Oh, Rock of Love fans … it feels like such a farce to go through the previouslys each week, as if something unexpected occurred. As if perhaps the girls put away the cans of Coors and opted instead for nice orange pekoe with a splash of milk. Instead of dry humping the stripper pole in the main room, they decided to change it up and discuss Sartre’s defense of Existentialism. Alas, constant readers, no. Instead, everyone hates crazy Lacey, Heather gained a lifetime of regret by getting Bret’s name tattooed on the back of her neck, and Sam was sent home.
Bringing us to the final four this week, which is breaking up into Brandi and Jes versus Lacey and Heather, with Lacey specifically targeting Brandi. Lacey tells us the reason Brandi is next on her hit list because Brandi burps and farts. While not my preferred mode of communication, I will take burping and farting over disingenuous and dangerous any day.
The girls are informed that they will be going to Las Vegas for one of Bret’s shows and to allow him to see how well they deal with the rock and roll experience that is being on tour with Poison. So, Metamucil shots at twilight? The girl who proves her ability to best gets solo time with Bret. They all get on the Bus and the girls start drinking. As soon as they arrive in Vegas a couple hours later, Bret announces he needs to go to sound check, more than likely doing anything to escape the simpering, arguing and trashbaggery that seems to color everything these girls do.
The girls get ready and Brandi brags that she can party like no other and with a couple of red bull and vodkas in her, she’s great and then confessionals that her big plan is to get Heather so drunk so can’t walk. Jes admits that she doesn’t have a plan but that she is certain that she doesn’t want to get drunk, though she’s sure all the other girls will be trashed. Soon enough all the girls are brought to the front row at the show, where we watch Brandi try to sing along with a song she clearly does not know the words to and Lacey try to dance despite a total and absolute lack of any sense resembling rhythm.
We are treated to each of the girls recount their show experience, with Lacey taking the idiot cake by saying that she feels closer to Bret after watching him perform such powerful songs. So, "The boys in the back room, Billy shooting pool. Trading dirty glances with pretty boys playing cool" is powerful in Lacey’s world. A world I do not want to visit, much less live in. The girls are ushered backstage with the band (Where is CC DeVille?) and even though Bret ducks out for a few minutes, they practically attack the alcohol. Jes describes it as chugging, and when we see Lacey and Brandi holding their noses and upending bottles of Jagermeister, I have to admit that she is not far off and it’s not long before they are both utterly smashed. The band leaves a moment later, but the girls don’t even slow down.
And just as sloppy drunks are wont to do, Lacey zeros in on the most sober person in the room, who happens to be Jes, and proceeds to accuse Jes of being f***ed up, before sliding to sit on the ground. From the other side of the room, Brandi accuses Heather of giving her a dirty look, which becomes confused in Lacey’s reality as Brandi giving Heather dirty looks, so she gets up and starts to follow Brandi around the small room, repeating "show me what ya got" before pouring some vodka out over her head before cornering her against a wall. In response, Brandi informs her that the tactics she used on Dallas won’t work on her and then – I swear to you – farts on her.
Lacey backs away and tries to go back to her spot on the floor, but instead trips over Heather while continuing to yell at Brandi, until Big John comes in and yells at them all to shut the hell up. And also, that it is time to go to dinner. The girls all file out into the hall except for Lacey, who has to hang on to Big John for dear life and be practically dragged through the casino to the suite. All the while Heather follows a few paces away in her ratty pigtails and trucker hat, and yells at Lacey to pull herself together. Just behind her is Brandi, staggering and slurring that she shouldn’t care if Lacey pulls it together because Lacey threw her under the bus. Heather asks her what she means and Brandi staggers past shrilling about haw Lacey said she didn’t give a @#*&! who she had to @#*&! over to get Bret, because he was @#*&! hers. It’s the Trashgiving Day Parade!
Up in the private clubroom, the girls sit at the bar and wait for Bret. Well, they all sit down, but right away Lacey tells the bartender not to give "the fake bitches nuthin’ " to drink, before crawling up onto the bar top on her hands and knees. Jes tells her to get down, and Lacey crawls over to Jes, repeating "Or what? Or what? Or what?" while Jes informs her of the obvious – that she has no respect or class. All of it is lost on Lacey, who manages to lose her balance despite being on all fours and falls face down onto the bar before sliding off, into the bartender. Who did not get tipped enough to deal with any of this, I can assure you.
Bret comes in and marvels t how drunk the girls are after only a few minutes with his band. He tries to untangle the nearly cat fighting girls and asks if they can just have a nice dinner. Lacey is propped up in a chair with her head in her hands but when Bret asks her if she would like some bread, all she can manage is to slur something that sounds sort of like "This is so bad" but could just as easily be "Ugh, I smell bad", which are probably equally true statements. A moment later she completely collapses and Big John is given the unfortunate task of taking out the trash and carrying her away.
The food arrives at the table and one look at the seafood platter lets me know someone will puke, and soon. Heather voraciously digs in as if she hasn’t eaten in days, asking Brandi if she wants her to pass her some oysters. Brandi turns her down and Heather immediately starts to try to bully her into eating some of the raw delights. When Brandi fires back that she doesn’t eat oysters because they make her sick, Heather decides she will have to make due by grossing Brandi out by sucking back as many shells as she can, as loudly as possible. It’s not long before Brandi cheeks are bulging on either side of her fist, holding a linen napkin over her mouth, and jets of vomit shooting out the sides.
