Well, if you’re like me, right around the time Clark and Lana started having Super Seismic Sex, you reached into the liquor cabinet and braced for a sub-par episode of Smallville. And while the show recovered from that mind-searing introduction, it was a Lana-centric episode, which is kinda all you need to know about this week’s episode, ‘Wrath." I’m guessing it was titled as such since the producers knew how the audience would feel about an episode in which Lana actually beats up Superman in a fight. But we’ll get to that particular nugget of awful later in the recap.
And just how did Lana Lang become SuperAnnoyingGirl? Via a device from Season 1, the ol’ "Clark gets hit by lightning and someone else gets his powers" routine, last seen in Season 1’s "Leech," alluded to throughout the show in a "here we go again" sort of way by Chloe and Clark. Only, unlike last time, Clark maintains his power while Lana goes from zero to Anakin Skywalker faster than you can say "Super Mocha Mondays." (Honestly, they are just mocking me with those Talon signs at this point.)
In her crosshairs: her ex-husband and something called "Project Scion." (So help me God if the Talon starts advertising "Super Scion Saturdays!") I’m a fan of Project Scion, I have to say. For one thing, "Project Scion" is a heckuva lot catchier than "Project 33.1." Just rolls more tripplingly off the tongue. Secondly, it sets up the new, improved Braniac to return to the show, albeit one who saw "Spider-Man 3" and came away with a major crush on Venom. A liquidized form of the last crystals from Braniac’s ship, it’s evolved in Luthor’s laboratories and now escaped, thanks to the Clash of the Whiners. Watching Lana and Clark fight in bullet time was only slightly less distressing than watching Nova’s "The Miracle of Life" in sophomore biology class. Under no circumstances short of "Clark’s hopped up on red kryptonite and looking to get freaky" should Lana ever, ever land a punch on Clark Kent, people.
Clark was only the last person Lana clocked, leaving behind a trail of sore, bruised bodies along the way. Lex naturally received a concussion, which left his "Concussion Card" two stamps away from a free checkup at Smallville Medical. And Lois: well, Lois has her poor-spelling booty handed to her, thanks to some Cobra Kai moves on behalf of Lana. The Lana-kicking-Lois-through-glass scene had me torn. On one hand, physical harm was coming to Lois, and I may have cheered. But then I remembered said beatdown was delivered by Lana, and I may have punched myself in the ear. Totally conflicting scene.
And I name-dropped the Cobra Kai specifically as an homage to Lana’s outfits this year. When Clark tells Lex, "There’s something darker about her now," what he really means is, "You know, she used to rock the pink, and now she looks like she’s constantly going to a My Chemical Romance concert." But in true Smallville fashion, rather than simply Lex or Clark call her out on her horrible self, both in turn raise her even higher up on a pedestal. Clark blames himself for her duplicitous nature, and Lex, for his part, essentially says, "The fact that she tried to kill me only shows she loves me more than you do." And these are our primary protagonist and antagonist, people.
The only person to truly stand up to Lana? Chloe, and I’m proud to say the role of this week’s edition of "Kick Chloe in the Face" has been replaced by "Chloe Kicks All Sorts of Butt." Her quiet determination inside the Isis Foundation had me doing a mental fist pump. The fact that she eschewed histrionics in favor of a calm demeanor put Lana out of sorts, and put me into major swoonage. That sound you heard around 8:51 pm EST was every Chloe fan in America weeping with joy. At this point, they best move Chloe beyond Clark’s BFF and onto his GWCAALHLHEUTSFL (Girl Who Can Appreciate And Love Him Like His Equal Unlike That Stupid Face Lana).
Chloe’s boss, meanwhile, was revealed to be a major Luthor stooge this week, systematically erasing the hard drive containing the data of Project Scion. While not an unexpected development, I still appreciate the fact that Grant Gabriel is not merely a loudmouthed blowhard who takes up valuable Smallville time each when that could be better spent on central characters. See, he’s a loudmouthed blowhard who takes up valuable Smallville time each when that could be better spent on central characters on the Luthor payroll. Big difference. Obviously hired to keep Lex’s nose clean as Project Scion evolves, he could serve to evolve Lois’s character as she slowly learns his true allegiance. And yes, I just talked about "Lois Lane" and "character development." I’m as shocked as you are.
Big picture? A potentially epic Season 7 is shaping up: Supergirl. Braniac. Lex prepping for intergalactic war. Jor-El and Zor-El’s battle echoing into present day Earth. All the trappings of a HUGE battle. So, Smallville, cut the Benny Hill-esque supersex and get to the good stuff already, will you?
What did you make of the superpowered Lana? Does Project Scion have you itching for a little global domination? And when will Clark and Chloe get with the super smooching already?