The sun rises on a new day for “Jersey Shore” in Miami. A day that somehow seems better than all those before it. Pauly notes the weight off of everyone’s shoulders since Angelina and her stank vibes departed. He and The Situation immediately setting about removing her grubby, menstruation-stained mattress from the room, spraying down the space she tainted, and generally throwing her s*** all over the city. A car alarm is set off in the midst of their shoe-throwing frenzy. But it’s a small price (for someone else) to pay because free at last, free at last, thank God almighty, they are free at least!
That evening, they bring home lobsters for the celebration meal. Snooki and JWOWW decide to go all Edward Furlong on Sitch’s ass and liberate one of the lobsters from its cruel demise. Except the shenanigans that follow probably only prolong the poor crustacean’s agony, since they fill up a bowl that is not quite big enough full of fresh water. Vinny and Pauly quickly note that lobsters live in salt water, and thus their “humane” rescue was actually more fatal than anything the guys had in mind for “Charlie.” That’s his name. Because when I look at a lobster, I think “Charlie.”
The gang sits down for what Vinny calls their “first real family dinner,” including two stuffed animals that Snooki and JWOWW have randomly brought into the mix. They pop open the bubbly, and Sitch pours some out for Angelina. Sammi confessionalizes that she doesn’t want to “be up Ron’s ass all the time” (ew), which means she’s all alone in the house now that Angelina’s gone. The guys take a purifying dip in the Jacuzzi, and Snooki and JWOWW discuss whether they can open their hearts up to Sammi again. Snooki wants to squash their problem, but JWOWW still feels the sting of the note’s aftermath.
Snooki decides to do some groundwork for the reconciliation, but Sammi is super-cagey and requests that they go out of the bedroom so that JWOWW won’t be part of the discussion. They head into the living room, and Snooki apologizes for the note. Sammi says she only wants to be friends with Snooki because she has issues with JWOWW beyond the note. Mind you, JWOWW is walking through the kitchen five feet away while they’re discussing this. She’s not even trying to hide. My point? Sammi is an idiot. So JWOWW plops down on the couch, and the conversation goes silent. Cut to outside, where the guys are happily hooting and hollering. It’s the exact inverse of that awesome juxtaposition from the first episode. Except this time Sammi’s picking up where Angelina left off — and being typically yellow-bellied about it. The silence carries on for many minutes. It’s a guidette stand-off!
The editors splice in a song with the chorus “You are so fake!” And the specter of Angelina lives on! Snooki finally breaks the silence, saying what they had before was “amazing.” Maybe a bit of an overstatement, but Sammi agrees that she enjoyed hanging out with these girls. JWOWW proves to be the bigger person by saying that she is willing to swallow her pride and apologize. Sammi says thank you to JWOWW’s face, then interviews that she thinks JWOWW wasn’t genuine. Yeah, it’s JWOWW that’s the two-faced one here. Get a clue, Sweetheart. How in Hades did she ever get that nickname? Maybe it’s ironic, like calling a linebacker “Tiny.” JWOWW says Angelina was the source of all this friction, and Snooki tries to rally the troops, saying they can use their time left in Miami without Angelina for girl time. Sammi remains stone-faced. Snooki asks her, “No?” JWOWW thinks they need to take baby steps, and Sammi promises to try to move forward. She reluctantly says she needs to get her nails done tomorrow, so Snooki suggests they all get pedis and offers to bring the vodka. Now that’s my kind of pedi pal. JWOWW remains unconvinced that her relationship with Sammi can be salvaged. She deems Sammi too “prissy” and says “I used to beat girls like that up in high school.” Snooki remains hopeful as Ronnie returns inside and takes Sammi to bed, but once they reach their respective bedrooms, both Sammi and JWOWW admit that they’ll never be friends again.
The next day, Vinny proves persistence is a virtue (or maybe that desperation eventually wears a girl down) when he sets up a beach date with Ramona, the go-go dancing club waitress who stood him up some weeks ago. Apparently, she apologized to him since the sad incident, and he’s hopeful that he can right things. He prepares a booze-filled picnic, and then time passes… and passes… and passes. He gets anxious that she’s up to her old tricks. After a few hours, he calls Ramona, and her voicemail box is full. A minute later, the phone rings, and it’s a bevy of other cuties who want to hook up with Vinny. He waits another five minutes for Ramona’s benefit, but she doesn’t show, so he calls back the DTB (Down To Beach) girls and invites them over to the house.
Wouldn’t you know that, just seconds later, Ramona calls and says she can’t find him. He scrambles to decide whether he should go with the sure bets or the real deal. Ultimately, he chooses Ramona, who teaches him the finer points of Romanian geography and social ritual. All in all, they have a good day, and not just because of Ramona’s adorable little Yorkie puppy frolicking in the surf. Ramona even says her cheeks hurt from smiling. They make plans to meet up again, and Vinny happily gets a goodnight kiss.
Later that night, Snooki’s friend Ryder phones about her visit the next day. Snooki chastises her for being drunk when she’s supposed to catch a plane to Miami in a few hours. Given Ryder’s state of inebriation, Snooki and JWOWW have to pass the phone back and forth several times to make sense of Ryder’s slurry ramblings. Eventually, they realize it’s a fool’s errand and resign themselves to the fact that Ryder is most likely going to miss her plane.
The next morning, Snooki calls Ryder and gets no answer. She assumes the worst but is pleasantly surprised when Ryder actually shows up. They paint the town red, shopping for sundresses and head over to the place that sells these bad boys. I want to go to there. Snooki explains that she and Ryder like to “go crazy and be stupid.” Which is different from every other day in your life how? After a few Coronaritas, they take to the dance floor and to the pool table. It’s reminiscent of the good old days when she was dancing on the boardwalk all by her lonesome. As much as I enjoy the earring-removing, hard-scrabble Snooki, we definitely need more of last season’s Snooki.
