smallville escape tom welling 'Smallville': Quite the awkward, yet magical mystery weekendSmallville” does its best to summon a wicked lady demon from the bubbling underworld to destroy a planned romantic getaway, yet comes away with the worst homage to the musical Cats that I’ve ever seen.

Clark and Chloe hurriedly stop every major act crime in Metropolis so they can high-tail it to their respective romantic weekends. What they don’t realize is they both booked the same out-of-the-way bed and breakfast for the same weekend. Lois and Clark very nearly don’t get their booked room (what with Chloe and Oliver getting there first), but Clark saves the day by fixing a leaky pipe. Hooray! Time for the sweet love down by the fire, right?

WRONG! See, Lois inadvertently unleashed an evil spirit from a stock Renaissance portrait (a female spirit that, by the way, is out to kill all males), which latches onto the B&B’s other guests, leading the girl to horribly kill the guy. If you think that’s bad, try the next day when all four do brunch and swap God-awful relationship advice… it’s so bad, Oliver is acting on Clark’s suggestion he buy Chloe a gift even though their relationship “doesn’t go down that road.”

Speaking of going down the wrong road, Chloe stumbles (literally) onto the dead guy and gets the demon spirit transferred to her… which leads her to lose all her inhibitions and strip in front of a showering Clark. That’s not even the really uncomfortable part… Lois then walks in, wearing quite the kinky Scottish number. Mood sufficiently killed by naked Chloe, Lois storms out, but not before acquiring the demon herself. This leads to her luring Oliver into the woods and attempting to rip him limb from limb. Clark rushes to save Ollie while Chloe gets the back story on the spirit. Turns out Siobhan was a lovely Gaelic gal who was banished, yet allowed superhuman powers to destroy all males should she ever return. If you think that’s bad, Lois transforms into Grizabella from Cats. The solution, as it turns out, is burning the portrait under the portrait, thus destroying the Silver Banshee.

Meanwhile on the other side of town, Zod whooshes from place to place, sulking that he may never win the “war,” so he calls on Tess at (of all places) the Kent Barn. They both want a better world, yet neither works well with others… Zod choking Tess, Tess weakening Zod with hidden Kryptonite. Instead, they end up making sweet love down by the haystack, eventually ending up at Castle Luthor.

In the end, Chloe and Oliver resume their, uh, whatever by playing by their own rules while Lois and Clark nearly get frisky… if only Zod hadn’t called Lois for information on Tess. You’re missing out there, Miss Lane, especially since Clark is now master of his domain!

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Posted by:Brandon Millman