First off, Saturday night’s MTV 2006 Movie Awards “Green Room” wasn’t green. It was amber – like show sponsor Neutrogena’s amber glycerin soap. Duh. Even the suede sofas were shaped and colored like Neutrogena bars.

Second, it wasn’t a traditional intimate backstage “Green Room” where the talent chills before and/or after going onstage. It was a huge sound stage party on the Sony Culver City lot with two bars and buffets tables and filled with – shudder – Unattractive People Who Are Not Famous At All.

No sign of Colin Farrell, Jake Gyllenhaal or Jim Carrey, probably in the actual show’s nearby sound stage. No Christina Aguilera or Jessica Alba. I did see Owen Wilson walk by without even looking in. And Andy Dick wandered in for a while before the show. So did Golden Globe winner Steve Carrell ("The Office"), who (sorry, Steve) really is famous but just doesn’t look it and probably never will. Even though he ended up winning MTV’s Best Comedic Performance for "40-year-old Virgin" later on.Joesimpson_mazur_8879707_600_2

But it was Jessica and Ashlee‘s sister act svengali/dad Joe Simpson who was the first person to hit the party. In fact, he was so early the party wasn’t even open so the guards made him wait outside, even though he pleaded with them that he just wanted to go in and get a drink. At 5:30, he was let into the empty party and ran to the bar for a whiskey n’ coke so he could sip and see the arrivals televised on plasma screens.

Cornered by a "I’m so desperate for quotes I will even interview this guy" reporter about Jess’s upcoming album – “And the Band Played On” – Joe went out on a limb and predicted that it "will NOT be what most people expect.”

So… I’m thinking he means it’s NOT the expected retort to her bitter ex Nick Lachey‘s “What’s Left of Me” (“and My Bank Account?”), album, a musical whine about their nasty break-up and impending divorce.

Well, thank God someone in that family has some class.

When Joe got a jingle on his cell from Jess, who’d finished the blue carpet, he broke all land speed records. Boy, did he toss that drink and run so he could escort his money-maker, er, daughter into the show.

Kate Beckinsale also wandered into the party after doing the blue carpet press line.

But she was visibly POed when a security guard at the door made her sling a big ugly plastic credential around her neck, which so ruined the line of her black silk cropped pantsuit.

Adamsandle_mazur_8885142_600 She quickly ripped off the offending cred when she was 2-steps inside the party. Then she blinked and assessed the scene – which was now wall-to-wall normal people – and wrinkled her perky nose (euuwww) like she’d just caught a whiff of a dirty cat litter box.

Turning on her stacked white heels, she trotted back out, making a quick louie to slip backstage and – whew- get to hang with the Very Important People, like her “Click” co-star Adam Sandler.

Dudette, that was a close call. You almost had to mingle with real people.

Photo Credits: Joe Simpson’s Escort Service makes sure Jessica gets to her seat in the MTV 2006 Movie Awards. WireImage/Kevin Mazur
Photo Credits: Kate Beckinsale way prefers the photo-op company of famous Adam Sandler to non-famous strangers in the MTV Movie Awards Green Room.WireImage/Kevin Mazur

Posted by:LATimes