heather locklear amanda Heather Locklear could save 'Melrose Place'Tonight on “Melrose Place,” the b*tch is back as Heather Locklear returns as Amanda Woodward! Oh, and Ella has a totally hot lesbian makeout with a Brit named Melissa.

Amanda & Ella
The launch party for Riley as the face for Anton V’s jeans is tonight… and Amanda is just in time. She hands Ella a script for Riley to say at the launch party that tells the tale of a rags-to-riches-gang-violence-bootstraps story. Meanwhile, Caleb thinks something suspicious is happening regarding Amanda and tries to warn Ella.

A talent agent named Melissa chats up Ella at the launch party about a new job at her agency. And it turns into a girl-on-girl makeout in a back room. My word. Didn’t THIS little spoiler get lost in all the Heather Locklear hullabaloo?! Is it hot in here? Ella turns down her advances, in every sense of the word, which is good because she turns out to be a plant by Amanda. The next day, Amanda says she’ll keep Ella around… IF she turns Riley into the school for using her sick days to go on the photoshoot. Ella refuses and walks out. I’m proud of you tonight, Ella.

Meanwhile, Amanda goes to Sydney’s apartment, opens a safe in the wall and finds a note that says, “Amanda — You’ll never find it. — Sydney.”

Jonah & Riley
Riley’s magazine shoot comes out. Um, where did the “laying in the sand” picture come from? I don’t remember that from the Jo episode. We find out that “Living in Reverse” is stuck in development, so that gets that out of the way for now. Riley balks at the false story but Ella’s getting fired and the no-$10,000 part change her mind.

Riley plays the good little rags-to-riches but she ends up spilling the beans when she just can’t take the lying anymore. Good for you, Riles. Except she gets fired from school anyway because Amanda called the school.

Lauren & the Ho-ing
Lauren stretches for a run and catches David’s eye. He invites her to a concert but she says no. Cause she has other people to do. Except she asks about David to Riley later and Riley busts her on liking him.  When she returns from the party, David has brought autumn to her apartment. It’s pretty cute, though I don’t enjoy the chest hair poking out from his “Flashdance” sweatshirt. Anyway, they get down to business but Lauren stops them.

Auggie & David
Auggie is arrested for Sydney’s murder. David goes to talk to him and they realize that after Auggie left, someone framed David for Sydney’s murder. David suspects Dr. Michael Mancini. When he searches Michael’s car, he finds Sydney’s bloody necklace in a baggie in the glove compartment.

After David bails him out, Auggie heads back to the complex to say hey to everybody. The reception is icy, even from Riley. He confronts her about tipping off the police to where he was and Jonah yells at him to back off. The solution to the no-friends thing? Alcohol and wild monkey sex with Crazy Eyes.

Thoughts & Tidbits

  • Stephanie Jacobson in workout clothes makes me want to throw myself into traffic. I don’t know why that’s so much worse than a hot dress or a swimsuit, but it just is.
  • Why was Jonah wearing that outfit? He looked like Jerry Lewis as the Nutty Professor.
  • “Three-hour hair?” Are you freaking kidding me? If that takes her three hours, I wonder if she lost some fingers in an industrial accident.
  • So what is the note about?!?! I’m very intrigued and think this could let Heather Locklear save “Melrose Place” once again.
  • Amanda: This L.A. branch is drowning in red like a steer in a slaughter house.
    Now when I hired you to give this place a makeover, I didn’t mean smear
    it with lipstick and turn it into a five-dollar hooker. This office? Is pathetic.
  • Amanda: Why are we spending so many man hours on a denim line? And I think we both know what I mean by ‘man hours.’ You could’ve been a leader, Caleb. But your focus shifted. From your client’s assets to your client’s ass. You’re fired. And take your bat and balls with you.
  • Amanda: Good work, Ella. Maybe you’re not as useless as I thought.

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Posted by:Andrea Reiher

TV critic by way of law school, Andrea Reiher enjoys everything from highbrow drama to clever comedy to the best reality TV has to offer. Her TV heroes include CJ Cregg, Spencer Hastings, Diane Lockhart, Juliet O'Hara and Buffy Summers. TV words to live by: "I'm a slayer, ask me how."