It’s somebody’s bright idea that violent drug offender Emily should do the remainder of her community service on a teen helpline, so of course every call she gets is from somebody she knows. Hilariously, it’s Hermie the Hermaphrodite, seemingly copping to being the gender-neutral person that beat her up last week in that greenhouse, so of course — since it’s Emily — she immediately becomes concerned for his wellbeing.
Obviously, everything he says works just as well for Lucas being A as it does for him complaining about being the third wheel in the Hanna/Caleb romance, so his warnings about doing something terrible, namely declaring his feelings for Hanna, are trumped up by the insane Liars into a threat to murder all of them. This ends up, don’t ask, with Hanna and Caleb alone in the middle of the night in a rowboat, where a hyped-up Hanna decides to knock his ass out with an oar and leave him there to die in a heretofore unknown level of the Friend Zone.
Spencer and Hanna throw Caleb a surprise birthday party that ends in tragedy, because have you ever seen this show. Meanwhile, in a last-ditch effort to become something more than the most ****ed-up family in Rosewood not named “Hastings,” Ella and Byron decide to take Aria to the only restaurant in town. This also, of course, ends in tragedy, but at least it’s the kind where Ella kicks the usual amount of ass.