Deanchekvala_harpersisland_290 Previously on “Harper’s Island,” Malcolm went to the great brewery in the sky.

I have a pretty obscure theme this week, so whoever guesses correctly first in the comments gets to pick out next week’s theme (details to be worked out via email).

The Longest Yard (summary)
Everybody is ready to get the hell off the island, but Shea can’t find Madison. Henry asks them to stay and Sully of course is a giant jerk about it, but Cal barely hesitates to stay and help (because he wants to be my boyfriend). While they search for her, Henry, Catherine and Abby find Richard’s body and Abby gets a call from Madison, saying if anybody leaves the island she’ll die.

Zero G (key players tonight)
JD busts out of the station, leaving Shane there to rot in jail. The Sheriff goes to Cole Harkin (Burnt-Faced Deputy) and learns that Wakefield left a journal that details his killings and his wanting revenge. Finally, right before he dies JD tells Abby that the killings are all about her.

Slam-a-Jama (who died)
One regular deputy, the radio, a burnt-faced deputy, the groom’s brother and a partridge in a pear tree. Seriously, it was a bloodbath.

Elastic Jungle (how they died)
The regular deputy and the radio were shot with a gun. The burnt-faced deputy was shot with archery arrows and JD was sliced open with his guts spilling out.

Eat My Dust (gruesome scale)
No gruesome deaths tonight, JD’s death was too dark to see much. When the Sheriff finds cold, shivering Gigi and then gets a stake to the leg, that was pretty gross. 5 out of 10 for the episode as a whole. Also: poor Gigi, but Cole Harkin cares for her.

Tornado Run (I hope you die next)
Shane Pierce is back in stellar form tonight. The actor is a scenery-chewing blight. Blech. Also: Sully, Beth and Chloe suck for being such jerks about the little girl going missing and trying to run away. I was always on Chloe’s side, but she is really sucky this episode. On the plus side, Danny and Cal are awesome heroes and I hope they don’t die.

Mad Max (favorite lines)
[The Pot-Kettle Black award goes to…]
Trish: There’s no way Madison would come down here, it’s too creepy.

Sully: No, no I’m outta here
Shea: Please don’t leave. This is my daughter we’re talking about.
Sully: Why is her life any more important than any of ours?
Trish: [SMACK] [Ed’s note: awesome]

[the guys get all Rambo’d up]
Cal: You know, more people are accidentally killed by their own weapons than by the criminals they’re trying to protect themselves from.
Sully: Don’t care.
Cal: Terrified, unskilled people should not be handling weapons.
Sully: That’s why you don’t get one.

Totally Tubular (best scare)
Once the power was cut and they were all traipsing around in the dark, it ramped up the creepy factor tenfold. I liked when they found Malcolm’s skull and I also liked the conversation where Chloe was listing off all the dead/missing people. The show is definitely getting good.

Also, Henry and Danny starting the generator with the no-scare, then knew-it-was-coming-but-still-made-me-jump-anyway scare was hilarious. It’s stuff like that that makes this show fun.

Skurfin’ Safari (lead suspects)
There are so many deaths happening supposedly when people are alibied that I have to assume we aren’t shown the timeline exactly as it happens. I still think Jimmy Mance is involved. When he stopped Wakefield last week, his “Hey, you!” was much too ambiguous. Plus, wasn’t there a dead guy on the road like right in front of him? What was that all about?

Also, Wakefield went away for “17 years,” which is exactly how old Abby was when he came back to kill her mom. Innnnteresting. [twirls mustache] Oh, and… Henry was near his brother’s body and he was covered in blood. DUN DUN DUN!

Vertiboggan (weekly death roster)
Cousin Ben: this was no boating accident
Uncle Marty: bridge to tear-in-halfia
Reverend Fain: someone should’ve given him a heads up
Kelly Seaver: you hang in there, buddy
Lucy Daramour: what a little firecracker!
Hunter Jennings: he lost the face-off
Joel Booth: he’s got a leg up
Thomas Wellington: what a splitting headache
Richard Allen: you give love a bad name

Malcolm Ross: that money is burning a hole in his pocket
Deputy: nice red shirt you have on
Radio: on the fritz
Cole Harkin: I suspect Geena Davis
JD Dunn: if you hang up on me, I’ll gut you like a fish

Posted by:Andrea Reiher

TV critic by way of law school, Andrea Reiher enjoys everything from highbrow drama to clever comedy to the best reality TV has to offer. Her TV heroes include CJ Cregg, Spencer Hastings, Diane Lockhart, Juliet O'Hara and Buffy Summers. TV words to live by: "I'm a slayer, ask me how."