Trauma Tank.

Apparently, like Alert Commenter EagleMom said, Heidi and Spencer sat out the Trauma Tank challenge. I'm almost sure I saw shots of them in there, though. Spencer is the only person with a flesh-colored beard, after all, I'm sure I saw him in there. Huh. But anyway, good on you EagleMom.

Just like last night, the celebrities remaining are Torrie, Stephen, Sanjaya, Patti and Lou Diamond. I also notice that Stephen Baldwin too sports a flesh-colored beard, which must be where my confusion came in. Suddenly, the tank starts to flood with water. Yes! Waterboarding! But it makes the snakes and bugs crawl up on the people, which is so gross. I would be okay with everything but the snakes.

Lou Diamond gives up, then Torrie, so the women are out. Stephen Baldwin gives up once the men have won and Sanjaya is the challenge winner. As many 13 year-old girls cry at home because they're so proud. (I figure the 11 year-olds who loved him in season six of Idol are now roughly 13 years old.)

Back at camp, there's a nice little tent with a bed and a pillow in it, which is for the camp leader and not the challenge winner, which is pretty crappy. We then get a montage of Angela having several mini breakdowns, including one where she goes all "Bowfinger" on us, "Get it together, get it together."

[THUD] zzzzzzzzzzz

Oh, I'm sorry. I fell down and hit my head and hallucinated that Heidi Montag was comparing herself to Mother Theresa and Stephen Baldwin was talking about baptizing Spencer Pratt and then something about Spencer's prayers being answered because he got to hang out with Miley Cyrus. I am at a loss.

When it comes time for the food challenge, Spencer has a problem with his wife going off alone in the jungle with Sanjaya. SANJAYA, people. So either he has very little regard for his wife's fidelity or he is threatened by SANJAYA. In the end, Spencer and Heidi go to the food challenge because the rest of the celebs know that it's better to just give in to Spencer and stave off the tantrum.

At the challenge, Heidi trash-talks that Spencer is "going down, going down." If Spencer had said it, we'd just call that "Wednesday." In the challenge, there are twenty wooden stars hidden in a dark room full of critters (bats, snakes, rats, etc). The winner is the one with the most stars after 3 minutes.

Spencer says a little prayer before the challenge. I do too, but mine is, "Please let Spencer get eaten by a cadre of angry rats." Of course, they'll probably just recognize him as one of their own and elect him King or something. Spencer lasts about 30 seconds before exclaiming, "I'm a celebrity, get me out of here" but they don't let him out. I'm confused. Eventually Spencer gets 2 stars. It'll be the only time in his life where he garners 2 stars.

Heidi's turn. She does a lot less screaming like a little girl than Spencer did, though. In the end, she has only one star. Really, Heidi? She didn't seem nearly as freaked as Spencer did. Hmm. I'm disappointed in you, Montag. In a talking-head on the way back to camp, Spencer starts referring to himself as "Spencer Pratt." Nothing is douchier than talking about yourself in the third person. Nothing.

The Pratts act like they have withstood the biggest torture to bring back fish for the tribe. Spencer thinks he can do anything now, exclaiming that someone could put a gun in his face. I guaran-damn-tee you if someone put a real gun in Spencer Pratt's face that a stain would slowly spread on his trousers.

He then acts like he's leaving the show, saying he doesn't need it because he's "at war every day in Hollywood." You know, the mean streets of Hollywood. Compton, East St. Louis and Hollywood, y'all. He busts out his thought-up-two-months-ago-and-not-as-clever-as-you-think-catchphrase of "I'm too rich, too famous" to be there.

But before he can leave, he wants Stephen to baptize him.  Now, it's pretty well-known that Stephen Baldwin is a born-again Christian and that's fine, but as Janice Dickinson points out, Stephen is not an ordained minister and it's kind of making a mockery of the ritual.

Now, according to my familiarity with Christianity, only ordained members of the clergy can baptize (priests, ministers, reverends, bishops, etc) except under "extraordinary circumstances." I highly doubt that Stephen Baldwin baptizing Spencer Pratt before he leaves a D-list celebrity reality TV show counts as such. I mean, I wouldn't be uber-surprised if Spencer entered a church and burst into flames, ya know? Though, to be fair, it's not like the 11th commandment is "Thou shalt not be a douchebag."

Also, I'm starting to think I would get along really well with Janice Dickinson. I am troubled by that thought. In a talking-head, Janice says, "I didn't realize I was signing up for 'Holy Rollers, Get Me Out of Here'" and I laugh very hard.

After the baptism, Spencer comments that he is "next level powerful." So, he leveled up via the baptism? He is now a Level 3 Disciple. Ya know, I'm really annoyed that like 90% of my commentary centers around Spencer Pratt.

Back at camp, the Pratts decide to quit. Again. But for real this time. They swear. Pinky swear. It's totally legit. They hug everybody and say good-bye. Spencer makes sure to thank Lou Diamond for "Young Guns." Heh. Frangela call them the "duo of dumb."

You know, I'm really not terribly surprised that the Pratts used this as another way to get a small burst of fame and then ran for it. I mean, that's why they picked the two biggest charities in the world, right? [hair flip]

The hosts now join camp live to tell the guys they can save one girl from the public vote before the phone lines open, but they only have 20 seconds to decide. They choose Patti. Huh. Did not see that coming. She seems like a nice lady, though. I mean, I'm sure she's on the show to drum up sympathy for her husband's impending corruption trial, but I think he's more the scuzz bucket and Patti seems like a decent lady.

The hosts run off and give us the voting numbers for who we want to keep. Man, I'm getting such a kick out of Frangela and Janice that I really have to say that Torrie can hit the road. That's all we have for tonight, see you back here tomorrow!

Posted by:Andrea Reiher

TV critic by way of law school, Andrea Reiher enjoys everything from highbrow drama to clever comedy to the best reality TV has to offer. Her TV heroes include CJ Cregg, Spencer Hastings, Diane Lockhart, Juliet O'Hara and Buffy Summers. TV words to live by: "I'm a slayer, ask me how."