Dear “Gossip Girl“: You know we love you and your absurdly unrealistic, yet highly entertaining storylines. You are the guiltiest of our guiltiest pleasures and for that, we love you. That’s why we have to tell you this, it’s what a true friend would do: You are not “Lost.” We need answers and we need them, like three episodes ago.
We totally get that Juliet (Katie Cassidy) is supposed to be this season’s “big bad,” but we’re already six episodes into this season and we haven’t gotten any answers as to why she is seemingly hell-bent on destroying the lives of our favorite Upper East Siders (and also why she is always wearing grey businesswear…on a college campus).
We’ve decided to get our Veronica Mars on and do a little investigating of our own to try and figure out what Manhattan’s elite did to royally piss off Juliet, her locked-up brother Ben (We thought he was her boyfriend. So not shocking, but still ew!), and Serena’s love interest turned professor turned accomplice Colin (Sam Page).
Theory No. 1: Remember the time Serena (Blake Lively) totally thought she killed a guy (Pete Fairman to be exact) way back in Season One, even though she really didn’t? Maybe the said dead dude has a family member who believes S really is to blame and has decided to exact revenge.
Why it doesn’t work: It seems like Juliet & Co. are targeting more than just Serena; They seem to be trying to take on most of the gang.
Theory No. 2: One of the many screwed-up fathers on the show screwed over the wrong person (Say screw one more time. Screw!). Seriously, take your pick. There’s Chuck’s late father Bart Bass (Robert John Burke), ruthless businessman devoid of human emotions; Howard Archibald (Sam Roberts) , Nate’s dad who is currently in prison for embezzlement and fraud; and lastly Serena’s dad William van der Woodsen (Billy Baldwin), a true gem who made his ex-wife believe she had cancer. Who knows who else he has lied to in order to get what he wants.
It seems likely one of these three could have easily wronged Ben and Juliet’s family, perhaps stealing their money and destroying their family. Colin could fit in as a businessman seeking revenge on a former partner or co-worker. Why else would he be funding Juliet’s operation?
Why it doesn’t work: While this theory seems the most plausible to us, it’s kind of boring. And when is this show ever plausible? Juliet’s brother is constantly sending her text messages… from jail.
Theory No. 3: Ben and/or Juliet are actually the children of Serena’s father and looking to hurt him after he abandoned their mother (seems to be his M.O.). What better way to do that than by messing with his daughter whom he recently reconciled with? We would say Bart could have a kid or two floating around, but Chuck doesn’t seem to have a bull’s eye on his back…yet.
Why it doesn’t work: Why would Nate be involved if this were the case? Sure, he could be used as a tool to hurt Serena, but so could Dan and he’s not being used. Someone get that boy a storyline, STAT!
Theory No. 4: Juliet is a Gossip Girl superfan who is dying to be a part of their world. Think Season One Jenny on (more) crack. This scenario seemed more likely in the first couple of episodes when she had a bulletin board filled with pictures and information on each of GG’s favorite subjects. We’ve studied the screencaps of her stalkboard (Yes, we’re that pathetic), but really didn’t get much from it that we didn’t already know.
Why it doesn’t work: As we learn more about her, this theory seems less likely. Why would her jailbird brother be involved? Also, her feelings for Nate seem to transcend “Fatal Attraction” status. Her brother had his father beat up in jail and she felt sort of bad about it. True love!
Theory No. 5: Ben was a classmate of Nate’s at St. Jude’s School for Boys. He had a massive crush on Nate and is now bitter that he and Dan have grown so close. He’s using Juliet to create a small wedge between the guys until he gets out of jail.
Why it doesn’t work: It doesn’t work at all. We’re just convinced Dan and Nate are in love. Seriously, “Date” needs to date.
What do you guys think Juliet is up to? Are you liking her storyline? How is Ben sending her text messages from jail? I need answers! Sound off in the comments section below.