On “Glee”: So, Puck’s been sent to juvie because he stole his mother’s car, rammed it into a convenience store, and made off with an ATM machine. For some reason, this means all the other kids in New Directions have to pair up for a duets competition as a way of welcoming their newest Club compatriot, Lady-Lips Von Bieberhair. Because Mr. Schue throws in a gift certificate that’ll cover dinner for two at Breadstix as a prize for the winning couple, the scheming amongst the devious teens is immediate and fierce, with Finn and Rachel quite naturally assuming they’ll walk all over the others because they’re the supposed stars of the show. Or something like that.
Unfortunately, and much to Finn’s horror and dismay, Kurt develops an instant crush on Lady-Lips. You see, Finn’s convinced himself that Lady-Lips is their ticket to Nationals in New York City next spring, and if Kurt pulls on Lady-Lips this season what Kurt pulled on Frankenteen last season, Lady-Lips is sure to run, screaming, from the McKinley High music room, never to return. Rachel, surprisingly enough, quickly agrees that keeping Lady-Lips in Glee is their No. 1 priority for the week, so the two secretly plot to throw the competition over to the new arrival and his partner by singing a song that is both bad and offensive, like everything from “Grease 2.”
First, however, they must find a more suitable companion for Lady-Lips. They are aided immensely in this endeavor — though not to their knowledge — by Burt Hummel, who’s already on the mend after his contrivance-induced coma last week. Seems Denim Carole finally gave him Finn’s side of that whole inappropriate-boycrush situation from last season, so Burt tells his son that, like it or not, Kurt’s got to be patient and learn not to force things with straight boys, even if that means Kurt will never experience all of the bulls*** angst-ridden teenaged high-school romance crap his peers insist upon belaboring us with week after endless week. Kurt sighs and admits his father is right, then proceeds to relieve Lady-Lips of the latter’s obligation to him in favor of flying solo for the contest. Upon hearing this bit of news, Finn and Rachel immediately connive to shove Lady-Lips into Quinn’s extremely reluctant arms, and wouldn’t you know it? Seems like Lady-Lips and Quinn were made for each other. What are the odds?
Meanwhile — and get ready for this — Brittany and Santana Lopez make cuddly plans to sing together until poor little Brit-Brit gets all weird and clingy about the whole thing, so Santana Lopez teams up with former rival Mercedes instead, and while all that’s going on, Single-T Tina and Gaylord Wiener start squabbling in the library because Gaylord’s mama eats chicken-foot salad for dinner every night at The Dim Sum Palace, and Artie overhears their bickering and thinks he might have a chance to get back together with Single-T Tina, but then Single-T Tina and Gaylord make up, and Artie’s left out in the cold until Brittany sets her adorably dim-witted sights on him for whatever reason, and then Brittany and Artie totally Do It in Brittany’s bedroom, but then Artie breaks up with Brittany because Brittany made Artie feel like a cheap slut, so Artie and Brittany voluntarily withdraw from the competition. Whew.
Of course, Rachel and Finn’s crazy plan works in the end: Lady-Lips and Quinn win the coveted Breadstix gift certificate and enjoy a rather endearing date together, though where this particular subplot’s going to end up by next week is anyone’s guess.
Featuring Elton John’s “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart,” originally performed with Miss Kiki Dee; Crazy Phil Spector’s “River Deep — Mountain High,” originally performed by Ike and Tina Turner; “Le Jazz Hot” from “Victor/Victoria,” originally performed by Dame Julie Andrews and a host of absolutely incendiary fairies; “Sing!” from A Chorus Line, originally performed on Broadway by Renee Baughman and Don Percassi (though that link features Chryssie Whitehead and Tony Yazbeck from the 2006 revival); “With You I’m Born Again,” originally performed by Billy Preston and Syreeta Wright; Jason Mraz’s “Lucky,” originally performed with Colbie Caillat; and the justifiably legendary medley of “Get Happy” and “Happy Days Are Here Again” from “The Judy Garland Show,” as performed by Barbra Streisand and Judy Garland.
Photo credit: FOX