colton survivor one world 'Survivor: One World': Colton is an out of control monsterUPDATE: If you’d like to read our exit Q&A with Bill, which is a great interview, it is here.

On “Survivor: One World,” some of the craziest stuff goes down we have ever seen since this show started.

One World Beach

The women have caught snails and fry them up, that’s a pretty good idea. The men want to use their fishing net and share the profits, but the women say no. Troyzan thinks it’s because they’re so emotional – periods, amirite? Take my “Survivor” opponents. Please. [ba dump ching]

Reward Challenge

The tribes are playing slingshot-coconut-bingo. They can either choose pillows, blankets and a mattress; a tarp; or donuts and coffee. The challenge starts and the women make fairly quick work out of it – the men keep launching over the top of the target. The sore loser men call it luck that the women beat them three challenges in a row. The women take the tarp as their reward.

Then back at the hut, the men are talking about how they didn’t have enough time to learn the game, and the women only won a tarp and blah blah. Bill is the only smart one who realizes these women are not to be taken lightly.

Leif then lets slip to Bill that Colton wanted him out last time and Bill is not terribly excited to hear that. So Michael tells Colton this so that Colton will confront Leif and keep the heat off himself (Michael). Leif fiddles around, but then admits he told Bill and Colton says he dug his own grave. In a talking-head, Colton calls Leif an annoying little Oompa Loompa, which is crappy – Colton would really be unhappy, we bet, if someone referred to him as a derogatory term for a gay man. So maybe he can speak about Leif without that kind of talk?

Immunity Challenge

Pairs of tribemates are racing across teeter-totters, solving puzzles, retrieving keys and opening locks to raise a flag. First flag up wins. The women initially fall behind because Chelsea and Alicia struggle with the easiest puzzle. The guys get ahead by two puzzles before the women even solve the first one.

The women start to look at the guys’ puzzle next door, which – duh. That’s not cheating, that’s working smarter, not harder. They finally get it, but the women can’t catch up, so the men win the challenge. Probst has to rub it in, saying that was barely a challenge.

Pre Tribal

Everybody thought Christina was the shoo-in to go, but after Alicia biffed the puzzle and then laughed about it, nobody’s sure who is going home. Meanwhile, over at the men’s camp, Colton is totally being a punk to Bill, who is just trying to talk to him. Colton is a ridiculous, tantrum-throwing baby who needs to be smacked. Seriously, what the eff is his deal?

Bill calls him a stuck-up brat, which is dead-on. Colton needs to get his ego checked. AND THEN – he’s such a brat that he goes to his alliance and says they should offer the girls a trade. They’ll go to Tribal, get Bill out, and that’ll be it. Um, what?

Jonas actually says, “I don’t like that idea, but at this point, Colton’s calling the shots.” Um, he’s only one man! He’s only calling the shots if you LET HIM.

But then! The men get together and they say what Leif did (by telling Bill he had been on the block) was an “egregious betrayal.” Oh, and Tarzan does it in the most condescending way ever. He then declares they will vote Leif out at Tribal, but Colton wants Bill out. It’s a giant mess – it’s completely insane.

The women, understandably, cannot believe the men are even considering this.

And then – the men just show up at Tribal. We never actually see them vote to go. Wouldn’t they have to have a 100% agreement? There’s no way the show would let a majority just decide to go to Tribal. That would be so unfair to those who believe they are in danger and don’t want to go to Tribal, like Leif and Bill.

Tribal Council

Probst puts on his best surprise face, though there is NO WAY he didn’t know in advance they were coming. The guys immediately bring Leif to task for his “betrayal” and Leif reveals that he did agree to come to Tribal in order to show that he is still loyal. Wonder if that will work? Also, that explains Leif’s thinking, but why in God’s name would Bill agree to go to Tribal Council?

Jay also says he said yes because he doesn’t want a target on his own back, even though he thought it was stupid to go to Tribal when they didn’t have to. Probst is marveling at how this move might go down as the dumbest thing ever in “Survivor” history and –  yeah. Seriously, this is insane.

Then Colton gets his sassy little tantrum on about how Bill is obnoxious and loud, and a struggling stand-up comic, get a real job. He’s such a little witch with a b. Seriously, he is. He needs to be punched. Bill talks about how he’s poor and trying to make it as a comic and he gets teary-eyed.

Colton then gets all “Upstairs, Downstairs” on us by revealing that the African-American person in his life is his housekeeper, who is like a member of his family. OH. MY. GOD.

Bill stands up for himself and Colton just snots, “Whatever, Bill.” Colton then keeps burying himself by talking about how he hangs around people who are open and accepting of his being gay. He does not see the giant sign over his head flashing “IRONY.”

Tarzan (is that Tarzan? WTF knows?) then snaps and not only does he say Colton has “been painted” as a rich kid who’s never worked a day in his life (um, because that’s how he comes across and also because he’s a spoiled brat who has no social skills and needs to turn his immature sass down to about a 3), but then Tarzan goes on a rant about race and judging people based on merit. This Tribal has gone completely off the rails, I don’t even know, y’all.

The Vote

I cannot believe Colton has an Idol. That is so unfair. In his snotty vote speech, he tells Bill to take his “broke ass home.” So, he seriously just has a problem with Bill because he’s a struggling comic? Really? It’s not because he’s charismatic and good-looking and funny? Could it be because he steals your spotlight as center of attention?

The votes go Leif, Bill, Bill and … do we even need to read the rest?

I just … I have no words, you guys. But I cannot wait to interview Bill tomorrrow. (ETA: The interview is up and it is a good one)

Next week: A twist brings Colton down? Fingers crossed!

Posted by:Andrea Reiher

TV critic by way of law school, Andrea Reiher enjoys everything from highbrow drama to clever comedy to the best reality TV has to offer. Her TV heroes include CJ Cregg, Spencer Hastings, Diane Lockhart, Juliet O'Hara and Buffy Summers. TV words to live by: "I'm a slayer, ask me how."