It was the best of all possible multiple worlds on Flash Gordon: Evil Rankol, insane Zarkov, butt-kicking Baylin, and plot advancement. Plus, sexual tension (and comedy) between Flash and Dale! A government whackjob! A tabloid TV reporter who gets her comeuppance! And, best of all, no Ming!

Next up on Channel 7: Spoilers.

First things first: Rankol has Papa Gordon, and he’s some variety of alive — I think. At least, Rankol is able to talk to him by tapping directly into his head. Gordon himself looks pretty comatose, but hey, at least he’s there.

Rankol needs Papa Gordon’s help because all these rifts are starting to mess with the fabric of the universe, and everything could go boom if it’s not taken care of. When Papa Gordon refuses to help, he sends his butt-kicking babe to retrieve Zarkov so he can help. The babe, Jenessa, isn’t worried about discretion, so she gets caught on a guy’s camera phone. The guy immediately calls the TV news.

Which brings up to Sub Plot A: Dale Arden, Girl Reporter. She’s fighting with her arch-rival, Susan Glass, who’s more about fame than actual journalism. How do we know who’s the virtuous woman? Susan wears a sweater with a deep V neck, exposing her cleavage. Dale wears the exact same sweater, but wears it turned around so her bouncy bits are completely covered. Dale wants to destroy Susan in defense of responsible journalism.

And that leads us to Sub Plot B: While Dale and Flash are trying to stop Susan from running the story, they’re overheard by a government agent in a van, who nabs them, encases them in plastic wrap, shoots them full of truth serum, and attempts to interrogate them. Eric Johnson and Gina Holden are delightful, trying their damnedest not to spill secrets, then getting sidetracked by relationship questions. Dale spills that Flash is the best kisser she’s ever known, then tries to ask him who he prefers — her or Aura. You almost feel sorry for the government whackjob who has to listen to all this.

Baylin tracks down Jenessa with the help of Earth’s greatest export, then finds Zarkov and tries to rescue him. Unfortunately, Rankol has spent their entire time together talking about saving the universe, working together, being great and respected men of science, blah blah blah, so Zarkov doesn’t want to leave. Baylin gets him back, but Zarkov doesn’t look happy about it. When he returns to the lab, he realizes he’s taken some of the formulas he was working on with Rankol, and gets to work on them. This can’t be good.

Highlights, thoughts and potentially important information:

  • Before our heroes overcome Government Whackjob, he tells them the Imex is a molecular computer that contains a map of the universe,  something that was found in an ancient Incan temple. Plus, he claims, Papa Gordon stole it.
  • Baylin discovers both Pop Tarts and the joy of chocolate, and the look on her face is priceless. She even uses chocolate as a bribe to get information out of reluctant sources on Mongo. I can see that working.
  • The skater dude who called in the story calls Susan because he loves her. Why’d he call Dale? "My mom watches you."
  • Flash defeats Susan Glass by doing a nifty Men in Black impersonation on the guy who originally saw the alien babe with the raygun, convincing him to lie and say he made the story up. Again, Eric Johnson was having a good night.
  • Zarkov did everything but rub his hands together and cackle “They called me mad, mad!” when he’s contemplating his status as a scientist on Earth.
  • Zarkov and Rankol figure out Earth and Mongo are the planetary dimensional equivalent of two sides of the same coin — opposite, but never really apart. If they could map the universe and figure out the places where the dimensions naturally thin and overlap, they can travel between the dimensions without doing quite so much damage to the universe. Zarkov seems to think this is a good thing. I can’t help but think it will just lead to an army of Mongoites invading earth to take our water — and, worse, our chocolate.
  • Rankol is not a nice man — he poisons his butt-kicking-babe flunky when Zarkov escapes. I guess they wanted to remind us who the villain is.
  • Government Whackjob tries to take out Flash and Dale in his van, and ends up accidentally driving straight through the rift to Mongo. Oops. Again, I doubt that will end well.

What did you think? Were you loving the Flash/Dale truth-telling scene, or was it not your idea of a good time? Has Zarkov completely lost it? Did you cheer for the Baylin/Jenessa fight, or did it leave you longing for Xena and other battling babes shows?

Posted by:Sarah Jersild