Welcome fans of love, welcome to I Love Money. Or, as I like to think of it, I Need To Be Seen On The Telly At All Costs. Let’s face it, these people love (need) the money, but they need to keep up their exposure even more. I believe that Ricky Gervais made the most concise statement regarding this mentality on the Extras Christmas Special – end of discussion. But, does this mean that we shouldn’t watch these foos chase another minute of fame and fleeting riches? Hells naw! We’re not the ones embarrassing ourselves, are we?

Let’s meet our cast:

The Entertainer — I Love New York, Season 2
Chance — I Love New York, Season 1
Pumkin — Flavor of Love, Season 1
Mr. Boston — I Love New York, Season 1
Midget Mac — I Love New York, Season 2
Heat — I Love New York, Season 1
Megan — Rock of Love, Season 2 (and her Chihuahua, Lily)
Hoopz — Flavor of Love, Season 1
Nibblz — Flavor of Love, Season 2
Toastee — Flavor of Love, Season 2
12 Pack — I Love New York, Season 1
Whiteboy — I Love New York, Season 1
Heather — Rock of Love, Season 1
Brandi — Rock of Love, Season 1
Rodeo — Rock of Love, Season 1
Destiney — Rock of Love, Season 2
Real — I Love New York, Season 1

Now, I’ll admit right up front that I haven’t seen all of these shows. Personally, I have only sought Flavor of Love and the first season of I Love New York for my dose of ignorance. But I don’t think this will retard my ability to absorb the flow of this show in the least. There’s retardation enough to go around, IMHO.

Our castmates arrive at the island designated to house their challenges, all of them jumping fearlessly into the water, with the exception of Midget Mac. He claims that he has had a fear of water since seeing his uncle drown. All this excitement before the first break, can you believe it!!!

We come back from break, and Mac is still on the boat. Fortunately, 12 Pack ends the tedium by grabbing the pint-sized lothario and delivering him to the beach. Our heroes arrive at the mansion, and meet Craig Jackson, the host, who lays out the stakes – $250k! It is made known that a series of challenges will determine the winner, but I believe that there will be much more to the show than fun and games.

A mad dash for the bedrooms begins, and alliances form. Pumkin and Toastee, 12 Pac and Heat, Heather and Destiney, and Whiteboy, Chance, and Real get chummy right quick. Boston continues with the creepy vibe from I Love New York, failing to find a bedroom for himself, and turning women off at a record pace. Jeez!! This show is reaching new heights of ADD-friendly editing. Watching this monstrosity is testing the limits of my abilities to keep my eyes open without blinking. I can’t tell the difference between the pace of the commercials and the show.

CJ gives our heroes the opportunity to explain why they deserve the money versus say, a worthy charity. Mr. Boston embarrasses himself, Toastee promises to get out of porn and into medical school, and Pumkin says she will get new boobs. Damn, Pumkin has turned into Plumpkin! I can see that the lifestyle of personal appearances in Des Moines, Butte, Charleston and points in between has been good to her. I guess you can never get enough of free hot wings.

The Entertainer will use the money to get out of his parents house, Heat will help with his mother’s “disformation,” and Rodeo will further her extensive product line. Heather will erase her Brett Michaels tattoo (I’m sure that it seemed like a brilliant idea at the time, I would have doubtlessly done the same.) Hoopz, Whiteboy, Real, and Chance pledge their winnings to their familes, while Destiney chooses the equally viable option of buying a Corvette.  12 Pack one-ups Destiney by thinking that $250,000 will buy him a bar. I thought this was stupid until Brandi stated that the same money would buy her a dream house in the hills of Hollywood. I think a real estate education is in order here, although in this market…

Nibblz has apparently moved up from TV whore to dominatrix, and says she will build a dungeon for her customers. Megan expresses her desire to adopt mentally retarded dogs for charity. Mmmm, that’s great, but I think maybe you might need to be adopted for the same reason, tragically. Midge states that after helping out his folks, a sizeable portion of his winnings will go to strippers. Midge my man, I think you can start with your charity with some of the people on this show even before you win. Loved the golf clap after that one, BTW.

The cast are given bikinis to don. While Mr. Boston embraces his feminine side, Midget Mac resists this turn of events, electing to compensate for his bashfulness with alcohol. Mac and Hoopz get into a war of words, and my money is on Hoopz here. She might be degrading herself for TV, but she’s in some damn good shape. Mac makes no friends with his misogynist blasts.

The purpose of the skimpy attire is revealed as the castmates are informed that they are to hop inside a cyclone-powered money booth and stuff as much dough as they can into their bikinis in 30 seconds. The two winners will become captains of team Green and team Gold, and save themselves from elimination that evening. Midget Mac continues his refusal to wear a bikini and thusly declines to compete.

As the competition begins, a couple of the stereotypically dimwitted blondes DQ themselves straight away by not following the rules of the competition. Folks, I feel bad for blondes everywhere. Personally, my sister and mother are both quite blonde and have more brain power individually than the cast of this show and it’s producers combined. Well, actually, that is kind of understating their intelligence.

The skripper skills are in full effect as the cast grab cash. Chance disqualifies himself by refusing to remove his do rag, and in the final estimation Hoopz and Whiteboy prove themselves tops. Our two winners will be given the opportunity to choose their teams.

The losers start making their case for being chosen by the captains. Mr. Boston, in particular, does some politicking on his own behalf, but Whiteboy isn’t having any of it (until he mentions the Tribe,) and Hoopz is having less. Megan is far more successful in making inroads with Whiteboy by utilizing her feminine wiles. Meanwhile, Boston discovers that Brandi and Megan have hidden the extra bed in their room from him. Mr. Boston reclaims his rightful sleeping place from the girls.

As the time for choosing teams nears, the cast turns on Midget Mac for refusing to participate in the challenge. Rodeo calls out the tiny bigot for the language he used with Hoopz (we aren’t sure what he said, but I think he dropped a C-bomb.) She comes to him from a sensitive angle, but he proves recalcitrant, choosing to seek booze over forgiveness.

The captains assemble to select their teams. Hoopz selects first, and is the first to win her pass to the next round, a novelty check that signifies survival on the show. Here’s how the teams break down.

Team Hoopz (Gold): Rodeo, 12 Pack, Entertainer, Heather, Toastee, Pumkin, and Nibblz

Team Whiteboy (Green): Chance, Real, Mr. Boston, Heat (albeit reluctantly,) Destiney, Megan, and Brandi

Brandi offers some lame pushups in her defense, whereas Nibblz shows the proper way to do them. Midget Mac offers no reason that he should stay, and has won himself no allies. He has not been selected for either team, and is the first to leave the Mexican paradise that has been reserved for our competitors.

Well loyal readers, I’m rather speechless after this evening’s display. And it looks like there’s even more nutty competitions and mindless screaming to come. I’m betting that his will be the epitome of foolish behavior. Do you want to hear more recaps of I Love Money? Let’s hear your comments and see your hits, and it just might happen!

Posted by:Andrew Stubinski