Stephenbaldwin_imacelebritygetmeoutofhere_290 Stephen Baldwin just up and decided he was tired of the jungle on “I’m a Celebrity.” Wuss. You’re as bad as Heidi and Spencer.

Just a tip for anyone with grandparents: don’t trust them to set the VCR for a show you are required to recap. It never ends well. But here is the recap, just in time for me to eat dinner and then recap tonight’s episode. Also: NBC sucks. This show wasn’t online until after 5 pm EDT. Weak, NBC. Weak.

We join the celebs mourning the loss of Holly and dancing a jig on Janice’s grave. Sanjaya is bummed about his lady love and his taskmistress going home but, as John Salley says, “Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty I’m free at last.” Snerk.

Stephen Quits Montage. He’s just tired of it, basically. Which is kind of weak, I mean there’s only like 5 days left. Suck it up, dude. Especially because Holly seemed rarin’ to go to the end and now she’s gone instead of you. That sucks.

Everybody is half-offended that Stephen wants to leave. They’re almost

done and people have voted for him and there’s his charity and he’s

just outta there like he doesn’t care. Boooo, Stephen Baldwin. Salley

remarks that it says a lot about a person for quitting. I totally

agree. It’s like people who quit “Survivor.” The only person who ever

had an excuse to quit “Survivor” was when Jenna left All-Stars to be

with her dying mother, who happened to die a week after Jenna got home.

Other than that? Weak sauce.

Bug Bite Montage. Lou gets some bug bites on his right eyelid and it puffs his eye up like a boxer. Frankly, I think it just adds to his hotness. Oh yeah, I said it. Lou Diamond is a hottie. I think he’s better looking now than he was 20 years ago when he did La Bamba. Patti has a bug bite on her butt. John remarks that the bug found the cutest bootie to bite. I think Ms. Wilson would beg to differ.

Stormy Weather. The gang has to huddle up together to get out of the storm, so they decide to tell a story. Salley starts off talking about a “debonair cat,” which makes me think of CJ doing “The Jackal.” There is also a “chatterbox” character who is kidnapped by monkeys. She is a thinly-veiled Janice. Heeee.

The next day, John reads a scroll that says an ex-campmate can take Stephen’s place. They are going to come to camp and plead their cases and the current campers get to vote. Sweet. The campers argue that it’s unfair for someone to get to rest and eat a decent meal and get to come back. I happen to agree. Screw that.

Janice is first. She begs on her knees to be let back in. She mentions that she was up against Julia Roberts for “Pretty Woman” as a way to say that she can’t act, so that her plea is not an act, it’s genuine. Oh my god. She says she’s never had to be a team player and she’s asking for forgiveness. Hmmm.

Holly is up next. She is all smiles and hugs, I hope they invite her back. Holly says she missed them and is trying not to cry. She is cute and adorable and I think it should totally be her. Janice can’t even make an impassioned plea without sounding like a douche.

Janice cries by the river. Oh, spare me.

A scroll arrives to announce who is staying. The results were unanimous for Holly returning to camp. Awww. It’s a shame they had to announce the results were unanimous, that’s kind of harsh. Oh well. As long as there’s no more Janice, I’m okay.

Holly goes right back to chilling with Sanjaya in the hammocks. Lou and Torrie think they are the cutest cuties who ever cuted and that Sanjaya was so lost without her. Awww. They go down by the river and Holly dares him to jump in the river. They then flirt and Holly strips down and they go into the river. We don’t get to see if anything else happens, though I suspect they really are just friends. Or Holly is just friends with Sanjaya and Sanjaya wants to jump Holly’s bones.

Food Trial. John gets a scroll announcing that the trial is called “Head of Horror.” There are some blank looks, so he says, “Something goes around your head, then they drop things in it.” The responses of “ohhh” and “uh” are just priceless.

The prize is a double cheeseburger with fries and onion rings. The challenge is dislodging stars with their mouths inside a plexiglass case that is full of critters. There are 3 face-offs. The first is Patti vs Holly and they get cockroaches. Patti forfeits before her head even goes in, but Holly is a trooper and actually makes quick work of it.

