coach survivor praying 'Survivor: South Pacific': God is like, 'Don't drag me into this'“Survivor: South Pacific” goes completely off the rails tonight. I don’t even know, y’all. Strap in, this is a long recap.

Te Tuna

The final five are quite congratulatory and Coach is going on about “honor and integrity,” then Brandon rounds up a group prayer. But then – it’s game on. Albert is targeting Sophie in a big way.

In the morning, Albert lays out Sophie’s resume and says how dangerous she is as a person to be sitting with at the end. I totally get him. If I were Albert, I’d want to be sitting with Brandon and Rick. Brandon’s insane and Rick hasn’t done anything, that’s money in the bank and Albert knows it.

Redemption Island

It’s Ozzy vs. Edna, which would seem like a very uneven match-up, but it’s two puzzles split up by a hatchet chop. So Edna has a chance. Ozzy gets his hatchet out of the slide puzzle first and Edna seems way behind, but she gets her hatchet out eventually and gets to work on the second puzzle. She also has all the Upolus giving her pointers, which Jeff acts like is a huge advantage. I’m not so sure. That would distract me.

Edna almost has it, but then Ozzy pulls it out. Man, that was tense, right?! Heh. As she leaves, Rick says, “Ed, you’re an amazing woman.” Aww.

Back at camp, Albert is working on Brandon to get out Sophie, while Sophie works on Coach to get out Brandon. Sophie thinks the loyal, Godly Brandon is not the person to sit next to in the finals, but I disagree. Brandon is a lunatic and he will not get any votes. He’s exactly who’d I want to take.

Albert goes to Coach to make his case about Sophie over Brandon and strategically, I totally agree with Albert. I just hope no one listens to him because I like Sophie. Brandon tries to insert himself into Coach and Albert’s conversation and Coach kind of flies off the handle. As Cochran said in his exit interview, the word “bully” is really charged right now and in this instance, Brandon isn’t bullying anybody. He’s maybe being annoying, but Coach is so ridiculous and extreme all the time.

Brandon calls Coach on his kind of blowing up, then Coach apologizes, then Brandon demands a hug and it’s a whole big weird co-dependent thing. Then Coach privately talks about how the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree and some such nonsense. Look, I don’t like Brandon, but Coach needs to rein it in a bit.

Immunity Challenge

They have to climb a huge wall for bags of puzzle pieces. The puzzle pieces will pair up. The three non-pairing pieces are a code to open a box. The first person to open their box wins. They also win pizza and pop for back at camp. Mmm.

Brandon and Rick get a small lead in the untying of the bags portion, but Coach catches up. Sophie and Albert fall a bit behind, but eventually everybody is working on the puzzle. So – how do they know the order of the box code? Do they have to try multiple combinations? Hmm.

Brandon and Coach are close at the end, they just take their three numbers to the top to their boxes to try different combos. Got it. Then Brandon wins Immunity. Wow. He chooses Rick to share his pizza party. Huh.

Pre Tribal

The pizza man shows up on a jet ski. I wish Jeff still “arrived” at the live reunion show that way. Anyway. Sophie is worried, but thinks Albert should go home. She goes to the pizza party to “smell” the pizza and uses that chance to tell Rick and Brandon to vote Albert. Rick seems on board, while Brandon seems to be coming around because Rick reveals Albert said to him that the two of them were finals, while Brandon thought it was only Albert/Brandon/Coach to the finals.

They then confront Albert and Rick finally shows a spark of life by telling Albert not to lie and getting very heated. Albert is toast, y’all. His wheelin’ and dealin’ is not flying with Brandon and Rick. Heh. Sophie can barely contain her excitement.

But then, of course, Brandon in all his manicness is brought back in by Albert. Brandon is a darn goldfish – whoever talks to him last will get his vote. And THEN Brandon says he might give Albert his Immunity necklace! Oh. My. God.

The next conversation is Brandon talking about God speaking to him and telling Coach to keep Albert, saying he’ll give his necklace to Albert if he has to. He also tells Coach that he knows he won’t vote against him (Brandon). Coach is perhaps swayed by the talk of “forgiveness” on Brandon’s part. I repeat: Oh. My. God. This is gross.

This is insanity. Who are these people that they think God gives a fig about “Survivor”?!?

Tribal Council

Before Jeff can even ask any questions, Brandon says he wants to give Immunity up to Albert. Holy tapdancing savior, what is happening right now? Brandon deserves to go home just for being a lunatic, but again – how do you vote this guy out? I want to see him go because I really don’t like him, but if I were in the game, how could I NOT take Brandon to the finals? Whose vote will he even have?

Then Albert starts talking about a higher force and his bond with Brandon. Sophie rolls her eyes at the exact same time I do. Gag me. Jeff puts Sophie on the spot, but she manages to give a good answer without offending the God folk.

Jeff masterfully stirs up some trouble by putting Albert on the spot with this whole God-bond thing by asking if he’d give up Immunity if Brandon were in trouble. Albert, of course, has to say yes, but then says he doesn’t think Brandon’s in trouble.

But Rick takes his cue from Jeff and lays it out how Brandon might be in trouble and how he is also curious if Albert would give Immunity back to Brandon if he thought Brandon was in danger. Albert does not look happy and manages to give a mealy-mouthed answer so he can keep the necklace.

The Vote

Brandon and Albert vote Sophie, while Rick votes Brandon, going, “Dumb move” and Sophie votes Brandon. So it all comes down to what Coach does. I bet he wusses out and votes Sophie out. So the votes are tied 2-2 and the person eliminated is … Brandon! Oh my god. I start cackling right out loud in my living room. I scared the cats with my cackling.

Oh, that is too funny. I think it’s dumb, from a strategic stand-point, but hilarious from a viewer stand-point.

And you know what? If Brandon comes back, Coach can just shove it off on God telling him that Brandon was going to beat Ozzy at Redemption! Gag me.

Next week: It’s actually Sunday and it’s the three-hour finale extravaganza. Yee haw.

Posted by:Andrea Reiher

TV critic by way of law school, Andrea Reiher enjoys everything from highbrow drama to clever comedy to the best reality TV has to offer. Her TV heroes include CJ Cregg, Spencer Hastings, Diane Lockhart, Juliet O'Hara and Buffy Summers. TV words to live by: "I'm a slayer, ask me how."