After New York brings up the obvious comparison between Blair’s wedding to a prince and Kim Kardashian’s wedding to a cross-eyed giant, Blair decides to make a hash of her life as usual. She worms her way into Dan’s literary life, makes a fool of herself several different ways, and eventually her desperation/hubris swells up so bad, Nate’s lip-like, that she actually manages to out-attention-seek the rest of Brooklyn’s literary elite. Too high, too close to the sun! In the end, Dan tells her what it was like watching Gossip Girl in the good old days, when Blair Waldorf used to be awesome, and she agrees that she’s been, by comparison, pretty sickening this season. Not sure what Dan can do about it, exactly, but by now we all know Blair — like all women, really — deserves and requires the help of a man in discovering things about herself such as a basic personality.
Ongoing confusion surrounding Chuck Bass’s parentage has got Nate and Chuck in a tizzy, especially since Nate’s still over Lola and thus hasn’t got anything going on. Only whoring himself to Diana Payne, to find out who her financial backers are, to find out that “they” are Jack Bass, that Diana probably isn’t Chuck’s mother, but that Jack Bass probably is, that the nurse we keep running into has apparently the mental stability of an Ivy Dickens and thus keeps lying about everything, and that Diana Payne didn’t exist until three years ago, when crazy old ****ing Elizabeth Fischer and Jack Bass last schemed their parental schemes. I would have been fine with leaving it at Diana and Jack, but no. Apparently we gotta toggle the Elizabeth switch one more stupid time.
Everything else is Lily. Relatively unrepentant about the Rufus stuff from last week, she’s paid off CeCe’s nurse to lie about Ivy by breakfast, overturning the will and making Ivy act even crazier. Serena “just happens” to walk by, like happens on this show, while William is having lunch with his other daughter, and a quick visit to plump- and loose-lipped Nate reveals the big truth: That Serena has a mysterious half-sister!