lynette’s mission to emasculate him to a whole new limit: How can she somehow make this about teaching him a lesson? Well, by first making fun of his ideas, and then ignoring them altogether, of course — as well as all of Renee’s input. And how does this work out? Oh, Tom loves it! Lynette cheers herself on at length… Only to see that Renee has double-crossed her, wisely, and followed Tom’s original wishes. Seeing Tom happy burns Lynette throughout her entire body like she’s been eating Susan’s poisoned brownies, so she harangues Tom until he explains that it’s not about his masculinity, it’s about defending his rep against the younger, more bloodthirsty partners. Things are left even uglier than last week, clearing a path for what I fervently wish would be a divorce (and dare we hope, a finale wedding to Renee?).
Bree’s condescending attempts to parent Gabrielle’s kids gets off to a terrible, hilarious start — basically, they are too awesome for her to even comprehend — but soon enough she’s distracted by a hot new detective in the neighborhood, Chuck Vance, who’s investigating Felicia for some reason. Juanita’s attempt to Parent Trap Carlos and Gabi back together goes awry when Carlos tells her the story of her namesake’s death, and she relates the story to Celia thus: “Bree killed grandma.” Very succinct, very Juanita. Bree’s etiquette lessons and household rules assume a horrifying new shape in light of this untrue revelation, somehow convincing both ladies that Bree’s housetraining was successful.