Loudiamondphillips_imacelebritygetmeoutofhere_290 Who won on the big finale of “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here?”

Our three-and-a-half weeks of celebrity jungle shenanigans are coming to a close. I really think Lou Diamond should win, but I won’t be sad if it’s Torrie Wilson because she’s been pretty bad ass on this show. John Salley’s okay, but he’s my third choice for a winner.

Another pointless recap makes me wonder if the Final Three will have to do an “Idol walk” and burn something in effigy for everybody. They could burn Heidi’s shampoo, Frangela’s water bottle, Spencer’s Bible. Oh wait, that probably wouldn’t be very nice. Hmmm. We relive last night’s evictions and then finally get new footage of the Final Three celebrating their spots in the finals.

On the commercials I flip over to ESPN News for the coverage of the vigil for Ed Thomas, long-time head football coach of Aplington-Parkersburg High School who was shot to death in the school’s weight room today. I’m from that area and was in the tornado that Ed helped the community rebuild from last May. It’s been a sad day and I just want to say that all the people of Iowa lost a really good man today in a senseless crime. That’s all.

Back to the shenanigans. The cast members are back in the studio for the finale and we have to relive their “highlights” in a video montage. My lord, don’t they have ANY new content for us tonight? Sigh. I have to say, when Janice has on makeup and has her hair styled, she looks 10 years younger because it makes the plastic surgery look less… stark.

Jungle Spa Food Trial. The Final Three compete for their favorite foods. There are two stations for each contestant and each station has stars to collect. Torrie gets the Scare Wash and she has 30 seconds to find two stars. There are many, many gross bugs dropped on her head but she finds both stars.

John is next with a Frightening Facial. He has to dip his head into “vomit fruit” and retrieve the stars with his mouth. He manages to get both stars. Ugh. Lou’s first station is “Menacing Manicure,” where he has to grope through a pile of toads and some spiders and webs to retrieve his stars. Seriously, that’s it? That’s easy.

Torrie’s second one is the Hot Tub of Trouble. It’s a bubbling hot tub with small crocodiles inside. She gets inside and goes, “Excuse me, guys!” to the crocs, which is hilarious. She emerges vicTORRIEous and kisses one of the crocs. She’s like the poster girl for Gator Bait.

John gets the Sauna of… Doom? They don’t tell us the name of it. There are many snakes inside and he has to move the stars along pipes into a red zone. He does have to move the snakes that are wrapped around the pipes, but other than that it’s pretty easy. Lou’s last challenge is a Jungle Spray Tan wherein he is sprayed with gross jungle slime and coated with mealworms. Wow, gross.

Since they each got all their stars, they each get their meal. That’s cool. It looked too easy for them, but why they’re Final Three. Most of the other contestants wouldn’t have been able to do that. The hosts interview the Final Three back at camp and remind us that Torrie is the only person who survived every public vote because she never had immunity (both Lou and John did at one time or another).

The eliminated contestants join our finalists in the camp, where it is absolutely pouring down rain. I know how they feel, it looks like armageddon outside my window right now. Sanjaya gets to pick his favorite trial, since he managed to win 9 of the 12 trials he competed in. Wow. He picks the Terror Tank. I’d pick the one where I made Janice Dickinson look silly too, Sanjaya. We also learn the men won 10 trials the ladies’ three. Haha, yikes.

Gourmet Meal time. The three finalists enjoy a last final meal together. Man, you’d think they were all going to the electric chair or something. Torrie gets pizza, Lou gets fried chicken and mashed potatoes and John gets a tofu burger. Who knew he was a vegetarian (I mean before this show)?

They talk about how much they want to win and Torrie very astutely says that she can show not only young girls but women that it’s okay to be tough and brave and still be feminine (and pretty). That’s a great message and one that is not conveyed enough.

Finally Finals. We learn that the third place winner is… John Salley. Yeah, I figured. Everybody hugs John blahblah there’s yet another montage of Lou Diamond and Torrie competing and being awesome and stuff. Then we FINALLY find out that the winner of “I’m a Celebrity” 2009 is…

LOU DIAMOND PHILLIPS! Oh, that is so great. He’s fantastic. I can’t decide if I want him to be my boyfriend or my dad, which is a very weird position to be in. He’s 20 years older than me, so it could really go either way. Anyway, congratulations to Lou Diamond. Lou for President!

Thanks for reading all these recaps, guys. I’ve had a blast recapping this show and perhaps I will be back next summer! Andrea out.

Posted by:Andrea Reiher

TV critic by way of law school, Andrea Reiher enjoys everything from highbrow drama to clever comedy to the best reality TV has to offer. Her TV heroes include CJ Cregg, Spencer Hastings, Diane Lockhart, Juliet O'Hara and Buffy Summers. TV words to live by: "I'm a slayer, ask me how."