stephaniejacobsen melroseplace 'Melrose Place's' Lauren: Book smart, bedroom dumbWe imagine that there is many a doctor-in-training out there with similar money problems to “Melrose Place’s” Lauren (Stephanie Jacobsen). We also reckon that if they find themselves so strapped for cash they must turn tricks during their copious amounts of free time they would be smart enough to pick up one of the several former-escort memoirs available, or at least watch “Secret Diary of a Call Girl” in order to learn some tips.

Yet, Lauren seems determined to show us where the term “dumb whore” comes from.

First, she berates her second client for treating her like a date (Uh, way to secure repeat business there, honey). Then she accepts a proposition in a hotel bar and doesn’t know to get her payment up front. Good thing he wasn’t a cop. She also kisses them on the mouth and isn’t smart enough to use a quick trip the bathroom as cover if she needs to make a phone call. When the client orders champagne and cocktails, she probably doesn’t know she isn’t supposed to drink them either.

Lauren, sweetie, this isn’t a hobby. Don’t treat it like one.

All of this could be explained away though as her being new to the business. Rookie mistakes, if you will. But last week really topped things off.

When roommate Ella (Katie Cassidy) approached her about printing out some fake ER admission documents to cover for a p.r. client who OD-ed to the tune of $50,000 — enough to wipe out all of Lauren’s debt, Lauren not only refused but did so with much righteous indignation that her “job” comes first.

Who wants to break it to her that if she gets caught doing either thing, she can kiss her medical career good-bye? Do you want to take the one-time risk or keep hooking and risk getting caught over and over again?

Not to mention, even though she’s currently been taken under the wing of a high-class madam, Lauren isn’t making the best of her resources. Why split her profits when Ella could be making some introductions to her wealthy, high-profile clientele, a few of whom would probably be thrilled to have a discreet arrangement?

Maybe when Amanda (Heather Locklear) comes aboard next week, she can straighten things out.

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Posted by:Brill Bundy

Brill Bundy has spent her entire career covering TV and pop culture. This is what happens when your parents try and limit your viewing habits to three shows a week. Likes: seasons with no more than 13 episodes, anti-heroes and binge-watching. Dislikes: when cartoon characters make out, when TV shows name check their titles, drawn out premieres and finales. TV words to live by: "If every porkchop was perfect, we wouldn't have hot dogs."