Jes helps her to the bathroom, with Bret following, while Heather yawns and continues to gorge herself over the dinner table alone. Jes camera talks that the evening couldn’t be worse, having dinner with two drunk fruit loops and a hungry stripper, and she’s right … I can imagine few dinner scenarios more awful. In the bathroom, her head in the toilet, Brandi heaves repeatedly, before leaning back, looking into Bret’s eyes, telling him she loves him. Ahhh, L’Amour! At the end of the night, however, Jes is the clear winner and Bret tells Heather he will see her and the other girls tomorrow. Heather is clearly unhappy with his decision, but it doesn’t keep her from ordering the staff to pack up all the food for her to take back to her room.
Alone at last, Bret tells Jes that he can party with the best of them, but at the end of the day he wants someone who is solid, and we leave with then making out. The next morning Bret tells us that they got to learn each other inside and out and that it was a good night. Jes confessionals that she feels closer to him emotionally, physically sexually and I start looking for a wire brush and bleach with which to clean the implied imagery from my brain. Bret lets her know that he’s sending her ahead to LA and he’s going to spend the day with the other girls to make up his mind on who to eliminate, which as first puts Jes off, until she realizes that the indication is that she is safe.
In the suite the girls shared, Brandi is deep in the throes of a nasty looking hang over and says she can’t handle this and therefore Bret must not be the one for her, and she realizes that now. Heather answers that she is certain he is the one for her and Brandi needs to come clean and get out of the way. Bret calls the girls down to the pool and when they arrive, he asks them how they feel. Lacey tries to pass it off that Brandi is worse off that she is, but her unbrushed hair and lack of make up speak volumes on their own. Also, there is no way she’s only 30.
Bret lets the girls know he’s set up some spa treats for each of them and that he will spend time with each of them alone as well. First he and Heather get a hot stone massage and Heather tells him how much she cares about him and all the usual sucking up. Next is Brandi, who gets some sort of frontal massage with Bret, and tells him that she has been keeping her guard up because she is afraid of getting hurt and that she’s been questioning whether she can hang, but that it doesn’t mean he’s not that one for her, that she’s not giving up and she wants to take their relationship to the next level. Basically, the exact opposite of what she told the two girls who hate her the most this morning.
As soon as Brandi and Bret some back to the pool, Heather asks Brandi if she told him what she told them this morning. Brandi replies that she did and Bret says they had a good talk, and next takes Lacey in to get a foot massage. Lacey immediately starts in on trashing the other girls, saying that she doesn’t think Jes and Brandi are into him. She then tells him what Brandi told her and Heather a few hours earlier, stunning Bret enough to make herself cackle like the evil witch she truly is. Bret camera talks that he doesn’t know who is being real and who is being malicious, but that for the night he’s picking Heather and Lacey to stay in Vegas with him Brandi goes back to LA. Sealing her fate.
The two remaining girls get dressed and walk down the hall to meet up with Bret and I note that they each walk like men in heels, which is surprising since Heather is a stripper. Lacey tells us that she’s afraid that Bret may think she’s crazy and someone should put her out of the misery of such fear and just confirm it for her. We all know she’s crazy. Instead, back in the private clubroom, Bret asks Heather if she really thinks they would work as a couple. She replies that they are both "the whole package" and they have the same soul. If Heather is "the whole package" then … well, I don’t even know how to finish that statement. Bret reminds Heather that Every Rose Has Its Thorn was about a stripper who broke his heart and that he doubts her ability to really be involved with him. She quickly tries to find some reasoning for why that wouldn’t be the case, but instead flounders, repeating that she’s very loyal. So are puppies.
Lacey jumps in and, apropos of nothing reminds Bret that Heather has already had a date one on one with him and she hasn’t. And there is probably a reason for that. Still, she all but begs for some alone time with him, while Heather argues that she would love more time alone with Bret, and that she has a stronger connection to him than Lacey does. Through all this, Bret stares intently at his food and seems to be wishing they would both just go away. Instead, Lacey changes the subject abruptly, asking him if he can see the two of them together. He replies honestly that he thinks she’s manipulative and that he has never done well in dating women who are manic depressive in the past.
Lacey jumps over his words, assuring him that she has always been a very happy person and then somehow, within mere seconds, twists the conversation into talking about how her mother died. And she still doesn’t manage to force a few tears out, but wins Bret over again and he decides to keep her with him over night, leaving Heather to order 3 desserts on her own. Lacey uses the time to try and convince Bret that she’s not just a manipulative psychopath, and he nervously agrees with her, assuring her that if he really thought those things were true she would be long gone. This seems to put her fears to rest, leaving her to camera talk that he sees the real her, before a shot comes on of her crawling across a rose petal covered bed towards him comes on, and I scream in protest and ponder scrubbing my eyes with bleach as well as my brain. My own retching causes me to miss anything Lacey says in regards to her night with Bret, but seeing her take the walk of shame in last nights dress down the hotel hall way is bad enough.
Back in LA, it’s time for the elimination ceremony. It comes down to Heather and Brandi, since they are the two he didn’t have sex with. When Bret starts talking about the pros and cons of each girl and mentions how Brandi told him she loved him, Heather can’t keep her mouth shut and interrupts him, reminding him what Brandi told her and Lacey the next morning. Brandi admits that her guard is up, and when Bret asks her to repeat herself, she does and adds that she can see him with Jes or Heather, but not her. Which seems to piss Bret off inordinately, causing him to raise his voice and tell her she could have told him that a long time ago. It reminds me of Adam Sandler in The Wedding Singer, but the girl he said something similar to left him on the alter. It’s far different when the girl you say something like that to is a stripper trying to win dates with you on a reality show on VH1. I’m just saying, maybe someone needs to reevaluate his situation.
Of course, he sends Brandi packing and adds that is anyone else wants to leave, "there’s the f***ing door." Such a charmer! Heather and Lacey immediately say they are here to stay and Bret demands that Jes answer too. I’m guessing he doesn’t handle rejection well, at all. Maybe crazy Lacey is right for him after all?