thomas calabro 'Melrose Place': Dr. Michael Mancini has files on everyoneTonight on “Melrose Place,” it turns out Dr. Michael Mancini is keeping tabs on ALL the MPers, new and old.

Jonah & Riley, the Most Boring Couple on the Planet
Jonah gets his feelings hurt that Riley didn’t tell all her friends and family that she’s engaged. Wow, compelling stuff. Though just for the record, Jonah is totally right and Riley sucks. She should just sleep with Auggie and make this couple 100x more interesting. Also, then Jonah can leave her for Awesome Ella.

Riley goes to see Auggie at work for advice about making things up to Jonah and they flirt and make eyes at each other. He advises she make him filet mignon,  then utters the worst line EVER as he says, “Relationships are complicated. Cooking comes with instructions.” Hwah. (That’s the sound of me barfing.)

When Riley can’t get Jonah away from work for her special dinner, she confesses to Auggie that she hasn’t told anyone about the engagement yet. He pours her a glass of wine and they make more googly eyes. Later, Riley’s all drunky-drunky and says she doesn’t know how she feels and Auggie tells her she DOES know but she’s scared and they kiss. FINALLY! Something interesting! But Riley plays it off as being drunk. Lame, Riley.

When Jonah comes home, Riley apologizes. She claims her issues are that she’s only dated 3 guys and she doesn’t know what she’s doing and he’s intimidating and she wants to dive in with him. Ugh. He then a drops a big “no more secrets” anvil and she looks guilty.

Ella the Awesome
A director client goes all cuckoo and Ella grabs Jonah to direct the
music video that said cuckoopants was supposed to direct. The artist,
Boomkat, is a total diva and Jonah tries to storm off. Uhhh, way to
work hard at your big break there, dude. Ella talks him down off the
ledge and tells him she believes in him. If they don’t sleep together
for November sweeps, I’m going to be annoyed.

Jonah, of course, completely changes the weirdo director’s ideas and
gets all creative artist and awesome. Ella freaks but trusts him.
Um, are the words to this song, “We are all just human beings, across the
ocean, overseas.” Perfectly banal lyrics for a pop song. Awesome.

Later, Ella’s boss says cuckoo director is putting HIS name on Jonah’s
video. Ella doesn’t want to, but goes along with it. Booo, Ella. When
she tells Jonah, he’s pissed but thanks her for fighting for him, which
isn’t exaaaactly how it went down.

Lauren the Prostitute

Lauren hears suspicious sounds coming from Sydney’s apartment. When she investigates, she… isn’t very thorough because shes DOESN’T find Crazy Violet hiding in the closet (and possibly in the middle of trying on Sydney’s clothes).

It turns out she’s up for a spot on Dr. Michael Mancini’s intern team at the hospital. When she introduces herself to him, we get a flashback to Sydney coming to see Michael after she faked her death and got out of prison (6 years for faking your death? Wow). She wanted to get back together.

At Lauren’s interview, her lack of tuition payments comes up. Mancini blows her off because he’s worried she’ll get kicked out and he’ll have to get a new intern. She then innocently spills the beans that David was in his office. So Michael breaks into David’s apartment. Apple, tree, not far. Michael thinks David accusing him takes the spotlight off himself and vows to find out everything about David. He also knows David stole that painting from him.

On his way out, he looks at the pool and we flashback to a conversation he had with Sydney where she blackmails him to get back together. Later, Michael puts Lauren on his intern team. Obviously to keep an eye on David.

Violet the Crazy Girl

She bonds with Riley over a dress she needs help zipping up. Did she steal
that from Sydney’s closet? Mmm hmmm. Flashback to her arrival at the
apartment, when Sydney had the dress on. Violet is wearing the dress
for “some guy from work” (coughAuggiecough).

At work, Violet makes her play for Auggie by giving him $200
sunglasses. He pushes her off and she says, “No big deal” while
sporting some big ol’ crazy eyes. And that’s our Ashlee Simpson for the week!

David the Thief
David goes to see Michael, confronting him about killing Sydney. Michael claims to David that he didn’t help her fake Sydney’s death and she “did her time” for it. David sets out to prove that Michael killed her.

Lauren finds David snooping in his dad’s office at the hospital but shrugs it off and asks David to help her get a spot on Mancini’s team. Later, it turns out David hacked into his dad’s computer and now has remote access. And Michael has files on EVERYONE. Jane, Jo, Allison, Amanda, David, Ella, etc etc.  Why has he gone all Veronica Mars on the MPers? We don’t know yet!

You know… I don’t love this show, but Sydney’s murder will keep me tuning in. Next week… JOSIE BISSETT IS BACK!!!

Posted by:Andrea Reiher

TV critic by way of law school, Andrea Reiher enjoys everything from highbrow drama to clever comedy to the best reality TV has to offer. Her TV heroes include CJ Cregg, Spencer Hastings, Diane Lockhart, Juliet O'Hara and Buffy Summers. TV words to live by: "I'm a slayer, ask me how."