On this week’s episode of Flash Gordon, Flash and Zarkov meet a tribe of blue people who are so not Smurf-like in friendliness, Detective Joe does the stupidest thing ever, and Ming the Mundane pops up entirely too much.

Aren’t spoilers just smurfy?

Using the stolen info from Rankol and some Imex fanciness, Zarkov has figured out a way to calculate the points in which Mongo and Earth are connected the closest (access points). In other words, they don’t have to wait for Ming the Mundane to create rifts – they can do it themselves with the rift blaster. The only problem is that Zarkov chooses to demonstrate this in a quasi-public area and the only way a rift closes is either for it to dissolve on its own or for someone to go through…which he and Flash have to do since a postal worker was coming and they couldn’t risk getting caught.

They end up in a forest where the ground smokes when you step on it causing a fog. Which is cool, but unfortunately the access point the used has shifted and Flash and Zarkov now have to stick around for awhile. Suddenly, a Hawkman runs past being chased by blue men with spears (they are called the Zurn). Flash being Flash, goes to check things out because believes he recognizes the Dactyl as a man named Gerace. They follow the blue men into a cave and watch as a woman named Azura, who supposedly speaks for their god Rao (complete with glowing eyes and deepened voice – Stargate SG-1, anybody?), goes on about there needing to be a sacrifice to avenge the death of one of their warriors during a recent water rations raid and raving about an ensuing war with the Dactyls. Gerace denies the Hawkmen’s involvement but the Azura doesn’t believe him. As all this is happening, Zarkov figures out a way to make a smoke bomb out of the ground and some stuff Flash found in the room these nutjobs paint themselves in. They throw out the bomb just in time to save Gerace and they all take off running, narrowly escaping to the Dactyls new campgrounds somewhere nearby.

Meanwhile at Ming the Mundane’s palace, Rankol tells him of the ensuing war between the Zurn and the Dactyls and advises a peace summit to show that Ming gives a crap about his people. Ming agrees but when Rankol mentions that their clean water supply is running out soon than projected and that they may not be able to keep their ration agreements, Ming the Minor has a hissy fit and tells Rankol that there is no water shortage.

Flash talks to Vultan and finds out that the Zurn don’t care that the Dactyls have been set up but Flash wants to try and prove their innocence. Since there’s an access point that’s going to open near the camp soon, he tells Zarkov to stay there and go home as soon as it opens. Flash goes to visit Vorak, the shady dude that he traded his quasi-futuristic motorcycle jacket to a few episodes ago for uniforms and verification that got he, Baylin and Zarkov in to Nascent City. Flash found out the location and description of the man who bought three Dactyls uniforms in exchange for his sunglasses and his sneakers. Mental note: bring clothing and shoes I don’t care about when bartering on other planets. Flash finds the guy at a tea house (which is seems to be some combo of bar, brothel and opium den) and gets him to cough up what happened – three guys, probably raiders, needed Dactyls uniforms and paid handsomely for it. He didn’t have any remorse for his actions possibly starting a war because he figured Ming the Mercilessly Lame was going to stop it – there are holo-vid broadcasts about him summoning the leaders of both tribes to the palace for the peace summit. Seeing a passed out Cobra Trooper, er, I mean Nascent City guard, Flash has an idea.

At the palace, Ming talks to both tribes and neither can prove the guilt or innocence of the Hawkmen so Ming has no choice but to let them resolve it themselves…until Flash in the guard uniform shows up with the Tea House Snitch who tells everyone about the impostors. During all this, Rankol notices Flash’s watch (he hides it behind his back as soon as he notices Rankol noticing) but, strangely, he says nothing to reveal Flash’s identity. Given this new information, Ming makes Azura and Vultan take a vow of peace. Except Azura has no intention of keeping it as she tells the two tribesmen with her to prepare to attack as soon as the Hawkmen let their guard down. When one of them questions why she’d want to do that, she kills him and leaves him on the floor in a hallway of Ming’s palace. It would suck to have to clean up in that place. Can you imagine the number of bodies you’d have to move?

Back in the throne room, Rankol comes in and tells Ming what a good idea it was to frame the Dactyls and start a war – all the casualties would have relieved the burden on the water supply. Ming sort of commends him for figuring it out and mentions that someone is working against him…and that he has a plan to deal with them. Rankol bows and leaves…and looks a smidge nervous about the eyes since he’s clearly working against Ming on some level. I’m not sure what the endgame is, but I’m sure we’ll get a hint about it soon.

When Vultan and Flash return to camp, they see the end results of the Zurn sneak attack – many were wounded or killed and they captured a few for sacrifice, including Zarkov (dressed in Hawk-garb because he had a bad experience with fire thistle – it’s like poison oak or ivy, except it burns, it buuuuuurns!). One of the surviving Dactyls calls all the Hawkmen who were not at camp to prepare for battle while Flash and Vultan go to the Zurn cave to try and save their captives. Once there, they see that Azura is preparing to kill Zarkov first. Fortunately, Flash has the rift blaster and an idea. Vultan goes forward and tells Azura that if she’s to sacrifice anyone, it should be him. But before she does, he tells the Zurn that Azura is a big fake a that Rao is angered by her deception. Que Flash stepping out of a rift in the middle of the cave, painted blue and wearing the ceremonial god mask from the painting room. With all the Zurn bowed in reverence, Azura sneaks away and Flash takes Zarkov through the rift.

Back at Ming’s, Azura shows up all mad since they had a deal and it failed. She threatens Ming the Monotonous with death, but Ming says she wouldn’t kill him because he’s the only friend she has left. And then he kisses her. Ew. I suppose this crazy heifer may show up again…

Other Highlights & Tidbits:

  • Joe, like a dunce, tells his Captain all about Mongo, government conspiracies, and such in a report. Naturally, he thinks Joe’s crazy. To prove he’s not, Joe brings up all the old unsolved cases related to aliens and explains each one to the captain. It doesn’t help. At all. The only living witness to any of this madness is the Hawk-kid and, if he didn’t tell Joe what was really going on, why would he admit anything now? So the Captain calls in Dale. Joe looks at her expectantly…and she tells the Cap that’s it’ll all a big joke and that she told Joe it wasn’t funny. She then looks at Joe and says, "Tell him it was a joke." But he doesn’t, instead opting for reiterating his claims and looking all ticked that Dale didn’t back him up. When she leaves the room, the Captain asks for Joe’s gun and badge. I don’t know if he’s fired period or just going to be under psych evaluation, but either way that’s what he gets. Look dude, she gave you an out and you didn’t take it. Not only that but, if she didn’t tell you what was going on for weeks, what makes you think she’ll back you up now? Hello! Government conspiracies?!? The second that report hits the wrong desk, Joe’s toast.
  • In order for Flash to go on this little accidental adventure, he had to leave Nick alone to wax a car they’re entering in a show (and they’re on a tight deadline). Before he left, Nick suggested to Flash that Baylin help. Flash says no but after he leaves, Nick asks anyway and Baylin agrees to help. After they finish waxing the car, Nick asks Baylin out that night in an amusing exchange ("strangle the digglish" is indeed a game, not a euphemism). When Baylin asks Dale what a movie is (Nick suggests they "grab a movie" and Baylin thinks it’s a body part), they get in a conversation about relationships of a casual nature using all Mongo terms. This was, by far, the most amusing part of the whole episode. Kudos to both Karen Cliche and Gina Holden.
Posted by:Tamara Brooks