It’s been a long and hard road for the Rock of Love fans, but we are near the end. In fact, there’s only 3 girls left. Although, I think perhaps two of them should have been hospitalized for blood alcohol poisoning after the Vegas trip we witnessed last week. Lacey and Brandi both staggered, slurred, face planted and vomited their way through the evening and woke up to vicious hangovers. Heather slurped, sucked and ate as if she hadn’t seen food the whole time she’d been in the house and had to make up for lost time. Jes sat back, watched and looked golden in comparison to the other 3 train wrecks and so won the overnight date with Bret. Perhaps "won" isn’t the right word. In the end, Brandi was kicked out because she dared to have second thoughts about whether or not she was capable of handling Bret’s lifestyle. Because if there is one this we don’t want on Rock of Love, it’s careful consideration of our actions.
Back at the house, Lacey and Heather both camera talk that their alliance is over. For Heather, this is because Brandi told her about Lacey throwing her under the bus. For Lacey, it is because they are down to the final three and it’s every woman for herself. And because she’s pure evil. Bret is blissfully unaware of their newfound rivalry, which will undoubtedly bite him in the ass. Which could get especially messy given that Bret tells us he’s decided the best way to know the girls is to meet their families, so he’s bringing in their parents. This should be a treat!
Heather’s parents arrive first, and she lets us know she’s only seen them in the same room twice before, that her father came in from Florida and her mother came in from Ohio. Heather’s parents seem exactly like her. Well, sans stripping. Bret immediately starts talking to her dad about football and they honestly seem to hit it off right away. Jes’s parents arrive next and she hugs them both and starts crying. Her parents seem very normal, much like Jes herself, though they lack her fashion sense. While she looks punk chic, her dad looks like a computer programmer circa 1984. Bret tells us that her parents are the best surprise he’s gotten because they are great, but I am pretty horrified when Jes’s dad tells Bret about her "baby boobie fund" and compares her breasts to her moms, saying "What went wrong?"
Lacey’s parents show up and Bret realizes that he had met her dad several years ago on a plane from Dallas to Orlando, which means he has an astounding memory. At the time, they apparently had a long conversation and her dad busted out the family photos and when Bret saw Lacey he asked if he could date her. Her dad had apparently replied that she was too young for him and it doesn’t seem like his opinion has changed since then.
Bret lets them know he will be spending time with each family separately and will start with Heather and her parents. They pile into a limo and head off to a restaurant called the Saddle Ranch, which features beer bongs, food in baskets and a mechanical bull. Heather’s dad starts drinking and eventually turns the conversation to farting on planes and blaming a baby’s dirty diapers, which makes me wonder if he isn’t actually Brandi’s father. Bret laughs uproariously and says that he hasn’t ever laughed that hard. Heather jumps all over this statement and starts telling him that her whole family is hysterically funny. Which must be true, because we are treated to her jumping on the bull a few moments later. In a delightful confessional she tells us that her "tatters (were) flip flopping everywhere," which may be the funniest thing I’ve heard in a long while.
But all good things must come to an end, and with lunch over and the beer bong empty, Bret sends her family back to the house while he goes on to meet Jes and her parents at a clothing store called Rock and Roll Religion, where he proceeds to give her parents a heavy metal meets country western makeover, complete with bandanna headbands and cowboy hats. Her parents are great sports and seem to actually enjoy themselves, even if they do end up leaving looking like they are ready for a costume party.
The best train wreck saved for last, Bret jets off to meet up with Lacey and her parents at a restaurant called Eat, which is probably the stupidest restaurant name ever. Lacey’s dad immediately starts grilling Bret, asking him "Other than fame and fortune, what do you have to offer a woman?" before devolving into an utterly bizarre barrage of questions. Here’s a sampling: Are you from Oklahoma? Do you play golf? Do you plan on calling me dad? Do you want to get married again? From there he launches into telling Bret that he himself is a very wealthy man with great cars and great clothes and therefore before Bret can marry Lacey they will need to get a prenup. Is someone putting the cart before the horse? Bret manages to get in a question of his own, asking if anyone else thinks there might be hot sauce on the french fries because his tongue is burning. Lacey’s dad tells him it’s probably from all the lies he’s telling. So, we know where Lacey’s crazy comes from! Continuing with his brand of nuts, he tells Bret that Lacey is a presidential scholar who doesn’t do drugs, smoke or drink. Oh, the bliss of ignorance! He says she is probably the only woman in the world with her own money and Bret camera talks his confusion, telling us that the only thing Lacey has ever told him is that she is a starving musician that barely gets by. Lacey’s dad completes his tirade by telling Bret that his daughter has never disappointed him, so we all know he’s in for a hell of a shock when he actually watches this show.
They all get back to the house and Lacey takes her parents up to her room, where Heather is drunk and topless. Heather confessionals that "her dad was staring at my tatters" and I can’t help but wonder why she calls her breasts "tatters", which I equate with raggedy, but before I get to far into the thought process I start to feel ill, so I put it out of my mind. Lacey tells her dad and his wife that Heather is cool but she’s also a stripper, as if the two are somehow mutually exclusive. She continues that she doesn’t think Bret needs to be with a stripper, because he would be at home with his kids while Heather is out grinding up on strange men. That seems like a likely scenario. In bizarro world, perhaps. Lacey shows her parents the stripper pole in the main room and asks Heather to show them some of her moves, which is utterly classless. Heather surprises me by not even responding, merely walking away.
