" fans didn't want to know what lay in the shadow of the statue, or why Miles could hear dead people, or why the Dharma Initiative built the Swan in secret. Nope: they wanted to know more about Hurley's "improved" script for "The Empire Strikes Back." And luckily for you, I got an exclusive hold of said script. It took a bit of doing, but I like to go the extra mile for my readers. So sit back and enjoy Hurley's take on a cinematic masterpiece.
The rebels, with the help of Luke Skywalker, are hiding out on Hoth. It’s colder than a frozen donkey wheel cave there. Obsessed with finding young Skywalker, Darth Vader has sent loads of spy robot thingies to find Luke for reasons yet unknown.
Exterior–Hoth. A little spy robot thingy zips through the atmosphere and crashes into the snowy planet below. That's when Chewbacca shows up and blasts it away with his crossbow laser. He shakes his furry fist in the sky in triumph.
Han Solo: Nice work, fuzzball. Now let’s go pay off that debt to Jabba. The Hutster’s gotta be pretty peeved about that $3.2 million we owe him. Hey, anyone seen Luke? I wanna tell him that the Force will always be with him, and stuff.
Luke: Sorry, I’m a bit busy feeling the blood flow into my brain here in this monster’s cave.
Obi-Wan: Luke. Luuuuuke. You totally have to go see Yoda, Luke. You need to learn how to become a Jedi so your father will love you again.
Luke: What I totally need? A jacket. And my father is dead! Dead! That’s what you told me. Don’t you remember?
Obi-Wan: Whatever happened, happened.
C-3P0: Sirs, welcome back! Wait, what happened to you? Looks like you have a ton of Arzt on you.
Leia’s way excited to see Luke, and tries to kiss him, but fortunately she trips over a stray cable and falls to the ground. Whew. That was close.
Leia: Han, no time to leave now. The Empire’s bearing down on us. I count four AT-AT Walkers approaching.
Han: Looks like eight.
Han: Fifteen? No way.
Wide shot of a totally cool ice battle. The AT-AT Walkers bear down on the small Rebel fighters, who employ ninjas strapped to the wings for extra fire power. Ninjas with bazookas. Just when all ninja hope looks lost, a buncha ice dragons come out of nowhere and save the day. Awesome.
Luke: Well, thought we were goners there for a bit. Now I have to go to the Erin Go Braugh system or something to learn about the Force.
R2-D2: Beep beep bloop beep.
Luke: Degobah, right. Was kinda woozy when Dead Ben said it and all. Ugh, this planet is nasty. Like a Mr. Cluck’s after prom night.
As the X-Wing cruises along the galazxy, they hear a low hum and see a bright flash of light. Before Luke knows it, his plane is going down faster than Starla after she dumped me for Johnny.
Yoda: To learn about the Force, you are here.
Luke: In direct sentences, I wish you speak. C’mon, little guy, I’m looking for a Yoda guy. Seen him?
Yoda: Yoda not far. Patience.
Luke: Whatever. I have an Apollo bar and a Hot Pocket, want one while we look?
Yoda: An Apollo bar? Heh! A Hot Pocket? Heh. A Jedi craves not these things.
Luke: What’s that cave over there? Smells awful.
Yoda: An incredible smell, you have discovered.
Luke: Lemmee guess, I go in there and face the Dark Side. What exactly is in there?
Yoda: Only what you take with you.
Luke: So, the entire collection of “Y: The Last Man”? Awesome, dude.
Luke enters the cave. His breath is visible. He hears ominous sounds all around him. Finally, in the clearing, he sees it: a carburetor. Through the low moan of the wind, he can hear “Viva Las Vegas” playing. Luke runs away in terror.
Yoda: Much to learn, you have. Many hugs as a child, you never received.
Meanwhile, the Millenium Falcon pulls into Cloud City to avoid Vader pursuing them. It’s made up of really big, futuristic awl things floating in the air. And the guy who runs it? Totally awesome.
Leia: “Totally awesome?”
Han: Totally. Lando’s the best. Plus? He hates the Empire.
Leia: Then why is Darth Vader right behind him?
Han: Son of a…
Lando: Sorry, old buddy. I need to keep this city running. It’s all I got. Plus: they had your names on some sort of list.
