You knew it was coming. In a show rife with spoiled, entitled rich folk and siblings who seem to draw strength from inappropriate behavior, it was only a matter of time before a sex tape turned up on Dirty Sexy Money.

First things first: A blackmailing Aussie has left a message for “Rebecca Colfax, Darling family publicist” (I’m turning that into a drinking game), threatening to release the sex tape on the internet and ruin Patrick’s Senate campaign unless a $1 million ransom is paid. Of course, everyone assumes it’s Patrick.

Patrick denies it, and Nick insists on interviewing the Darling sibs about whether it could be theirs — even after RCDFP’s assurance that all of the Darlings are liars. Juliet’s out — she’s a virgin. Jeremy, Bloody Mary in hand, says he just collects sex tapes — of celebrities, prompting Nick to ask, “You have a sex tape of Buddy Ebsen?” Karen, Bloody Mary in hand, responds, “You mean like a mix tape?”

When Nick and RCDFP see the video, starring Karen in a position called “The Italian Banker,” Karen admits she lied and sends Nick to see (Italian) banker Paolo Volva to get the ransom from a vault stacked with gold bars and shelf upon shelf of cash. The kicker, of course, is that position was named after Mr. Volva’s grandfather.

Nick, a million smackers tucked in a duffel bag, goes to make the drop only to learn that someone else has bought the tape. Later, he finds out who: billionaire philanthropist/possible Dutch George murder suspect Simon Elder (Blair Underwood, whose appearance I anticipate with great delight), for $3 million.

As for the rest of the not-so-Darlings, Patrick kicks off his Senate campaign — nearly derailed by a drunken panic — at a Bulgari store. A Bulgari store? That just screams “man of the people,” no?

Meanwhile, Tripp keeps pushing the Simon Elder angle on the Dutch murder mystery front. “Personally, I think the dossier that your dad compiled on Simon Elder is pretty damning,” he says to Nick. The cops, however, aren’t biting.

Highs:

  • Billybaldwin_dirtysexymoney_240
    Patrick, on why he doesn’t make sex tapes: “Quite frankly, I don’t find them to be … very romantic.” Awww.
  • RCDFP on Patrick’s denial: “Patrick made the sex tape, Patrick’s lying, Patrick’s going to be the next lying president of the United States of lying America.”
  • Karen, on why she can’t go see banker Paolo herself: “Nick, if I go in and ask him for money to pay the blackmail for a sex tape, he’s just going to go tell daddy.” Pause. “Like he did last time.” Genius. 
  • Tripp keeps Condoleezza Rice waiting on the phone while he outlines for Nick the two times Dutch saved his life.  And, weirdly, lies that he didn’t know about the affair between Dutch and Letitia.

Lows:

Tripp’s dialogue continues to be straight from the Blake Carrington playbook. And not in a good way:

  • "Patrick, you can do great things if we win this election — great things. You have to get your house in order." Vito, I have a favor to ask you.

Donald Sutherland deserves better — he’s working hard, and succeeding, at breathing humanity into a character that seems to be written like a cartoon.

Patrick’s dialogue isn’t much better.

  • In the midst of his drunken pre-campaign party binge, Patrick discusses “how much love I’ve given up to be in this family.” Swallow drink.  “Ahh — sweet nectar.”  Really?
  • Same conversation: “I’m a scion. I’m a Darling twig. A tender shoot that’s stuck to a tree — that I cannot live without. Here’s to the tree…. that’s killing me.” Oh brother.

We find out that Dutch used to say things to Patrick like “let yourself go.” I know DSM creator Craig Wright was a writer on my beloved Six Feet Under, but this is a little too Nathaniel Fisher for my taste.

What do you think? Are you loving most of the writing and the details as much as I am? Do you think the Dutch murder storyline is holding together?

 

Posted by:Lisa Todorovich