That evening all the families get together for one big dinner and all of them feel the tension that has been building between Heather and Lacey. Bret walks in and Lacy’s dad starts interviewing the other girls, asking them for their personal bios. We learn Heather has two degrees, an associate of arts and a bachelor of arts in communication. Lacey’s dad condescends that he can get her a job with Time Warner because they are clients of his before bragging about how Lacey plays the stock market, has a music video and website. Lacey tells him to stop talking about her and Heather asks Lacey if she told her parents about the 40 bottles she emptied in Vegas. Lacey admits she will probably get a hefty bill from the casino but tries to claim she only drinks beer usually. Heather continues to poke at Lacey, saying she’s drank often and a lot more than beer, and then bringing up a time when she was so drunk she ran through the house naked. Lacey claims she was sober when she did that, which really doesn’t make it sound any better. Bret tries to change the topic by talking about the lunch he enjoyed with Heather’s parents, but Lacey’s dad ruins that by snootily asking who eats in a restaurant that features a mechanical bull and asks Bret if he can’t be more hip. Bret, having had enough, bids everyone good night and privately declares the dinner a disaster.
The next morning Bret tries to beat back the bad memories of dinner with a workout but is soon interrupted by Lacey. He tells her that while he understands that her dad is a self made man, bringing up the idea of a prenup was like implying that Bret was some kind of leech after Lacey’s money. Obviously uncomfortable, Lacey mumbles she will talk to her dad about that and then changes topic to target Heather. She says that one of the things she has noticed is that while Heather gets along well with her parents, she doesn’t seem to have a lot of respect for them because she knows her parents are hurt by her stripping but she totally disregards their feelings and keeps dancing. Unbeknownst to Lacey, Jes and Heather are listening in and a moment later Heather comes rushing in and yelling at Lacey, calling her a master manipulator, a telling her that her family has no idea what kind of person she really is. Which may be one of the most truthful things we’ve ever seen on this show.
Heather predicts that when Lacey’s family sees exactly who she is they will be embarrassed. Thanks for pointing out the obvious, Kettle! Heather storms off and Lacey claims she is glad that Bret saw Heather like that, because it was scary. Well, we know Lacey is an expert when it comes to being scary. Bret tries to regain his calm and tells Lacey to go talk to Heather. Lacey agrees and goes to find her, but Heather wants nothing to do with her at this point. Instead of making any attempt at civility, Heather yells out "Why don’t you tell your dad how many times you" and all we hear is a series of bleeps and Jes mumbling "oh boy!" as she runs for cover. Heather retreats to kitchen, where the parents are all hanging out and explodes in more expletives.
Lacey tells her parents that Heather reacted that way because she saw her hug Bret, a total lie. Her dad tells her that he knows her and no one else is going to tell him about who she is. Lacey smiles and then goes back to try and provoke, I mean talk to Heather. But the bridge is burning and Heather won’t let her get a word in edgewise, again telling Lacey’s parents that they have no idea who she is. She accuses Lacey of riding on her coat tails, telling her she would be gone if it were not her. Lacey tries to tell Heather that she was only telling Bret how much she obviously loves her parents, but Heather will hear none of it. In the ugliest moment we’ve seen yet, Heather turns to Lacey’s dad and tells him she saw Lacey *bleep* Bret’s *bleep* and that his daughter is a slut. He tells her that she is trashy and he yells back that she hasn’t done anything sexual with Bret, but that Lacey has been with him nearly every single night. Well, that was something we sure didn’t see. Thank you VH1!
Proving that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, Lacey’s dad seeks out Bret. He starts out saying that he thinks he might need to be concerned about whose *bleep* she’s been *bleeping*, which leaves Bret stunned and stammering. Her dad continues that he doesn’t need to hear about his daughter’s sex life, that he never had anyone talk to him the way Heather just did and she’s out of line. Lacey tells Bret that Heather was screaming at them that she was a slut and a *bleeping*bleep* and she can’t put her parents through that kind of abuse. She tries again to cry,but can’t because she’s evil. Bret wonders where the hell Big John is.
As the girls get ready for the elimination, Jes giggles that she doesn’t think she has anything to worry about and it is pretty obvious that she is going to win this simply by default. She cracks a goofy grin though, and tells us that if she is eliminated tonight she plans on blaming her parents for it. The elimination ceremony begins and the girls are told to say god bye to their parents. Lacey turns and tells her parents that she is sure she will be staying and will call them later to share the good news. Psychotic goes to the bone! Bret confessionals that he has learned "who is who they is and who ain’t who they ain’t", which makes no real sense yet still manages to convey that Lunatic Lacey is headed for home. Impressive.
Jes gets the first pass and then Bret calls Lacey to stand in front of him. He tells her that there is a side to her that he loves and a side to her that he doesn’t get, and that sometime down the line, the side that he doesn’t understand would ruin their relationship. He confessionals that physically he had a great connection to Lacey (apparently!) but her clear deception was more than he wanted to deal with. Outside the house, Lacey has her crazy eyes on and tells us that she hopes he also eliminates Jes and Heather and remains single. As she stares down the barrel of the camera, she tells us she cannot feel any emotions because she is shock. I think it is far more likely that she doesn’t feel emotions because she has an antisocial personality disorder and lacks anything resembling a conscience. But that’s just me.