Okay, we’ll admit it. If Kim Kardashian‘s marriage and subsequent divorce was a ploy for publicity and ratings… it worked on us, because we made darn sure that we were planted on the couch at 10 p.m. on Sunday night to watch the premiere of “Kourtney & Kim Take New York.”
And, of course, we were watching with every biased intention of vilifying Kris Humphries. With “HUSBAND FROM HELL”
splashed across the cover of Us this week, we were expecting terrible,
borderline abusive behavior.
As we watched him snuggle Kim on a private
jet, murmuring, “You’re so pretty, baby,” all we could think about was
the tabloid claims that he relentlessly called her fat. As he lovingly
trimmed his quasi-brother-in-law’s armpit hair, we anticipated the homophobic remarks he allegedly made to Kim’s BFF, Jonathan Cheban.
basically nothing Kris could have done to charm us out of hating him.
The armpit-trimming gave us the tiniest glimmer of non-hatred, but it
was negated by his passing gas in Kourtney’s face.
That said, if
Kris married Kim for fame reasons — as her wise sage younger sister
Khloe suggested during the “Fairy-Tale Wedding” special — there were no
signs of him indulging in said fame as he bailed on a red carpet. He
chose to hide behind the step and repeat, texting or tweeting or playing
Angry Birds while Kim handled the press on her own.
Don’t get us
wrong — we sympathize with how weird life as a Kardashian-in-law must
be for the rather dopey guy from Minnesota. In just one episode, we were
subjected to oil enemas, anal leakage, armpit trimmings, and, the icing
on the cake: naked yoga.
Yes, Kris, we too might have been
alarmed to arrive home and find a bunch of women practicing yoga, led by
a fully nude man we had never met.
Kris’s reaction was the
problem. Instead of waiting for a private moment to have the
honey-who-is-the-naked-yoga-guy conversation, Kris insulted the
instructor’s… manhood, demanded that the surfaces he sat on be
disinfected, and repeatedly referred to him as a “rasta guy” (because
his dreadlocks made the situation positively unbearable, we suppose?).
In the end, Kris just couldn’t handle the NYC life, and he fled to Minnesota, where he can get a better workout in, apparently.
Kourtney’s boyfriend Scott Disick, who has begun to sleep in a separate
bedroom from her since we last caught up with the couple, also hit the
bricks. After cocktails, arguments, and shirtless lounging with Kris,
he’d had about enough.
The boys will, of course, be back. We can’t wait for next week’s episode.
We also can’t wait to see how damaged baby Mason is 15 years from now, but that’s a whole different story.