These are their stories.
The Jess and Winston story
It turns out that Jess (Zooey Deschanel) and Winston (Lamorne Morris) both like bathtubs. This is because Jess is a girl and because Winston used to bathe with goats in Europe. Also, they both like rose wine. Or something like that. As one who prefers showers, I don’t really know what appeals to the bath people.
Anyway, they decide to get a bath in secret and then smuggle it into the apartment. This would be a
great decent idea, if only the heavy tub hadn’t fallen through the roof, spilling plaster-filled water all over Schmidt’s (Max Greenfield) suit collection.
Obviously, the only solution to this problem is to pretend that meth-heads broke into the apartment and stole the suits. Schmidt believes the tale, but he also has security footage — sooner or later (probably later), the truth will come out.
Winston gets very scared about this, causing him to strip down to his turquoise briefs. Jess reassures Winston by locking herself in a closet and proceeding to have a claustrophobia-induced panic attack. Fortunately, Remy the building manager (Jeff Kober) is available to free Jess and then offer his services for a three-way.
Jess and Winston decline. And then they realize there is only one thing they can do: lie some more. When Schmidt comes home, Jess and Winston are bound and gagged (next to an empty d-bag jar). It seems that the imaginary meth-heads broke in again to return Schmidt’s now dry-cleaned suits.
But will there be a bathtub? That remains a mystery, neglected in favor of other stories.
The Schmidt and CeCe story
Schmidt has more on his mind than just ruined suits in “Bathtub.” He also has to deal with a career-making ad pitch to his boss, Emma (guest star Carla Gugino). Oh, and Schmidt decides to tell CeCe (Hannah Simone) that he loves her.
This being Schmidt, he expresses his love with a gift-wrapped pigeon. But he also offers CeCe devotion and children, so it pretty much balances out.
Alas, work must get in the way. Carla refuses to accept Schmidt’s pitch until they do a bunch of vitamin-infused vodka shots. This leaves the boy drunk and too late to dine with CeCe. As Schmidt passes out in his dream girl’s lap, CeCe calls her mother to ask for some matchmaking.
The Nick and Angie story
Nick (Jake Johnson) is conspicuously absent from most of these stories. That’s because he has a crush! Despite the bartender’s conviction that he must stay behind the bar, Nick does venture out to flirt with a surly girl named Angie (guest star Olivia Munn).
Of course, Nick should have followed his own rule. Angie has a violent boyfriend. And this boyfriend has a wife. Everybody works in a strip club. This doesn’t end well for Nick.
Or does it? The bartender survives his trip out into the wilds beyond his bar and even gets a reward in the form of Angie attacking him with a passionate kiss in front of the drunks. True love!
They said funny stuff too
Schmidt: “It’s rose. ‘Burn Notice’ France!” (I don’t know what it means either.)
Jess: “To Schmidt! Sleeping his way to the top.”
CeCe: “I told him I had to get serious about having kids. And he said, ‘OK, that’s cool.’ But then that’s all he said for the next 8 hours. And he hasn’t said anything to me since.”
Schmidt: “Your hair. I’d eat it out of a bowl.”
Jess: “I just don’t think the meth-heads would want anything in this room.”
Nick: “You’re a whiskey girl like me.”
Schmidt: “Took the suits! Left the d–bag jar! Typical meth-heads.”
Schmidt: “I just have to look good. Not like some Ukrainian dentist.” (Again, funny because it makes no sense.)
Schmidt, to CeCe: “I used to think it was just a heavy like. But… It’s love.”
Schmidt: “Everybody hates the Jews. Your mom’s in the majority!”
Schmidt’s pitch: “I’m out there every night, ballin’ to the max. And you expect me to do what? Just stop and chew on cherry-flavored multi-V? No thanks! I’ll take my vitamins on the rocks!”
Jess: “Don’t feel weird, Winston. Everyone has to have a weird thing.”
Schmidt: “Nothing happened! She just wanted me to taste the V!”
Winston: “D*mmit, Schmidt! We want bubbles!”