Heartache, heartbreak and heartstake — that’s pretty much what the vampires of Moonlight had to look forward to this week.  I’m telling you, there are days when it hardly seems worth it to get out of the refrigerated storage unit.

Beware: Spoilers lurk beyond.

Our buddy Josef has been alive for 400-odd years, and that’s time enough to make some serious enemies. One of them, an elderly man who looks like he’s at death’s door, decides its time to pay his respect to our favorite impish vampire elder — and by "his respects" I mean "a hitman who is instructed to torch Josef to little cindery bits." Ouch. The hitman carries out his instructions admirably and blows up Josef’s weekly vampire poker game, where Josef is expounding on how much trouble mortal girls are. Looks like he won’t have to worry about that again…

Josef’s death hits Mick pretty hard — like he didn’t have enough to worry about, what with his new quasi-girlfriend staking is suddenly-human, supposed-to-be-dead, more-or-less ex-vampire ex-wife. He lies for Beth — they have no idea how this woman happened to stumble against something that left splinters in her chest cavity! — but he’s worried. Coraline obviously found some way to reverse the vampire thing, and if she dies, he’ll never find out how to do it.

He tries to get Coraline to spill the secret, but she’s distracted by the raging infection, the impending death, and the fact that her ex is in love with another woman and doesn’t seem to appreciate what she’s gone through for him. He just wants to know how to reverse things so he can be with Beth! She passes out (silly fragile human), but Mick takes a vial of her blood, presumably so he can run his own tests.

When Mick and Beth get back to his apartment, there’s a surprise waiting for them — Josef. He’s alive! Or, undead, I guess. Well, he’s not a pile of ash, and that’s good, because I adore Jason Dohring, and (spoiler alert!) we get to see him shirtless later on in the episode. Squeee! Ahem. Josef escaped his fiery fate, but the rest of his poker-playing compatriots were consumed. What’s worse, Josef now has no money, no office, no place to go for good time. Mick grounds him — no leaving my apartment! — while he investigates. He neglects to tell Josef he has to stay in the apartment alone, which is a huge oversight, because Josef immediately brings the party Mick’s place. But of course.

After a stern talking-to — "You already died once this week!" — Mick thinks Josef has mended his ways. Hah! Josef actually snuck out to his office building, where his duplicitous security guard gives the hitman the heads-up again. Mick arrives in time to save the day and get the name of the elderly man who hired the killer — John Whitely. Josef claims ignorance, but he obviously knows what’s up.

Beth finds out the employer is in New York. Road trip! There’s a slight bobble when Josh appears and there’s conversation about relationships and jealousy and blah blah really, who cares about mortal boy? Can he leap up fire escapes with stunning ease? Can he survive being shot? Does he look as good without a shirt? I thought not. Next!

Anyway, in New York, Beth and Mick discover what prompted the hit: Whitley had a daughter, Sarah, who disappeared in the 50s. Her diary revealed that she loved Josef, she knew he was a vampire, and she wanted him to turn her so they could be together forever. Apparently it’s not that easy. The good news: She’s still as beautiful and young as she was in 1955. The bad news? She’s not much of a conversationalist, as the attempted turning put her in a coma, and it’s only around-the-clock medical care that’s keeping her going. Josef is heartbroken. Who knew he was a closet romantic? (OK, everyone knew that. It’s part of his charm.)

Our hitman hits again — he stakes Josef through the heart, and is quite nonplussed when Josef refrains from dying. Stupid movies… Mick gets the jump on him and breaks his neck, then removes the stake form Josef’s chest. Josef seems to have almost enjoyed the novelty of being staked. It strikes me that Josef may need a hobby. Me? My hobby is watching a shirtless Josef tending to his wounds. Yowza!

Josef decides to stay with his vegetative lady love. Mick proposes a mad, romantic dash around New York, but Beth spoils things by mentioning how she has to patch things up with her boring, plot-device boyfriend who is just there to be an obstacle to our favorite couple’s burgeoning lurrrrrve. Seriously — ditch him. There’s no point to him. Mick wanders the streets alone, disconsolate. Poor Mick.

Back in LA, Coraline seems to be taking a turn for the worse — she vamps out (or does she?) when a nurse is trying to make her comfortable, and later flatlines. But when the crash team runs to the room, Coraline’s bed is empty. Dun dun DUN!

Is Coraline back to her vampy self? Will she try to get Mick back? Does Beth still want to be turned?  Is there any real point to keeping Josh around? Who do you prefer shirtless (assuming you are distracted by such shallow concerns, like me) — Mick or Josef? Are love triangles always improved by the introduction of sharp, pointy teeth? Discuss!

Posted by:Sarah Jersild