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This week on Paradise Hotel 2: Sex! Fights! Dates! Betrayal! Non-sequitors! Stupidity! The gradual death of my brain cells! The ebbing of my will to live! Plus, more sex, more stupidity, and some sexy stupidity!

I really don’t need alcohol to spoil with people.

Sex and its aftermath

Last week, Tanya was consigned to the shame of the single room, while Chelsea chose to bonk someone other than her roommate. Chelsea immediately learns that gettin’ it on with Ryan was a strategic error. First, it makes James nuts (his ego is bruised), and he tells her he won’t be staying with her. Second, Ryan isn’t even gentlemanly enough to escort her back to her room, so Chelsea is forced to do the Walk of Shame by herself. The horror!

Of course, Chelsea isn’t making any friends when she reveals she’s the sort of self-absorbed idiot who must analyze everything the next morning — We did this! And he said that! And I said this! And what do you think about that? And ohmigod, there’s this, too! The other women at the table are rolling their eyes and praying for her to shut the hell up, but alas, she does not.

Tanya picks Ryan and Mike for her one-on-one dates. She has a great time with both guys, but she exchanges the most spit with Mike. Their date spills over to the single room later on, and Mike and Tanya get it on.

Unclear on the concept
Chelsea is peeved that Tanya picked Ryan for a date: "She knew I made out with [Ryan] before she made the selection. That little detail didn’t bother her." Does Chelsea get the premise of this show? There’s no Girlfriend Code here — it’s every woman for herself. Besides, Chelsea can’t exactly preach loyalty when she jumped into bed with Ryan rather than doing the honorable thing and boinking her chosen roommate.

Krista is wigged about Tanya’s date with Mike — after all, Krista’s a virgin, she didn’t give it up to Mike, and Tanya… well, Tanya will. Does Krista understand the premise of the show? I’m thinking no, based on the lack of willingness to put out for the cameras, and this statement: "The problem is I’m non-confrontational? I don’t want to break up [a couple]…" Krista, you’re doomed.

Tanya has her own blind spot. She consoles Krista by telling her "no one here strikes me as anyone who wants any sort of drama." Bah! If that’s the case, the evil, cackling producers and casting agents didn’t do their job.

The drama
Raheim almost immediately proves Tanya wrong by Bringing the Drama in the most nonsensical way. First, he warns the other men "If someone rubs me the wrong way, I’m going to rub them out if I can." Ohhhhhhhhkay. Then, he gets pissy about a suggestion that he jump in the pool: "I don’t need to dance around your pool, act like a gigolo, to make you happy." Check the filming agreement, Raheim: I’m pretty sure "dance around your pool, act like a gigolo" is indeed in the contract.

When James (stupidly) tells Raheim "Don’t put your ghetto black *** on my ass, baby," Raheim blows up. Never use "black" and "ghetto" in a sentence! You’re disrespecting me! Cue the posturing, the shoving, and Raheim stripping down (ostensibly so he can get in the pool and kick James’ ass). Several women stand between Raheim and his quarry, and he stalks off.

By the next morning, everything’s fine — Raheim and James have bonded again, and Raheim tells the other guys that if they’ve got a problem, they should say something now. Surprisingly, it’s Nate who speaks up and tells Raheim he handled that poorly. Huh. I didn’t expect that from him.

The selection
Tanya finds out that she’s not safe from elimination, since she shared a room with Mike. Does that mean if they’d just gotten busy by the pool, she’d still be safe?

Tanya kicks off the selection by going for Mike. Krista, who knows she can’t compete, chooses James instead. Everyone else sticks with their roomie, leaving Chelsea last. Chelsea knows James is through with her, so she goes for Ryan. Mistake! Ryan has had that particular milk, so the cow can go on home. Chelsea does yet another walk of shame, this time on her way home.

Other stuff:

  • Choice quote: Tanya tells Mike "I tend to make out with my friends and people… I really don’t need alcohol to make out with people." That’s a direct slap at Chelsea, who tells James she fell into bed with Ryan because she drank too much, which she was doing to prompt herself to sleep with James. I don’t know if James is more offended by the fact that she slept with someone else, or the suggestion that she needed to get drunk to make sleeping with him possible.
  • James and Raheim bond over hating their roommates, and pledge to get rid of them. I can sort of see where they’re coming from — James’ trouble with Chelsea is obvious, and Tadisha is pretty open about her distaste for Raheim — but I’m not sure they’ve realized that next round, the men are going to be on the chopping block. Idiots.
  • Mike, talking about the Raheim/James confrontation: "The girls, you could tell, the girls were scared." Oh, right — it was the girls who were scared. Not you.
  • I am amazed at how much filler they pack into these episodes. I suppose I should be grateful — less original content means less flagrant stupidity. Still, this could be a half-hour show. Or better yet, a no-hour show.
Posted by:Sarah Jersild