No fooling this week, America. We’re sending somebody home on Wednesday (May 2) night’s American Idol. Two somebodies, in fact.
9:01 p.m. Host Ryan Seacrest launches the show promising, "double the nerves and double the tension."
He also swears, "Once again we’ll be stretching the show to a full hour and I promise… No filler."
9:02 p.m. It takes 45 seconds for Ryan to break his promise, going into inane banter with the judges. Yo, yo, yo. You know what Randy loved about last night’s show? He loved that everybody brought it last night, that everybody worked it out. Paula is all a-giggle as Simon puts his hand behind her neck and plays her like the scariest, most realistic dummy since Magic. Paula announces that she isn’t Simon’s puppet and Ryan interjects, "We’ve seen his puppet. You’re much prettier." Simon pretends he thought Ryan was referring to his girlfriend. In reality, we have no idea what he was referring to. I thought it was a euphemism of some sort for his genitals. Whew.
9:07 p.m. We’re back at the Farmer’s Market as Ryan does his person-on-the-trolley-tracks schtick. It’s a disappointing crop this week. He finds "Blaker Girls" and one teeny-bopper who thinks that it’s super-cool that Chris looks like Justin Timberlake. Mothers like Phil. Old men with dark socks and red sandals like Melinda. I already suspected as much.
9:08 p.m. Blake discusses the source of his arranging genius, referencing a program called Ableton Live (several of his early performances were arranged by a program called "311"). Chris Richardson, who probably can’t arrange his sock drawer, looks ready to slap Blake’s brilliant face. Jordin admits that she was bracing for the harsh comments. And Phil makes a too-little-too-late plea to religious viewers by referencing his pastor father. Then LaKisha says that Simon is a good kisser and she’d do it again. Ryan makes a joke about how serious Simon’s real-life relationship is, which causes Simon to have a conniption fit. Simon’s teeth are freshly whitened.
9:11 p.m. Poor Ruben Studdard. Last week we got Kelly Clarkson in a muumuu and Carrie Underwood lip-synching to confused dying children. The Velvet Teddybear wasn’t ready for the big show, but he’s good enough to give a prepared statement about how it’s not too late to give generously. He’s right.
9:13 p.m. Hmmm… A trailer for Shrek the Third. Hey, didn’t the Idol performers get to see Shrek the Third? I think they did! Did what? Saw Shrek the Third. Did they like it? Loved it, baby.
9:15 p.m. Why do we need a recap of last week’s America Gives Back? And who thought Ben Stiller was one of the show’s highlights? Oh look. Carrie and the disinterested children (they were promised pizza). ZOMBIE ELVIS! Long live the Undead King.
9:19 p.m. What’s up with Robin Thicke’s pencil-thin moustache? And how sad must it be to be Robin Thicke and know that no matter how many white chocolate soul hits you deliver, you’ll always be your dad’s second most famous child after Kirk Cameron? Or to know that you’ll never, as long as you work, compose a song as catchy as the themes to Diff’rent Strokes and The Facts of Life? I guess being married to Paula Patton is solid consolation.
9:22 p.m. Fantasia also didn’t make the Big Show.
9:25 p.m. The week’s Ford commercial is set to "Paint it Black." It features Melinda as a contortionist, Jordin as a mermaid, Chris as a tattooed juggler and Blake as a some crazy, grease-paint adorned master of ceremonies. The unspoken tag line: Ford: The Official Automobile of Carnies.
9:28 p.m. Time for some results. Ryan tells Melinda, Phil and LaKisha to join him in the middle of the stage. We’re working from a two-week total of 135 million combined votes. Melinda is safe and stumbles back to the riser. Down to Phil and LaKisha. And LaKisha is safe. Phil is going home.
9:33 p.m. Phil goes down with "Blaze of Glory," hugging Paula and giving Randy and Simon the ol’ bouncer hug-shake. There are tears from all three remaining Idol women, but Phil had the longest run he possibly could have.
9:38 p.m. It’s American Idol Challenge time. It forces voters to recall the Ford commercial that viewers watched 13 minutes ago. It also comes with a visual aid.
9:39 p.m. After messing with Jordin’s head last week, Ryan quickly tells her she’s safe, leaving Blake and Chris standing. It would say a lot about how awful Blake’s version of "Imagine" was if he goes home this week.
9:44 p.m. Since nobody did it last night, I’m irked that Bon Jovi doesn’t perform "I’ll Be There For You." Instead, they do something called "(You Want To) Make a Memory." Geez. This is like going to a B.T.O. concert and having to listen to their new stuff instead of just "Takin’ Care of Business." Ryan gives Jon Bon Jovi a chance to plug the band’s upcoming tour. Aren’t we also due for a special edition DVD of John Carpenter’s Vampires any day now?
9:49 p.m. There’s Taylor Hicks. I guess we know which Idol winners’ albums lived up to expectations and which didn’t.
9:53 p.m. Blake and Chris as BFFs. Chris swears that he’d go home for Blake. The audience keeps saying "Awwww…" And they keep hugging and high-fiving. Chris doesn’t have to sacrifice himself for Blake. He’s just going home.
9:57 p.m. Forget last week’s no-results results show. This is the most shocking Idol elimination ever, in that America got it exactly right. I have no hatred for either Chris or Phil, but this was just their time to go. Next week is apparently Boogie Night. Does that mean we can hear the greatest hits of Dirk Diggler? Blake is my new hero if he sings "The Touch."
9:59 p.m. What did the mic catch Chris saying to the remaining singers?
So did you agree with this week’s eliminations? And what songs do you want to hear next week on Boogie Night?
Check out Zap2it’s Complete American Idol Coverage?