Previously on Rock of Love Bus… we had busty girls wrestling in mud. Or as I like to call it… “Tuesday.” What will happen tonight?

The girls get a note about heading for Alabama, or “the heart of Dixie.” It turns out that Taya is Pet of the Year. So she’s the Hottest Girl Who is Willing to Get Naked in a Magazine That Isn’t as Classy as Playboy, Which Still Shows Fully Naked Women Who Want to Make Money Showing Their Bajingos to the World. Got it.

Today the women are competing in the Truck Stop Games. Please let them have to show proficiency in road head. Please. Bret Michaels says the things he loves most in the world are women, games and touring the world in his bus. He lists his dislikes as adult contemporary stations, Warrant, and crabs. The teams are: Beverly, Ashley and Kami as the Blue Team, Jamie, Mindy and Brittanya as the Green Team and Kelsey, Farrah and Taya as the Yellow Team.

The girls head into the Decatur Motor Lodge, Hair Care and Tire Center to get changed into their colored bandannas. Just like on “Survivor!” The first contest is jumping into a pool of beer to see who can make the biggest splash. One contestant from each team gets to belly-flop into the pool. The Blue and Green team contestants do regular belly-flops. Kelsey from the Yellow Team takes off her bra, then emerges from the beer all “Girls Gone Wild.” She wins. Shocker. [ring finger held down with your thumb. Go on, do it. I’ll wait.]

The next challenge is the Stripper Pole. Brittanya, the GO-GO DANCER for the Green Team, takes a giant turd on stage. She’s awful. She has fake tits and shorts the size of a band-aid, so maybe she’ll win anyway. Kami takes a turn for the Blue Team and shakes her stuff, then manages to hit the splits (in straddle, not front-to-back, which is harder) so she’s definitely the frontrunner.

For the Yellow Team, Taya takes a turn. She immediately goes upside down straddle, into wrapping a leg around the pole and gracefully sliding down. I’m impressed and I don’t even want to be a stripper. Taya wins, in my book. However, the fat, gross judges award Kami the winner. That is crap. Taya owned that pole. What a ripoff.

The next contest is the Weiner Relay. One girl fixes the weiner, one girl runs with the weiner, one girl slip n’ slides the weiner. Or as I like to call it… “Saturday Night at the Frat House.” The highlight is Farrah dropping half her bun on the Slip n’ Slide because she freaks out and grips the weiner too hard. However, Farrah bares her bra to the judges and the Yellow Team takes the Weiner and the overall win.

However, scrupulous Bret decides that the Blue Team got a little screwed over in the competition (I mean, who can compete with Farrah’s knockers?) so he takes Beverly, Ashley and Kami to his Bus o’ Love. Do I hear the strains of “Cherry Pie” in the backround? Someone is having a little fun with Bret in the production booth. They discuss the way they like to [bleep]. For me, it’s… back seat, windows up, that’s the way I like to [bleep]. But for these guys, it’s in the dark. Ashley would include other girls, Kami would not.

Kami is disgusted by Ashley, calling her the “most skankiest.” Kind of like in Drop Dead Gorgeous when Allison Janney gets to make fun of Ellen Barkin for calling her daughter the “most smartest.” They all head off for the bedroom and Ashley starts taking off her clothes, apparently.

When they get back to the Wanna Sucka Gamma house, the girls can’t believe how Ashley was acting. Kami comments that she doesn’t “want to go after a guy who is going after a skank like that.” Ummm… then what are you doing on this show?

The next day, Kami goes to Bret to talk about her “feelings.” Unless by “feelings” she means her “nipples,” I don’t think he’s interested. The Thing That Ate Bret Michaels entertains her company on the bus. She gets choked up (but not in the good Bret-Michaels-way) and he tells her she can’t expect him to change his lifestyle. Hmmm. He says goodbye and she leaves. What did she expect on this show? Seriously? As Kami leaves, the plinky-plunky strains of “avoiding an STD” play. I pour one out for my home girl.

