Love, and boiled goat. We get a lesson in Shakespeare from our witness of the week, but Mary and Raph's romantic drama steals the show.
Witness of the week: Let's begin with the tale of romantic woe. (And no, surprisingly I'm not referring to Mary and Raph.) Our star witnesses are 18-year-old Olivia and her father Jesus, whose work for Felix Calderon's criminal organization in Miami got his wife killed, and got him and Olivia into the WITSEC program. Olivia, understandably, is not a happy camper.
Marshall, ever the pro at dispensing wise advice, convinces the controlling Jesus to treat Olivia like an adult, which goes swimmingly until she vanishes before his testimony. Well-played, Marshall. Turns out Olivia was having an online fling with with Cesar Calderon, heir apparent to Felix, which makes their "Romeo" and "Juliet" screen names very appropriate. Seems they've been in love for quite some time – enough so that Olivia is willing to leave WITSEC, and her father, in order to be with him.
Poor Jesus shows up to testify at Felix's trial only to see Olivia sitting with the Calderons, and he experiences sudden amnesia in order to protect her from any retaliation for his testimony. Happily, though, Olivia sees that she's being used and gets back on her dad's (and WITSEC's) team, allowing testimony to continue as planned and giving their tale a much happier ending than Romeo and Juliet.
"Hey Raph, it's an angry-looking Hispanic man!": Raph's mom pays Mary a surprise visit from the Dominican Republic, immediately insisting that Mary call her "Mama," which goes over about as well as you'd think. And I gotta say, this plotline was truly entertaining and spawned my favorite quote of the episode: "Holy Mother, there's a DOG in that pot! And God help me, it smells delicious…" -Mary, seeing the goat Raph's mom is cooking. You know, for their engagement dinner. [Sound of record needle scratching.] Yeeeah, Raph was too afraid to tell his mom that Mary said "no" way back when he proposed.
Jinx convinces Mary to go along with the fake engagement, which seems like terrible advice from a person who shouldn't be in the business of doling out advice at all. At the engagement dinner, Raph's mom waxes eloquent about the importance and joy of marriage, and Mary does the right thing and spills the beans. It's sad, but necessary – as she says, she didn't want to make a mockery of something so important. And Raph freaks the heck out on her. Oh, Raph. Unless your mom is terminally ill, that charade had to end ASAP.
He accuses Mary of being afraid of commitment (that old chestnut), but she says that on the contrary, she more than anyone on the planet ("with the possible exception of Marshall," which is totally telling, right?) believes in honoring her commitments no matter what. But then Raph breaks the news that he retired from baseball so he could move on to the next part of his life, and that he's known for a long time that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. And OH MY GOD she accepts his proposal. But, but…what about Marshall? Nooooo! (Yeah, can you tell I'm totally on board the Mary/Marshall train?)
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