Well, Survivor is back and it’s the same as ever. We’re doing that stupid “Redemption Island” thing again since it was such a success last year, which means bringing back two more former players. Shockingly, Li’l Russell is not one of them. That doesn’t mean the producers still haven’t found a way to shoehorn his name into every other scene, however: they brilliantly cast his nephew Brandon, who actually has a tattoo that says “Little Hantz” on his person, thereby making him Little Li’l Russell. Also, he loves Jesus. Speaking of Jesus, our two returning players are the similarly-maned Ozzy (who apparently hasn’t cut his hair since the last time he was on this show) and, yes, Coach (I’m still not sure if he’s going to be Douche this season or not), both playing for their third time. Ozzy is sent to the Savaii tribe, where he quickly wins his tribemates over with his Ozzy-ness and ability to win the first reward challenge against Coach, whose new tribe, Upolu, didn’t really like him very much even before he lost out on the taro and flint reward. But that ends up being okay after Coach’s main hater, Christine, alienates herself by going off to look for the immunity idol so obviously that even Coach knows what she’s up to and doesn’t hesitate to tell the others about it.
Coach is still worried that he’ll be the first to be voted out, but it ends up being a moot point after his tribe wins the immunity challenge, thanks, in part, to Ozzy’s crush Semhar, who volunteers to be part of the crucial coconut-tossing team and promptly decides she’s too tired to throw any coconuts, causing her tribe to lose. This also takes the failure spotlight off of Dawn, who spent the first three days wandering around camp crying about how old she feels and how she misses being able to drink water all the time. You’d think she would try not to cry so as not to waste the little water she did have, but no. So instead of Dawn being the obvious choice to send home, it’s between Semhar and John, a Harvard Law student who has watched every minute of every episode of Survivor and still somehow has no idea how to play any aspect of it. It is truly amazing how clueless about everything. In the end, though, his tribe decides to keep him in the game in the hopes that he might get better at something and vote out Semhar, figuring she can only get worse.