Beautiful long blond hair. Pouty lips. Piercing eyes. If someone as amazing as Bret Michaels can’t find love after two seasons on VH1’s Rock of Love, airing Sundays, then what hope do the rest of us have? Zero, people. Zero. Then again, if you were Bret Michaels, why on earth would you want love when you are getting all that milk for free? Oh well, grab conditioner and some groupies — it’s time to party like a rock star!

Setting the scene:
To make an ’80s rocker feel at home, you need to decorate with two themes in mind: Animal prints are awesome, and stripper poles aren’t just for clubs. Get zebra-print area rugs and leopard-print curtains and then illuminate them with red lights. Hang a few posters of Bret’s glory days along with hanging red hearts (leftover boxes of chocolates from Valentine’s Day would work) — hey, the theme is love, kinda. You’ll also need a “Peepshow Room” for confessionals and, um, commercial breaks. Print out three VIP passes for entry into the Peepshow Room and hand them out at various intervals. Gift bags include Aqua Net and G-strings.

Trucker hats, G-strings, hair extensions, strategically located silicone, acrylic shoes, torn denim, tattoos, bandannas, blond hair, excessive jewelry (including piercings), bikinis and cutoff tank tops. And that’s just the guys!

On the menu:
Pigs in a blanket (because that’s what we think Bret is really looking for), strawberries and whipped cream, long-neck beer and wedding cake shots.

On the hi-fi:
We’d love to recommend Bret’s latest offerings, but we’ve heard them. So stick with the stuff that made him famous — play The Best of Poison: 20 Years of Rock, even though it was really like three years of rock and 17 more of recovery.

The showstopper:
Bret on the small screen may not be satisfying enough, so bring the Rock of Love party to the man himself. Catch his current Rockers, Racks and Rejects tour this month in Nashville, Tenn., Milwaukee, Chicago, Sault Ste. Marie, Mich., or Houston. If that doesn’t work, try the Betty Ford Center. You’ll probably meet Lindsay Lohan — and she’s always looking for love.

Posted by:Michael Korb