This week on Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency: manufactured drama, another open casting call, manufactured drama, a magazine casting, manufactured drama, and Janice being awful. Oh, and some manufactured drama. (Manufactured spoilers ahead…)
We begin with the photo shoot for VIP Latino magazine, where the totally inexperienced models are irritated by the client’s helpful direction. More irritated? Janice, who doesn’t want anyone (besides herself, I’m assuming) manhandling her models. But this small disagreement is nothing compared to Janice’s displeasure that the models are doing a mere editorial spread rather than a cover with "The Great Carlos Mencia." Damn Carlos Mencia and his scheduling conflicts!
Happily, Janice is more than eager to volunteer herself as a celebrity for the girls to pose with on the cover. Bafflingly, the client agrees! Man, this show takes "reality" to a whole new plane. What Janice says: "I’ll do anything for my girls to get a cover! Even if it means whoring myself out to a magazine." What she means: "I’ll do anything to get myself on a cover again! Even if it means kidnapping Carlos Mencia and stuffing him in the trunk of my car."
After the shoot, Janice has another open call to replace the models with actual talent who are deserting her "agency" like thin, angular rats deserting a certifiably crazy sinking ship. One of these models, it seems, is Stina, who’s signed with a bigger agency. Of course, Janice is pissed. But probably not surprised, since Stina has threatened to leave before. And is a legitimately good model. Ah, Stina. You’ve been with us since the beginning, and we’ll miss you. But not right now, since there’s that handy open call going on!
We begin with a 5′ 11" 14-year-old, whom even Janice thinks is a bit young. Other standouts are Alexis, who is super-cute in a "cool girl at the record store" way and Daria, a hottie from Russia. Hilariously, Brian Kehoe’s roommate Grant shows up, and totally tries to slip by without Janice finding out that he lives with one of her less responsible models.
At the callbacks, Gabe, from Janice’s posse, comes in to yell at all the women for wearing unflattering outfits. Whatever. Janice takes the usual photos (with the usual naked dudes). Braneka, a model Janice turned away the previous season because she had braces and was too young, is back for more. Alexis, it seems, has a whole lot of unfortunate scars, which she’s forced to reveal to the world when Janice makes her take her clothes off. Her excuse? She’s "from the country." Janice isn’t buying it, either.
Janice flips out at Grant for already having an agency–he claims it’s an agency in the New York market, which would apparently be legit. Aaaand, yeah…he’s definitely with the agency in LA, too. Oh, the drama! Ooooh, the betrayal!!! OOOH, the dramatic music!!!!! OOOOOOH, the Janice calling his agency and busting him on it!!!!!1! Forget TNT–Janice Dickinson Knows Drama. And yeah, Grant’s agency drops him. So Brian Kehoe convinces him to try and get Janice to give him another shot, now that he’s not represented. Janice, saying he’s "like Boy George meets Victoria Beckham," is happy to have him in her agency. What?
Back at callbacks, Janice, to her credit, refuses to work with the 14-year-old until she graduates. Right on, Janice! Also, the girl looked way too pageant to me. Peter is a definite standout–cute, funny, and with awesome Daniel Vosovic hair (of Project Runway fame, for those living in deprivation). Daria from Russia rocks the photos, and Janice is in love with her. Going through the pictures, Janice picks out Peter, Braneka, Daria, and Alexis, among others, and kicks Peter the business partner out for calling one girl a little too heavy (keep this fact in mind for later).
Now that she’s got her slate set, Janice brings back some of her old models for a reunion without telling them that new models will be there to compete for a gig. And yeah, it’s awkward. The returning models are feeling a bit defensive, and some are friendlier than others. The gig? A high-fashion shoot for Fashion L.A. magazine. (And as a side note, the Latina models aren’t psyched to be left out of the mainstream castings. Foreshadowing?) Janice gets pissed at Alexis for wearing a bathing suit that shows all her scars.
During the lineup, Janice singles out Crystal (original version) and Desiree to the clients, but then berates Desiree for looking orange (which, true) and having beard burn on her chin. Awk-ward! Traci gets called out later for her weight gain. Traci: "I love my body!" Janice: "I love your body too, but it’s a bit big." Oh, Janice. Coming up with lines like that so effortlessly is what makes you who you are. Traci refuses to starve herself "again," which is awesome, and yet probably career suicide if you work for Janice.
The client narrows it down to Nyabel, Ligia, Kate, Alexis, Crystal, and Desiree. After a pose-off, Janice pulls Desiree aside because she seems unhappy (I wonder why?), and somewhat bruised. She pushes and pushes until Desiree admits her shocking secret: she’s anemic! Gosh, could that be related to the starvation diet Janice keeps her naturally curvy models on? Nah. Janice cares about these girls! After deliberating, the client picks Crystal and Nyabel. Crystal gloats about the veterans booking jobs over the new girls. But wait! The client picks a bonus third girl! Oh. It’s Ligia, also a veteran.
Later, Janice meets with Traci after calling her names like "salami," "hot dog," and "stuffed sausage" in an interview. (Janice is clearly hungry.) She’s not calling Traci fat, mind you, just…"a tad bit heavy." By model weight standards. After a close examination of Traci’s ass and stomach, Janice diagnoses too much junk food and recommends some "exercise and a balanced diet" so she can be more toned. This is just like Knocked Up, where they’re all, "We’re not asking you to lose weight, of course, just to…tighten." Traci says she doesn’t have to be crazy skinny to work as a model, and that high-fashion isn’t the only work out there. After Traci can’t fit into Janice’s size 4 skirt, though, things aren’t looking good for her. WHAT will happen? WHO will Janice go crazy at next? HOW does this show cook up so much drama? Find out next week on JDMA.
How do you think this season is shaping up so far?
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