Back in Degobah, Luke has a nightmare involving his friends in Cloud City. He packs up some Lunchables for the trip, and hops in his X-Wing.
Yoda: Luke! Luke! Complete your training, you must.
Obi: He’s our last hope.
Yoda: Actually, there’s another.
Luke: Whoa. Wait. Another? And you’re just telling me this now? I would so not have done one-armed handstands while lifting boxes with my mind AND doing that day’s Sudoku if I’d know there was another.
Yoda: It’s your sister, Leia.
Luke: Ew, gross! We almost totally made out a few days ago! Why wasn’t the Force disturbed by that near makeout? Because I’m currently disturbed as hell.
Back in Cloud City, everyone’s inside this scary but super cool chamber. Han’s standing in the middle, about to be frozen alive by the machine inside.
Leia: I love you.
Han: Damn right you do.
C3P0: Wow, that Han is one bad…
C3P0: Just talkin' 'bout Han. Can ya dig it?
A cloud of smoke appears, and out of it slowly rises Han’s body. He’s now encased in carbonite, although as a last act of defiance he threw up metal hands as a final "screw you" to the Empire.
Darth: Boba, Mr. Solo is now helpless thanks to his exposure inside the carbonite chamber. You can take his frozen body to Tattooine.
Boba: You know, I’m thinking I’ll just use Fed-Ex. I hear they have these pits, but they aren’t really “pits” so much as Sarlacci, and I just don’t want to end up being slowly digested over the course of a thousand years. Just not my style.
Lando: Quick, Vader’s gone. Now’s the time to unveil my secret weapon to save Han.
Leia: What’s that?
Smash cut to Corvette, from only of the most awesome hour of television ever, Exposé.
Corvette: RAZZLE DAZZLE!
Corvette and Boba Fett engage in a 20-minute fight to the death. Eventually they stop fighting, settle down, and have three kids of their own. And those kids all fight crime. With the Hoth ninjas.
Darth: Ah, right on schedule. Young Skywalker approaches. I hope he doesn’t think I’m just back for his money.
Luke: Yes, I think you’re back for all my moisture farm money. Exactly. Moron.
Darth: Luke, there’s something you need to know about your father. He’s, um, well, he’s me.
Luke: No, that’s impossible! That’s…wait, actually, that kinda makes sense.
Luke: Well, I just found out I had a sister I never knew about, so I guess my capacity for shock is diminished.
Darth: Wow, The Emperor foresaw you taking this way worse.
Luke: Well, I’m still pretty steamed about you leaving me as a k
id. And making me live on a planet where the coolest thing to do on a Saturday is go to Toshi Station for some power converters.
Darth: Well, that’s why I’ve been following you all around the galaxy. I want to be your father again.
Luke: Then why all the continual attempts to kill me? Seems like a lame way to insert yourself back into my life.
Darth: Well, the shifter broke.
Darth: The shifter broke. Life seems so much simpler when you're fixing things. I'm good at fixing things… always was.
Luke: You’re totally having a flashback, aren’t you?
Darth: Look, let’s go back to Tatooine, you and me. Together. We’ll take the Death Star. We’ll fix it up good, you and me. All it needs is…
Luke: …a carburetor?
Darth: Well, that and a few million man hours of work. You did wreck it pretty good, son.
Luke: Only because I was afraid you’d hurt me.
Darth: I said I was sorry for leaving you as a child.
Luke: No, I mean literally hurt me. You were shooting at my X-Wing.
Darth: This is all in the past. Hey, I’ll make you a deal. You help me fix it up, I’ll let you pick the first target for the newly completed Death Star.
Luke: Won’t the Emperor mind?
Darth: He usually hangs out in a throne room that features a ginormous opening into a bottomless pit. I think we can get rid of him fairly easily.
Luke: Oh, Dad!
Darth: Oh, Son!
Three Dog Night’s “Shambala” plays as we go into montage mode, with Darth and Luke happily rebuilding the Death Star together. Watch Darth laugh as Luke gets oil squirted into his eye! Watch R2-D2 give sass to the Death Star’s mainframe interface! Watch the proud look in Darth’s mask as Luke picks the target for the Death Star’s reconstructed firepower: the forest moon of Endor. Because let's face it: Ewoks suck, dude.
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