love in the wild final three couples 'Love in the Wild': Amor salvaje and 'The Newlywed Game'We’re down to three couples on “Love in the Wild” and they all seem like fairly decent people. So how does this stay interesting? A “Newlywed Game”-esque Couples Choice Ceremony. Excellent. Especially because we’re down to nice people, so I have nothing to make fun of anymore.

Post-Couples Choice

Everybody just chills out and drinks cocktails. Camp for grown-ups!

The Challenge

The couples swim out to a boat, get a map from the anchor and take a paddleboard to retrieve five bags of coins hidden in the ocean. Wow, that is physically taxing. All that paddleboarding? Yeesh. When they have the bags, they exchange them for a secret phrase from a local, which they have to recite at the finish line.

Darren also tells them the Couples Choice Ceremony is different this time, so finishing first is still an advantage, but it won’t guarantee safety. When they start, Heather/Miles are at a bit of a disadvantage because Miles is not a strong swimmer (he actually wears a life jacket, that’s how not strong he is at swimming).

Mike stupidly falls off the paddleboard because he stands up and then falls, so Skip/Theresa pull away with a bit of a lead. But Miles/Heather are really lagging behind, so the couples are pretty spread out.

Until! Theresa realizes she dropped a bag of coins. Skip is really good about it, he tells her not to cry or freak out, just retrace their steps and look for it. Ben at home? Take note. But anyway, Skip/Theresa looking for their coins allows Mike/Sam to take over first place and it lets Miles/Heather take second. That is such a bummer.

Theresa starts crying and Skip says he’s mad at the situation, but not at her. He’s so great! Yay for Skip, I had no idea. They finally decide to give up the ghost and walk back, they can’t find the bag. Aww.

At the bar, Miles/Heather and Mike/Sam are neck-and-neck, but nobody can find Mambo. Finally, they do and the phrase is “Amor salvaje,” which means “wild love.” Heather is having some trouble with it.

In the end, Mike/Sam win and Miles/Heather take second. Heather talking-heads that she has been saving a sequined gold bikini for the Oasis. Aww. Hello, Princess Leia. Woo woo.

Midnight at the Oasis

Mike and Sam have a nice night and they start to talk about meeting families and getting married. Wow, good for them. In the morning, they go sailing and there is more schmoopy talk. Samantha says she’s having a piece of the fairytale she plans for people, as a wedding planner.

Meanwhile, Theresa is blown away by Skip a nd how great he was when she lost the bag of coins. It is perhaps sad that any woman should be SURPRISED a man is nice and understanding when she screws up a competition, but … yeah. Good for Skip.

Couples Choice Ceremony

It’s a “Newlywed Game”-esque challenge and the couple who knows each other the least goes home. Sam/Mike get to start with two points and Miles/Heather get one point because of how they finished in the challenge.

The couples get asked questions and if they match, they get a point. The first two couples to five points advance. Wow, so two points is a HUGE advantage for Mike/Sam. I feel like they should have to play to seven with that kind of advantage. The first question is about first kiss. Mike/Sam match the Oasis, Miles/Heather match second night in cabin 3 and Skip/Theresa match in bed first cabin.

Second question is who is more adventurous in intimacy. Mike and Sam say each other, so they don’t match. Miles says himself and Heather agrees, so they tie Mike/Sam at three points. Skip/Theresa don’t match because Theresa says “both,” wihich – c’mon, lady! Don’t be dumb, you can’t make up an answer in a matching game!

Skip isn’t quite so understanding this time, as he says, “What the f*** are you doing?” and “I want to smash my head on this f****** candle.” Wow, dude. Easy. You’re losing all your good will, though to be fair – that was super dumb on Jungle Barbie’s part.

The third question is what is the nicest thing your partner has done for you, directed at the ladies. Mike/Sam match lunch picnic, Heather/Miles do not match (picnic vs. bridge help) and Theresa says something really specific about hanging out together instead of going to the pool and Skip says he gave her first place on an adventure and she’s like, “Yeah, that was good.” Hee. Oh, they are terrible.

The next question is how many children, if any, would your partner like to have, and it’s directed at the men. Mike/Sam match two (because it’s come up with them), Miles/Heather don’t match because he guesses three and she puts the generic two even though she wants four because they haven’t talked about it. Heather understands how these types of games work, dude. Theresa, Miles, take note. Skip also guesses three and Theresa says two as well. Ha! They haven’t talk about it either.

To the ladies now, who makes the first move when it comes to intimacy – Heather/Miles say each other and don’t match, Skip/Theresa match on Skip, though he gets a funny “both” joke in. Hee. So it’s now 3-2, Miles/Heather. The next question is middle name, directed at the men. Miles/Heather match on Hideko, which Miles can’t spell, but he knows it. Skip/Theresa match on Velma, which Skip also misspells. So it’s 4-3, Miles/Heather. “Theresa Velma”? Yikes.

Next question is to the ladies – which part of your body do these guys like the most? Theresa/Skip match on her butt, but Miles/Heather pull it out by matching on butt as well. So Skip and Theresa are going home.  

I’m OK with that – Mike/Sam and Miles/Heather seem just a bit more solid. Skip is teasing Theresa in a good-natured way about her “both” answer. They say they are going to see each other outside the show. Cute. Good for them.

Posted by:Andrea Reiher

TV critic by way of law school, Andrea Reiher enjoys everything from highbrow drama to clever comedy to the best reality TV has to offer. Her TV heroes include CJ Cregg, Spencer Hastings, Diane Lockhart, Juliet O'Hara and Buffy Summers. TV words to live by: "I'm a slayer, ask me how."