It’s Sunday night, and hopefully you went to church this morning. You need some really amazing karma points to counteract the trashiness that is Rock of Love each week, people. I cannot be held responsible for any drunken pole dancing, skinny dipping, vomiting, or fighting that occurs if you do not take the proper precautions before watching. Oh, and that list you just read? That’s the previouslys. Plus Kristia and Dallas were evicted.
Brandi C. deals with the loss of her best friend by getting terrifically drunk. And then denying to be drunk and hanging outside Brett’s bedroom door, demanding entry. Big John deflects her handily enough, which is probably made easier by the fact that no one could possibly understand a single word she’s slurring, so all he has to do is stand there, say "No" repeatedly, and gently push her away on occasion. It’s even easier because many of the sounds she’s making are completely lost to the human hearing range. Thank god no animals are on set.
Meanwhile Rodeo starts crying because she misses her son. Lacey goes to tattle and Brett comes out and consoles Rodeo, but later admits he’s not sure she’s up for handling the Rock house. Well played, Lacey, you evil minx.
The next afternoon, Brett calls all the girls to the one room in the house by playing a harmonica. He challenges the girls to inspire him by writing their own lyrics to one of two songs. I am already shuddering at the idea of hearing the juxtaposition of Brandi C.’s shrill voice and Magdalena’s man voice.
The girls are split into groups of two, and told that the girls on the winning duo will each get private dates with Brett. Predictably, all the performances are awful – but most of the girls have admitted to no musical ability and are only given an hour or so to toss something together, so I can’t hold it against them. Too much.
Lacey brags about how she is the only person in the house with any musical talent, and figures she’s a shoe in. Except she gets paired with Erin (AKA, "Circus T*ts"), who has absolutely no sense of rhythm. Brandi C. is happier about her partner, because Sam has apparently been writing "in her creepy little journal thing", so she’s has a catalog of existing emo lyrics for them to chose from. Which is better than Rodeo’s lyrics, which center around her kids and Brett’s kids hanging out "LA Style" and how she will love him like a rainbow. I am not kidding.
The stand outs are Brandi M. and Jes, who decide to embrace their lack of ability by just rocking out and having a good time. They are adorable and make up for the fact that their only appreciable talents are – in their own words: smoking and drinking. Sadly, they do not win. Brett calls a tie between the teams of Magdalena and Heather and Sam and Brandi C. Which they are not happy about, because it means no one gets private dates. Brett is smarter than he looks.
Rodeo sobs over having lost the competition entirely, and because she still misses her kid and she feels that by having mentioned her kid in the song repeatedly, she used him. Which seems apropos to me. Brandi C. notes to Lacey that Rodeo needs to get her emotions in check, and that she should have prepared for missing his child. After all, she herself really misses her cat. And I do believe she just equated the stray she picked up from behind the dumpster at the Cheetah to a human child.
That night Brett Takes out Magdalena and Heather to a sushi restaurant. I start to contemplate dashing out for some kanisu and tuna tataki, but my daydream of raw delights is broken when Magdalena asks Heather is being a stripper makes her a man hater. I am not sure she could have been less smooth about that. But enough saki erases anything, and soon the girls are talking about getting piercings or tattoos once dinner is over.
Instead, Brett gives them electric guitars and they stumble back to the house. Where they continue drinking, and Heather starts stripping, and it’s another night in the Rock of Love house. Until Lacey, Heather and Brandi C. all climb into Brett’s bed and the next shot it the closed door with a hat on the knob. Hey! Hat on the knob could be a euphemism for using a condom! And let’s hope he did.
The next morning brings several hang overs, including one from Brett. He tries to make the room stop spinning, while a group of the girls bitch about what happened. Lacey appears to find out what people are talking about and they boldly tell her "you" and about what she, Heather and Brandi C. did the night before. Lacey refuses to confirm or deny what happened behind closed doors and one of the girls mentions "I don’t want to kiss him if he just *censored* your *censored*!" Use your imaginations, if you dare.
Brett tells Brandi C. and Sam to get ready to go horseback riding with him that afternoon. Rodeo bawls because that was her dream date. I wonder if Rodeo is related to Amber from Big Brother 8. They have the same forehead veins that pop out when they cry.
On the date, Brandi is predictably shrill and annoying. Sam is distant and quiet. Brett gives them each an acoustic guitar, and Brandi C. notices that the strings sound different and that "must be notes or something!" She’s quite clever. Sam steals a grateful Brett away for some actual conversation, and notes that she has trust issues and doesn’t feel good about the things that are going on in the house.
I would like to take this moment to note that one of the lyrics from Sam’s winning song was "Lie to me boy, tell me I’m the one", and that Brett was apparently paying attention. He lays down a bunch of reasons why he is the way he is, and then launches into how much he likes her and wants to know more about her. She falls for every last bit of it, and makes out with him to prove it.
That evening at the Elimination ceremony, Brett says they are going to do things a little different. He calls Rodeo up and says that as cool as she is, she needs to be home with her child. He gives her his hat and walks her to the door as the other girls stand there in total shock. Rodeo cries and so does Brett, and Heather camera talks that it proves he has a heart of gold. Sure.
The girls are all called up, one by one, until just Lacey, Heather and Brandi C. are left. My first instinct is that one of them wasn’t very good the night before. But when it turns out that it’s Brandi C. that is eliminated as well, I have to concede it could also be due to the clinging, the whining or the vapid intellect. I’m just glad I won’t have to hear her voice next week!