That night, the kids get ready for da club. Sitch mentions (to no one in particular) that his vest — a two-toned one with a massive cross on the back, FYI — is the key to his ensemble. Pauly walks around trumpeting that the cabs have arrived, and as they’re leaving, JWOWW tells Sitch he looks like a Chippendales dancer. Truth. At the club, everyone takes to his/her requisite position — Snooki and Ryder dancing on the banquettes, Sammi and Ronnie grinding up on each other, and the boys scoping out their options. They quickly determine that tonight is slim pickins.
Regardless, The Situation takes the floor with any old grenade he can find and starts obnoxiously smacking dat azz. Ronnie and Sammi move from their grinding (thanks God) and sit down to watch and judge. Because they are asshats. Asshats who happen to be right in this instance because at least two girls that Sitch is macking on have to beg him to stop thrust his groin at them and/or humping them against a wall. [Best part of the Sam/Ron convo is that she claims if she met him she’d be like, “hell no” and Ronnie reminds her that she did meet him and she made out with him. Ah, short term memory loss. — Angel] The Situation says that it h
ad been prophesized that someday a “Pimp of all Pimps” would come and that man is The Situation. Perhaps that explains the religious themed vest. Pauly notes that Sitch’s aggression works to his benefit because he looks like a world-class gentleman by comparison.
Eventually, Sitch tires of rejection and tries to round up the gang to go home. Only he’s the only one who’s ready to leave. He goes so far as to chuck Snooki over his shoulder caveman-style, pulling her away from some random guy she’s vibing with. This move warrants dirty looks from all around, especially when Snooki drunkenly starts screaming at him about what an a-hole he is. She pushes him and promises not to forget how he’s treating her. He takes it to be business as usual since Snooki has been known to be a drunken mess on occasion. The guys leave, and Snooki follows with Ryder soon after, claiming her mood and her night have been ruined. Everyone arrives home. Sitch gives Snooki the silent treatment. She runs to her room to pout, which he deems the behavior of a 10-year-old. And with the maturity and sexual finesse of a 12-year-old, he’s way ahead of the game!
The next morning, the tension is still palpable between the two of them. The guys head out for GTL, while the girls hit a bar with a pool. They invite Sammi, who actually waffles whether she should go play in the sun or spend an hour homebound waiting for Ronnie to come back from the gym. She’s worried she’ll be stuck talking to JWOWW since Ryder will occupy Snooki’s time. She decides to wait, asking Ronnie to validate her choice when he returns from work. He confessionalizes that he’s getting fed up with making Sammi’s decisions for her.
There’s a time-filler bit after Snooki, Ryder, and JWOWW return from the bar, in which Snooki and Ryder make meaningless noises at each other for about five hours while rooting through the refrigerator in an effort to mix more cocktails. They settle on a nutella-vodka milkshake, which ends up tasting “like asshole.” It’s riveting.
They hit up the liquor store, running into Sitch and co. on the way out. He tries to make nice with Snooki about their confrontation the night before, but she thinks it merits more than a sidewalk apology. She appreciates that Sitch acknowledged his wrongdoing but wants to have a full conversation for some reason. Sitch dismisses her as a drama queen. The girls head back to the house, mix another nasty cocktail, and draw caricatures of the roommates on the blackboard by the telephone. Again, riveting.
That night, Snooki goes around with a camcorder as everyone gets ready. The only interview we see is Sammi’s because Snooki asks her if part of her pre-club ritual is masturbation. They both claim it’s not. Uh huh. Also, there is a three-way boob grapple between Snooki, JWOWW, and Ryder. Pauly (who answers the phone “House of Love”) trumpets the cabs’ arrival, and they’re off!
Inside the club, they start fist pumping like there’s no tomorrow and dancing like no one’s watching. Ramona arrives, catching The Situation’s attention. Vinny leaves her alone for a single second, and Sitch swoops in for the robbery. Pauly does not approve. When Vinny returns, Ramona tells him about Sitch’s d**k move. She didn’t go for it, but Vinny gets his guard up since this wouldn’t be the first time Sitch has engaged in this sort of monkey business. Vinny speculates that Sitch might have a bit of an obsession with him, which is borne out when JWOWW and Pauly notice Sitch staring like a creep at Vinny grinding up on Ramona.
As the night wears on, Sitch grows even more frustrated that everyone else is having more fun than he is. He eventually gets up and makes a move on Snooki. She reels back, but he’s unfazed and actually starts to molest her a little — sticking his hand up her skirt and whatnot. He tries to get her to leave with him. She says no again, so he lashes out like a kindergartener, slapping her in the mouth. Snooki explains that Sitch without a bitch is a bad scene because he gets mean and aggressive. Sitch sees it another way, claiming he’s the “daddy” of the house and what he says goes.
Snooki tries to walk away, but he gets in her face and screams like a maniac. He storms off, and she wipes away a tear. Next, he tries to rally JWOWW to go back home with him, but she won’t leave without Snooki. He says he doesn’t care about Snooki, so JWOWW immediately reports this to Snooki. Snooki says Sitch isn’t being himself lately, and she doesn’t want to be around it anymore. Even Pauly and Ronnie acknowledge that Sitch has turned sour and impatient. The girls split from the guys and fuel the feud while Sitch tries to convince other roommates to leave with him. JWOWW says everyone is getting tired of his antics. Since no one will go home yet, he has nothing but to watch them having fun from a distance.
Next week: Sitch starts a club fight and a house fire. It’s a banner week!