Supernatural_Abandon_All_Hope.jpgIn tonight’s “Supernatural,” we begin under a freeway overpass, where Crowley the British demon utterly disappoints a portly banker (he was expecting something prettier and female) looking for a bailout. Really, dude, you asked a demon? Just call the government. It has an ATM for this sort of thing.

There’s a kiss, but not one that anyone’s been wanting to see — except for Castiel (a k a Huggy Bear), who’s lurking in the distance, calling in to the Winchester boys. Unfortunately, Crowley heads into a place with super magical angel-defeating graffiti, so Castiel has to cool his heels until the Impala fords a puddle and arrives on the scene.

In his palatial mansion, Crowley is watching Hitler-type movies and listening to soul music. Jo appears at his gate, armed with a sob story, a little black dress and the Winchesters. So much for security. Shoulda got a dog.

In the hall, Crowley finds the boys and a magic carpet, then whips out the Colt and takes out his own guys.

“We need to talk, privately.”

Hmmm, looks like Crowley’s got a jones for icing Lucifer, and he’s willing to hand over the Colt if the guys will do the deed. Apparently, he’s tired of being a fallen angel’s bitch, and he wants the war over, so he can get back to making big sales commissions.

Crowley points the boys to Carthage, Mo., and gives up the Colt. This generosity doesn’t stop Sam from trying it on him, but Crowley wasn’t stupid enough to put in extra bullets.

On to Hunter HQ, where Ellen is doing that drinking game from “Raiders of the Lost Ark” with Castiel, whose capacity for hard liquor may even exceed Karen Allen’s. Meanwhile, the boys are debating their turn of fate over beers. Looks like Carthage is a hotbed of revelation omens and missing people. Dean’s sure Lucifer is there, but he worries about the danger of bringing Sam into the same Zip Code.

Dean heads to Jo and tries the “I don’t want to die a virgin” speech, which even though he’s not one, works like a charm … not. Bobby’s also there and decides to take a group shot — because that was such a great omen in “The Untouchables.”

The team rolls into Carthage, which seems to be a cell dead zone (sure sign of the Devil if I ever heard of one) and deserted to boot. But Castiel uses his magic angel vision to see that the town is full of Reapers, so he goes after the 411. But he winds up instead with the Big Bad himself, who has him trapped in a ring of holy fire.

Lucifer thinks Castiel’s peculiar, but a guy in a rotting meat suit shouldn’t throw stones. Lucifer tries to recruit Castiel to the cause of cast-out angels, but no dice. Meanwhile in the street, the rest of the team marches around in broad daylight with shotguns, just in time to meet demon Meg, who’s brought invisible friends with nasty growls.

Dean takes a potshot at a brimstone bowser, and then everybody’s on the run, until Jo fights back and gets mauled. The gang bursts into a hardware store, which luckily has big chains and bags of salt for the door. Jo pretty much looks like a goner.

Getting a radio to work, Dean calls Bobby for help and gives him the lowdown. Ellen pitches in with an estimate of a dozen or more Reapers in town. Bobby thinks it’s all part of Lucifer’s ritual to unleash the Pale Rider, the Angel of Death, which means the Reapers are just waiting for the meeting to begin.

Bobby reveals that the AoD must come into the world at midnight in a place of carnage, which it turns out Carthage was back during the Civil War.

Meanwhile in Lucifer’s lair, Meg wants to go in full-bore, but her papa’s more patient and still hopes to win over Castiel.

In the hardware store, plans are underway to head to a farm that was the scene of a big battle, but Jo informs everyone that she’s on the way out but can still be useful. The store has propane and rock salt and nails, all a growing boy needs to build one big bomb, big enough to blow hellhounds to, well, hell, provided Jo stays behind with her finger on the trigger.

Mom gives the go, and let the bomb-making montage begin. Dean and Jo have a moment; Ellen and Jo have a moment, in which Ellen volunteers to sacrifice herself to help the boys get away.

Uh-oh, Cujo’s at the door, and he’s got more than kibble in mind. Thank goodness Ellen stayed behind, because Jo couldn’t wait for the bomb.

Hellhounds in the house … boys out the back … BOOM!

The boys are down on the farm, and Lucifer’s all dewy-eyed to get into Sam’s pants — until Dean blows his brains out, that is. Oops, that didn’t take, did it? The Devil rises again, a little the worse for wear, but hoppin’ mad and very much not dead.

Apparently, Lucifer is one of the five things the Colt can’t kill — Do we know the other four? Anyone? — and he’s all about a rendezvous with Sam in Detroit in six months, when the two will become one.

There is a bunch of yokels around, only as many men as there are demons (the women and children were just collateral damage). Lucifer decides to play the brother-issues card, complaining that the Archangel Michael wouldn’t help him storm heaven — all because he had a mind of his own.

Yawn. You want some cheese with that whine, Lucy-boy?

Great, now he’s chanting. It sounds like the end of “Ghostbusters.” Oh, now, everybody else is dying too, leaving only Lucifer and Sam standing and proving Crowley right in believing that Lucifer will off demons as soon as look at them.

Back in the ring of holy fire, Meg’s teasing Clarence — er, Castiel — who’s in Crowley’s camp, but Meg believes in the One and won’t hear a word agin’ him. Oops, she came too close, but Castiel’s mojo won’t work on her, but setting her on fire works just fine.

Meanwhile, back at the farm, Lucifer is saying a fond hello to Big Bad Death.

Suddenly, we’re back at Bobby’s, what’s left of the gang’s all here, and that ill-fated photo goes on the fire.

And that’s all she wrote until Jan. 21.

Whaddya think, kids? Two hunters down, one in a wheelchair, two able bodies left, but will they keep those bodies for very long? Frankly, I’m pretty underwhelmed by Lucifer, so hoping that Michael will be played by someone really interesting — like Michael Shanks from “Stargate SG-1.”

No, that’s not a spoiler. But he IS Canadian. Just sayin’.

Posted by:Kate O'Hare