Tonight’s Paradise Hotel 2 left me giddy as a busful of schoolgirls who have been force-fed pixie sticks and exposed to baskets of puppies and kittens while listening to boy bands. No, it’s not because we now know the winner, or that we discovered the "ultimate prize," or that we got to hear countless self-serving arguments about why one person is awesome and all other people suck. No, it’s because the show is over, and I’m finally free. Free! FREEEEEEEEE!

Two spoilers from Paradise.

The final two discuss how awkward last night was — Everyone was so MEAN! "It’s like their egos are shot!" muses Stephanie. Egos? On a reality show about drunken narcissists? Really?

The finalists learn that they’ll make their cases to the jury, and the jury will be able to ask them questions. The jury being made up of a bunch of bitter kicked-off contestants, the questions are ugly.

Myrna asks Zack why he was MEAN TO HER. Krista asks TD why she was MEAN TO HER. James asks Steph if she’s a slut, and if so, why she didn’t sleep with him. Mike asks TD why she was MEAN TO HIM, and why she forced Ryan to be MEAN TO HIM. Lauren reminds everyone that people were MEAN TO HER. I fail to care about any of it.

Curiously, Chris and Aaron don’t get to ask their questions. Perhaps they weren’t sufficiently self involved to ask MEAN TO ME questions, and therefore the editors kindly cut them for thematic reasons.

Then it’s time for the speeches. Allow me to paraphrase:

Zack: Blah blah blah… I kept my commitments, blah blah blah. If you respect someone you honor they commitment to blah blah, if I keep saying "commitment" and "respect" enough, maybe you’ll remember that Ryan screwed you over, ok?

Stephanie: Blah blah this experience was so awesome, you’re all awesome, let me tell you about how awesome you are, and wasn’t this awesome? Awesome!

TD: You had  your minds made up when you came here. I lived with you guys, you know me, take it or leave it. I speak my mind, screw you. I don’t feel like I should feel guilty. Wah! I gotta be meeeeeeeee!

Ryan:  Mike, Krista — last night’s decision was about competition — I compared you to my friends, who would have just dealt with it instead of being crybabies. THEY would respect me, even if you won’t. Forgive me, get over it, I want to party with all of you.

Amanda asks the jury to vote and the count comes out three for TD and Ryan, four for Stephanie and Zach. Stephanie and Zach win! Let’s go home!

Oh, wait, there’s a twist — how shocking! Ryan and TD get to choose one person to get "the ultimate prize." After some deliberation, they choose Zack. Great, he won, thank you and good night!

Except… there’s one more twist. Zack finds out that the "Ultimate Prize" is $200,000 (which doesn’t sound terribly "ultimate" to me), and that hw now has a choice: He can keep the whole amount, or he can split it with one or two other people/ Would he like to think about it?

Another commercial, another drawn out pause, and finally Zack comes out with it. He decided to share the money: TD gets $20,000, and Stephanie gets $90,000. Zack keeps the remaining $90,000. Everyone claps and applauds and ooohs and ahhs about how awesome Zack is, and the show was, and dear god, it’s finally, finally over! Hooray!

Posted by:Sarah Jersild