The next face-off is John vs Sanjaya. Sanjaya cheeks, “I hope it’s not tarantulas!” Hahaha! And their boxes are, in fact, full of spiders. Heh. John says, “You gotta be out of your rabid-ass mind.” He does stick his head in, though, so good for him, but Sanjaya wins in like 5 seconds.

Last face-off is Torrie vs Lou Diamond. They get reptiles and snakes and it’s super-close but Lou pulls it out by a couple seconds. Man, Torrie just cannot catch a break. The finals features the three winners and tarantulas in the box. Also, this time the slots for the stars are vertical instead of horizontal. Sanjaya quits too. Lou Diamond keeps going with tarantulas ON HIS FACE and wins. OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD. So gross.

Weight Loss Montage. It was so funny when they did this on “Survivor: Australia” and somebody remarked, “We lost a 3rd grader.”  John has lost 21 lbs. WOW. Patti has lost 10 lbs. Sanjaya is down 8 lbs, which he couldn’t really afford to lose. Torrie has actually gained weight. HAHA. Oh, poor Torrie. She gained 7 lbs. Wow. She was working out, though, so girlfriend probably put on muscle. Holly has lost 9 lbs and Lou Diamond has lost 15 lbs. John says, “Well, I guess I’m the biggest loser” and I laugh out loud. He seems delightful.

Personal Item Montage. John brought a digital camera. That’s hilarious. I mean, it’s all on video but it’d still be cool to have your own pictures to take home. Also, they really are stretching for filler at this point.

Father’s Day Celebration. Lou gives Holly a hug and says that it’s the hug he’d give his kids if he was there. Awww. Everybody hugs Lou and John and wishes them Happy Father’s Day. Then a scroll arrives and tells them that Lou and John get to use Skype to talk to their kids. Awww.

Last Chance Saloon Time. The two celebs with the lowest votes have to face off in a yucky-milkshake competition. The lucky celebs are Holly (because she’s already been voted out) and John Salley. Huh. Did not see that coming. The two celebs head off, the others don’t get to come with them.

The competitors are served five rounds of drinks. The first person to win three rounds goes back to camp. I wonder how much they’ll police the “spill it down your shirt” technique, because that’s pretty much cheating. THe first drink is grasshopper cocktail. Holly wins by a smidge. Salley talking-heads that he’s at a disadvantage because of his height. Oh please. That’s not *that* much of a factor. You just got out-chugged by a girl.

Holly remarks, “My college days are finally gonna pay off.” Heee.

The next one is tarantulas. John just wins that one but just barely. This is SO close. The third one is dung beetle daiquiri. Wow, that one looks thick. Ew. Salley takes that one by a hair. He also looks a little green. The fourth one is scorpion sunrise with a surprise inside (dead scorpion). Oh gross. Holly manages to pull that one off. Man, this is so tense! I can’t believe this is so tense for me! Salley lets loose a mighty belch, it’s pretty hilarious. The final drink is hot pepper chile coladas. And that one goes to Salley. The hosts act like it was close enough to review the tape, but it wasn’t. Salley won that one by a mile, it was the only one that wasn’t bang-bang. It also looks like Holly didn’t even finish hers all the way. Hmm.

Back at camp, John extoles Holly’s prowess at the competition, which is nice of him. Everybody is happy to see him, even Sanjaya. I agree with them that it would’ve been kind of crappy if he lost to someone he voted back into camp, but I suppose it would also be his own fault for not drinking faster.

There is now five minutes of recap filler, showing us stuff that we’ve all seen so far. It’s pointless.

Tonight’s live portion reveals to the celebs that two more celebs will leave the jungle the following night. There will be a three spots for Wednesday’s finale. Each celeb gets to make his or her case. Frankly, I’m hoping the final three is Lou Diamond, Sanjaya and Torrie, but as long as Patti goes home, I’m okay with any combination of the remaining four.

Again, sorry about the lateness of this recap. I’ll be back in about 45 minutes to do tonight’s episode.

Posted by:Andrea Reiher

TV critic by way of law school, Andrea Reiher enjoys everything from highbrow drama to clever comedy to the best reality TV has to offer. Her TV heroes include CJ Cregg, Spencer Hastings, Diane Lockhart, Juliet O'Hara and Buffy Summers. TV words to live by: "I'm a slayer, ask me how."