Are you nervous?! I’m so nervous! It’s like there are bewinged tiaras flying around in my stomach! I feel the same way Patty felt before she ralphed into that gift box last week!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the time has come. The moment is here. Within the hour, one mother/daughter team will stand, sashed and proud, richer in the pocketbook and poorer in the race for human dignity. And if that team isn’t Hollis and Gina, so help me God, I’m going to beat Shanna Moakler to death with her own weave.

The four remaining teams move into their dressing rooms behind the pageant stage. Patty and Laura allow themselves to be photographed without makeup (which, honestly…never again, ok, guys?) Hollis and Gina tear up over their love for each other, while Rachelle accuses her mother of having overly-curly hair. All of the teams, including the desashed ones, take the stage for the opening number. And, side note, Pamela of the weird old Tomboy Queens looks fantastic. They bring out the pageant emcee and OH MY GOD JACK WAGNER. This show just got soooooo much better. Jack Wagner dreamily introduces the orange Carson, the extraneous Cynthia, and the bemulleted Shanna, and we’re off to…

The swimsuit competition! Laura and Patty take the stage and, honestly, a woman that age shouldn’t have a better ass than I do. Bravo, Patty’s plastic surgeon! I take back every word I ever said about her face. However, these two so obviously hate each other that it really comes across onstage. Moya and Jenileigh look buff and adorable in their suits, with Moya even rocking a very mom-appropriate sarong. Holy crap, Hollis has a bod under that Patty Duke hair, and Gina looks lovely in one-piece and sarong, but Carson feels like their teamwork was off. Rachelle and Mindy’s suits aren’t coordinated together, and the judges agree that Mindy still can’t get over her nervousness. Jack dreamily announces the scores: the redheads in 4th, Mindy and Rachelle tied with Hollis and Gina in 2nd, and Moya and Jenileigh in first. Before I have a chance to think that if this were a real pageant, these scores would be completely reversed, Mindy collapses onstage. She blames a combination of cold air and tight shoes, and the medics wheel her offstage with an oxygen mask to rest.

It’s time for the talent competition, and Laura hasn’t rethought the whole "Climb Every Mountain" thing. She has, however, rethought memorizing the song, and not only messes up, but stops and announces "I messed up!" and walks over to the piano to…discuss? The judges remind her that she needs to react with class and grace and all of those things so foreign to both redheads. Moya and Jenileigh perform their aerial act beautifully and have incorporated the judges’ notes, bringing tears to Cynthia’s eyes. Hollis and Gina have fixed the pitch problems that plagued their rendition of "Come Rain or Come Shine". Rachelle and Mindy perform their sailor-suited swing routine (say that 5 times fast) and Mindy looks a thousand times more confident than she did the first time they performed this number. Jack dreamily recaps the swimsuit scores before launching into the talent scores. Overall, the Redheads are in 4th, the Dream Gals in the 3rd, the Daredevil Divas drop into 2nd, and the Diamond Dolls are in 1st.

Patty and Laura traipse around the stage in evening gowns that would be appropriate for a stripper formal. Carson, with a straight face, looks at Patty’s nude mesh corset and tells her that he wants her in something…sexier. He’s joking, right? Is this gay humor I don’t understand? Jenileigh unnecessarily adds rhinestone drop earrings to a rhinestone choke-collared dress, and Moya’s dress is a little dated, but they both look very nice. Hollis and Gina look incredibly classy to me, so of course Carson thinks they look dowdy. Mindy is poured into a glittery champagne sheath and Rachelle looks gorgeous in a sort of a 2002 Elie Saab sort of way. Somehow this escapes Carson’s notice, and he has nothing but praise for both Diamond Dolls. Jack announces the scores – you guessed it – dreamily. The overall scores stand thusly: the Diamond Dolls in first, the Daredevil Divas in second and OH MY GOD! AMBUSH! DESASHING! The cabana boy comes out with the Twinkling Kitchen Shears from Hell and presents them to Hollis and Gina, who desash the redheads. (At least Hollis has the class to not even pretend to be upset about this development.)

Rachelle and Mindy come out for the interview portion of the pageant and speak about their platform issue: organ donation. It’s very sweet, but Rachelle really doesn’t allow Mindy to speak much. Jack asks the ladies how much of the prize money they would be willing to donate to their charity. Rachelle says that she will use as much of the money as it takes to help get her organ-donation charity off the ground, and that the remainder will go to pay off Mindy’s remaining medical bills.  Gina and Hollis speak about teaching communication in schools to students and parents. However, my beloved girls are taken aback at the donation question, and eventually stammer out "ten percent?" As a question. Which is not good. Moya and Jenileigh speak about the importance of following one’s dreams. Of course, Moya and Jenileigh are willing to donate the entire chunk of change – despite being HOMELESS – and they have completely won this pageant. There’s just no way around it.

Jack, upping his dreamy game, reminds us of the prizes that Hollis, Gina, Rachelle and Mindy won’t be winning. The second runner-up is….Hollis and Gina! They spout off about "lessons" and "teamwork" and are essentially very surprised they didn’t win. And the winners are…Moya and Jenileigh! (Told ya so.) Mindy and Rachelle are incredibly gracious as Linnea crowns and sashes the Daredevil Divas. And honestly, as cheesy as this whole thing has been, it couldn’t happen to a nicer pair of ladies.

And so, gentle readers, I bid you adieu. But before we part, I leave you with some exciting news! The CW has begun casting for season 2. YES, of this show. Seriously. No, really. Really! Season Two! Hurry and put your very best mother-daughter strippercise routine on VHS! And I will continue to see some of you all whilst wading through the stiletto ghetto of ‘Cashmere Mafia’ and, in just seven short weeks, while attempting to pierce my own jugular with the thorns of a rose discarded by ‘The Bachelor’.

Final thoughts?  I was truly impressed by what good losers Patty and Laura were after being such horrible competitors. And Hollis and Gina just didn’t follow through for me. But what did you think? Are you sad to see ‘Crowned’ go? Do you wanna be on top, in just 3 short weeks?

Posted by:Jordan Hudson