If you watched the “New Girl” episode, “Eggs,” you saw one of the most incredible scenes that has ever been aired on television. This is, of course, Schmidt (Max Greenfield) describing his sexual technique.
The setup for this is simple: Schmidt found that he could not satisfy his boss, Emma (Carla Gugino), in that area and asked Jess’ lesbian gynecologist friend Sadie (June Diane Raphael) for some help. She starts off with the basics of the vagina but soon finds out that Schmidt does not need to start at the beginning.
What happens next? For the answer to that, you should really watch this video of the greatest “New Girl” scene that ever was or ever shall be:
However, it is possible that you cannot handle the insanity and brilliance of Schmidt’s description firsthand. If that is the case, here is a word-for-word transcription of the man’s sexual technique.
“That’s exactly what I do. I call that ‘Losing Nemo’… I see what you’re doing. That asymmetry right there? That’s crucial. Because then what I’ll do is, I’ll go outside, get the paper, then shake the neighbor’s hand. Then what I’ll do is I’ll tie a bow on it because it’s birthday time. Then I get on stage and I collect my Oscar. And then say, ‘Thank you to the people,’ ‘Thank you to the people.’ And get back down off-stage and get everybody into the sharing circle. Right down there in the sharing circle… And then, [slams hand] spike the volleyball. Then what I like to do is, I like to arrive at the arrive at the bridge, meet the troll and then answer his riddles three. Then what we’re doin’ is we’re dancing. We’re just gonna dance. We’re gonna dance for awhile. We’ll dance until you can’t dance anymore. Dance until you can’t dance anymore… And then everybody… gets… churro.”