We’ve hit week 11 of what was originally going to be a 6 week show. Which just goes to show that even the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry. But immediately I notice something different about this episode of Rock of Love. Bret has new extensions in. Or he’s wearing Courtney Love’s old weave. Either way, there are no previouslys. He explains this is because the entire show will be made up of previouslys. Yes, it’s a clip show. At least he promises it will have tons of clips never seen before. I shudder to think.
We kick off with the first disturbing bit of footage, caught when Bret took a few of the girls for a "date" at a music studio to record vocals for some of his songs (which will never actually make it to his album if he’s smart). He decides he wants to capture a unique sound and that butt bongos are the only way to go. Yes, we are talking spanking. Bret bends over a stool and I realize I am seeing a side to him I never wanted to see. Then we see various clips of each of the girls spanking him and getting spanked in turn. Until he gets to Rodeo. Who grins and laughs that husky, maniacal laugh of hers and then farts. Spanking over!
Speaking of Rodeo, apparently she is building an impressive resume. She is working on an enterprise that would allow her to train celebs who are on the road. She’s apparently close to attaining this goal as she casually mentions that she has trained Beyonce’s cousin. She’s just like Jackie Warner from Bravo’s Work Out! Only no where near as successful! We see a series of clips of her bragging t the other girls about her many accomplishments, such as having been in commercials and designing her own clothing line (which includes daisy dukes! JOY!). Furthermore, she’s writing a book, is an accomplished painter, wants to have her own morning show, was an Olympic diver, did some police work, volunteers to feed tigers and goes to Africa on occasion. Let’s not forget she also farts on rock stars, and that makes her a hero.
Back at the house, the girls oiled up poster of Bret and added to his existing make up by coloring his lips in with actual lip liner and adding more eyeliner to his pre-existing raccoon eyes. Then they all rub and kiss the poster and none of it seems sanitary. The finale is Dallas declaring that she must masturbate in front of the poster and climbs into the nearest bed. Which happens to not be hers. "Wild Thing" Brandi kicks her right out again. We all like clean sheets.
Apropos of nothing, we are transported back to the very first day, where Brandi C. declares her eternal love for Bret … 2 hours after meeting him. Sadly, she tells this to one of the brunettes, who – though more than slightly drunk herself – still maintains some common sense and replies "you’re being weird." But this just seems to push Brandi C. further, and she more stridently declares her devotion by saying "I love him for the man he is, for the man he wants to be" to which the brunette deadpans "that’s from Jerry Maguire." Nothing says true love like pithy pop culture references! Really, who has time to think of endearments all their own?
Speaking of endearments, apparently there was more love in the house than we ever realized. Namely, Heather had quite a fondness for Brandi C. and she expressed this while Brandi was pouting about how her "boyfriend" was out with two other girls. Trying to comfort her, Heather basically said ‘I know you are upset right now, but can I please have a f***in’ kiss and grab your t***?’ Who says romance is dead?!
But woman cannot live on love alone, and either can reality television. We need stripping and food fights! And during some downtime, the girls delivered. Brandi Decides to pull Heather’s panties off, only to have her own butt revealed as Lacey yanks her own drawers downward. Brandi starts tossing around bottles of water, but soon enough all the girls are adding dry oatmeal, bananas, peanut butter and milk. Even Big John joins in, or rather falls in … to the jacuzzi. The girls jump in after him, screaming and laughing for the camera men and hoping to god some executive somewhere notices how they didn’t slip on the deck and decides to give them their own show. We all need dreams. Dreams of trashy spin offs, a feature tour of strip clubs and correctly spelled tattoos.
Apparently, you can’t have it all, though. Not even when you are the lead singer of Poison. We are transported back to when Heather got her lifetime of regret, Bret’s name tattooed on her neck. Back when Bret had his ratty extensions. She was not the only one to get some new ink that night. Bret had an old tattoo that needed some work. A tattoo that said "Something to beleeve in". Remember kids, make sure the tattoo artist is sober before you let them ink you! To his credit, the tattoo artist did a very good job fixing the decade old faux pas.
Speaking of things that need to be fixed, we haven’t seen much of Lacey and it’s time for some crazy clips. We watch Lacey pick up all the cigarette butts in the yard and put them in a baking tin on the floor of Jes’s room. Jes sees it and storms into Lacey and Heather’s room to ask if that is the best they can do. Lacey claims that the butts in the backyard are disrespectful and Jes brings up the oatmeal strewn across the living room and the champagne bottle at the bottom of the jacuzzi, but if we know anything about Lacey it is that she is impervious to reason.
She is also completely bat-sh*t insane. She proves this by taking her animal rights mission to maniacal levels. She strips down to her birthday suit and has Heather write on her body in black magic marker. She chooses slogans such as "I ‘d rather go naked than wear fur", though it looks like the word "wear" suffered a spelling mishap. The next part in Lacey’s plan apparently requires her to run up to where Jes, Mia and Brandi are all sitting, smoking and eating, thrust her naked crotch in their faces while waving her arms over her head and making noises like a turkey in the rain before running away. Too bad for Lacey that the other girls have a modicum of brain power and are not stunned into inaction by her display. Instead, Jes scream and covers her face (to avoid infection), Mia throws her drink and Brandi … sweet Brandi … throws chicken.
Lacey must have realized on some level that Brandi’s counter attack was much more television worthy, so she had to step up her attack. She manages to put away her distaste for animal cruelty long enough to get a few pounds of raw chicken, which she rips into pieces with her bare hands. I am not a member of PETA, a vegetarian or any other stripe of animal rights activist (well, beyond the typical Michael Vick is a bad bad man type), yet even I would not pull apart raw chicken with my bare hands. There are knives and kitchen scissors for a reason. That’s just gross. Even worse is what she does with it – which is shove the bits of raw meat into the other girls pillow cases, bed sheets and purses.
And as abruptly as it all began, it’s over. The 30 minute time frame is chalked up to the fact that Bret, Jes and Heather have to get on the road to Mexico so he can pick which one is his truest heart’s desire. I’m all twitterpated just thinking about it. And by "twitterpated," I mean nauseated.