Saying “Jersey Shore” is a hot mess doesn’t cut it. You have to make up a new kind of mess for this show. This week, we’re down one “guidette,” another one is newly single, and yet another may soon be.
This week’s episode begins with everyone hung over from the night before. You know, from all that stuff that went down in the (way too long) two-hour season premiere. Jenni (J-WOWW) claims she doesn’t remember that she hooked up with Pauly. I guess she also doesn’t remember running out of the club with his sweaty tank top, either. According to Pauly, she didn’t want to come off like a “trash bag.” Um, well, when you put it that way, I don’t blame her. Mike (The Situation) can’t get over Sammi (Sweetheart) trading him in for Ronnie, the younger, more pumped “guido.” You know you’re at the Jersey Shore when Nicole, who goes by Snooki, comes off the most well behaved.
The gang decides that things in the house aren’t tragic enough, so they decide to go clubbing again. This time Angelina’s friends, Alana and Elena, join them. I’m unsure of the naming customs for “guidettes,” but ending with a “na” seems like a popular one. Mike, Angelina’s boyfriend, also comes down. It seems their relationship has become strained from being apart. The fact that he’s married doesn’t seem to factor in at all, though. Go figure. Then out of nowhere, Angelina and Mike are dropping F-bombs and somewhere in between them, they break up.
Meanwhile, Jenni’s boyfriend, Andrew, is also visiting. After he tells her that he would break up with her if she “messed up,” she decides not to tell him how much of a “trash bag” she was the other night with Pauly. After he leaves, she finally tells him via phone. His reaction? Click. While she says she’s giving her boyfriend 24 hours, It takes about half a day for her to smell the Jersey Shore air and declare that she had been acting like a Catholic nun and needs to party! If Jenni was acting like a nun, then convents must be more like strip clubs. Just sayin’.
The next morning, the newly single Angelina decides not to go to work. Although, she claims she’s sick (fake cough, fake cough), she walks over an hour later to tell them she’s not coming in. Hello, Angelina, there is a strange duck phone at the house! Later, their boss and landlord, Danny, comes around to talk to her. Strangely enough, she won’t talk unless it’s in the bathroom. Hmmm, maybe the cameras aren’t allowed in there. After Danny refuses to go into the bathroom with her, she runs the water, so we can’t hear her. He basically fires and evicts her. When she emerges from the bathroom, she’s carrying her stuff out with her. The whole house could care less she’s leaving. Some of them couldn’t even get up from the table to say goodbye! How do you say “bye, Angelina” in “guido-nese”? Later, trash bag? What can you expect from what, three days?
If you’re Sammi and Ronnie, you get a relationship that’s “real.” Ronnie’s word, not mine. All episode, they’re just disgustingly romantic. Even when jealous Mike unveils “The Situation,” Sammi doesn’t flinch as she leaves him shirtless to play miniature golf with Ronnie. The bond lasts for about an hour at the club later that night, though. Sammi catches Ronnie unveiling his own “situation,” the most spastic dance moves I’ve ever seen, on some pretty blond. Right away, she gives her digits to some strange guy in retaliation. Too bad Jenni sees it go down and rats her out to Ronnie. He then leaves the club in disgust followed by Jenni.
In the next episode:
Did Ronnie and Jenni hook up? The guys find more girls, girls, girls. And Snooki is on the wrong side of a punch – by a guy!
Photo: Pauly, on left, and Angelina check in with their boss, Danny, on “Jersey Shore.” Credit: MTV