It’s only Tuesday and we feel confident in saying this is the craziest thing we will see all week.
TMZ has obtained a lawsuit from a Michigan man who claims he is Selena Gomez‘s father and is suing Justin Bieber. Among the things the lawsuit alleges are:
- Justin Bieber got his “daughter” Selena pregnant and owes him $426 for the subsequent abortion. The impregnating occurred in the man’s bedroom, on a Canadian bear rug. Sexay.
- The man was sodomized with a firework by Usher Raymond while Raymond blared Kate Perry’s (sic) “Firework” song. That … is one way to interpret the song.
- Bieber gave Selena an STD and then stole the man’s credit card to buy cocaine for himself and “Sean P-Ditty Combs” to use in a drug-free school zone. Whatever that means. Also, we were unaware drug dealers took credit cards.
- The lawsuit concludes that America must boycott Justin Bieber’s music.
Amazing. And also — sometimes we are so glad we aren’t famous.