Next up, Kelsey, Farrah and Taya head off on their date to an amusement park in Birmingham. Farrah calls it “someplace out of a movie.” A porno, maybe. “Bret Michaels’ Alabama Amusements.” They head to the bumper cars, the wooden roller coaster, then the carnival games. Finally they head to the Ferris Wheel, where Bret wants some “quality time” with the girls. Farrah talks about girls being “fake,” while sporting fake boobs, platinum hair and Paula Abdul jewelry.

Kelsey gets her chance and says she likes “looks.” Humor and personality are good too, but looks are key. Bret finds her “wise beyond her years.” Sigh. Oh, Kelsey. Farrah comments that it looks like Kelsey is “kissing her dad.” Well, yeah. Because Bret Michael is 52 years old.

The girls confront Taya on the bus about being a stripper and being all holier-than-thou. It devolves into a big ol’ fight about Taya actually being named Laurie and being “Pet of the Year.” Does that title make anybody else think that she’s the best “feel-up” of the year? Just me? During this whole altercation, a black square is put over Farrah’s chest. Does she just whip her boob out? Does her nipple itch? I just don’t know what the reason is.

It is now time for the concert to start. A “fan jam” for Bret Michaels. He says it is “connecting with fans on a very personal level.” Like a carnal level, perhaps? The girls are put into VIP section right next to the stage and get drunk six ways from Sunday. The “VIP” section appears to be a stained red couch in the Birmingham Distribution Warehouse, which is the only kind of place Bret Michael can book right now.

Over in the VIP section, Kelsey and Farrah are mauling each other near the “vodka-soaked couches.” The other girls are embarrassed… which… whoo… that’s saying a lot. Farrah and Kelsey get carted off by “Big John” (“Every mornin’ at the mine you could see him arrive. He stood six foot six and weighed two forty five. Kinda broad at the shoulder and narrow at the hip. And everybody knew ya didn’t give no lip to Big John.”) Sorry. I had a song flashback. Anyway, Farrah and Kelsey are dragged off and made to have a “time out” on the bus. Do they get spanked later?

Kelsey runs off from the bus and inexplicably lays down on a speed bump and starts sobbing. I can categorically say I have never been that upset. Especially over Bret Michaels. Big John comes to give her a Big John pep talk. (“Now they never reopened that worthless pit. They just placed a marble stand in front of it. These few words are written on that stand. At the bottom of this mine lies one hell of a man… Big John.”) Big John for President.

Elimination Time. The other girls think Kelsey is not ready for “all this.” Who is, really? Who is? I feel like I need a shower just watching this show. And most of the girls are da-runk. Farrah, Ashley and Kelsey need each other’s help staggering down the Aisle of Shame into the Elimination tableau. Ashley talking-heads that she can’t even spell “elimination.” But can she spell that sober? Could go either way.

Kelsey sways in place at the elimination and talking-heads about how at least she’s there… and good for her. She figures she can’t be the only person “that’s got drunk and laid on a speed bump.” Well, not since The Program came out. Jesus tapdancing Christ.

Bret shows up and his poofy face calls Kelsey down off the platform. He recaps the night and sends her home, as Farrah and Ashley look on like Meth-addicted Girls Next Door. Ashley very lovingly whispers to Farrah that Kelsey “doesn’t have any of [her] clothes… so it’s okay.” Well, as long as the Junior Miss clothing is okay, we’re all okay.

Bret finds Farrah and Ashley to be Double Trouble. (Hey, that was a good show! Jean and
Liz Sagal, represent!) Bret thinks he’ll give them another chance because he “really likes them.” And by “them,” he means “their clown boobs.”

Posted by:Andrea Reiher

TV critic by way of law school, Andrea Reiher enjoys everything from highbrow drama to clever comedy to the best reality TV has to offer. Her TV heroes include CJ Cregg, Spencer Hastings, Diane Lockhart, Juliet O'Hara and Buffy Summers. TV words to live by: "I'm a slayer, ask me how."