dawn whitney jim survivor 'Survivor: South Pacific': Two Tribal Councils!
It’s a hurry-up night on “Survivor: South Pacific,” as we go through two whole rounds in one episode.

Post Tribal

Needless to say, the old Savaii are not happy with Cochran. People were commenting last week that he went from being sixth man on one tribe to seventh man on another, but I disagree. First of all, why wouldn’t you want to side with people who are being nice to you and treating you decently, as opposed to people who have treated you like crap for two weeks? Secondly, he makes a fair point that he didn’t want it to come down to rocks. Drawing rocks sucks. I wouldn’t want to take that chance either when I can guarantee somebody else goes home by switching.

After Tribal, Ozzy the pouty baby is all, “You totally screwed me over.” Hey, guess what, Ozzy? It’s not all about you. Cochran is not there it help YOU win a million dollars. Get over it, dude.

Hantz is there as Cochran’s knight in shining armor, worried that Ozzy is going to be aggressive with him. Well, while Hantz is always melodramatic – about everything – I don’t think he’s totally without a point.

Ozzy then talking-heads that “self-preservation” is the easy way out and calls him a “weiner.” Oh. My. God. Jim then snots that he’s a “poor excuse for a man.”  Wow, really? REALLY? I think whiny b-words that I can’t write on here are poor excuses for men, thankyouverymuch. But let’s not forget Whitney, who piles on too.

It always floors me that people get played and then act like the person who played them is A) a bad person and B) it’s a personal affront. These people are ridiculous. You know what, Whitney? You disgust ME.

The Challenge

The challenge consists of coconut tossing, four move on. Those four crack coconuts, drink the water inside and then go through a course with it and spit it into a tube. First person to fill their tube wins. Wow, that latter part sounds yucky.

Dawn advances first (she’s such a warrior), then Whitney, Jim and Sophie. Way to go, ladies! Ozzy is not overly pleased, if him mouthing the f-word is any indication.

Sophie and Jim are neck-and-neck. C’mon, Sophie! Let’s see a girl win! It’s down to the last mouthful and Sophie starts to gag and spits out her water. Oh noes. That is too bad. So Jim pulls it out, celebrating like a giant poophead as he races toward the thing to spit his last mouthful.

Pre Tribal

The Upolus plus Cochran are pretty confident it’s going to be Ozzy. I really don’t think there’s much suspense at this point. Ozzy’s a great competitor, so if he doesn’t win Immunity, you have to take that opportunity to boot him.

Coach wants to see Ozzy stay because of his humility, which is kind of a load of crap. He then erroneously quotes Marcus Aurelius. From what I gather, that quote about inspiration and desperation is by Comer Cotrell.

Anyway, Jim, Whitney and Ozzy take time to bash Cochran some more and then Jim says he’s going to give Ozzy the Immunity  necklace. Um, really? Don’t be stupid, dude. You don’t all win the money. Ozzy then gazes at a rainbow.

Tribal Council

Probst wants to know about the backlash against Cochran. Jim actually admits to being immature about his reaction, which is big of him. Cochran makes a great speech about taking the game into your own hands.

Hantz pipes up that Upolu stands behind Cochran and says the small people are rising up. Whitney, Jim and Ozzy take offense at this characterization, but that’s because they were being the bullies. Seriously, they just were not very nice to Cochran at first and it came back to bite them. That’s why you have to be nice to everybody, not just the pretty people.

Jim’s sanctimonious speech about playing honorably makes me want to vomit. I hate people like that. If Jim made a big move like that, he’d be so proud of himself. But someone does it to hurt him and he’s all barky barky about what a turncoat Cochran is.

Jim doesn’t give his necklace to Ozzy. But Jim?! What honor and loyalty and not being a turncoat and kissing Ozzy’s butt and all that? Lame.

The Vote

We see Jim vote for Cochran and Cochran vote for Ozzy. Then Ozzy is eliminated with six votes.

Redemption Island

Ozzy immediately catches a massive fish for him and Keith.

Immunity Challenge

Wow, this game is crazy pants tonight. The challenge is balancing on a beam while balancing a ball on a bow. If you want to sit out the challenge, you get to feast on pastries and iced coffee (which is not what I would want at all. How about some protein?).

Jim, Dawn and Whitney are the only ones who compete. Jim is out first, which is no big surprise, as a big oafy guy. Dawn then declares she’s fighting to stay in the challenge so the Upolus can eat and they all talk about how great she is. Yeah. Jim and Whitney definitely need to go next.

Dawn has a crazy recovery from a balance check. Wow. But then she falls and Whitney wins immunity. Sayonara, Jimbo.

Pre Tribal

Cochran is actually cutting loose and being fun. Guess why? ‘Cause the Upolus are being nice to him and not making fun of him.

Jim’s one big play is to talk to Sophie and Albert about voting out Edna with Dawn, Whitney and Jim. But Albert has a different idea. He thinks Dawn should go before Jim because Dawn is more likable. Awww.

Tribal Council

Gosh, weren’t we just here? Hilariously, it instantly devolves into one of Brandon’s patented meltdowns. I knew it was too good to be true, him acting so normal. Dawn makes a comment about how hard it was to watch everybody eat (which I”m sure it was, even if she didn’t begrudge them the food) and Brandon just …. I don’t even know, y’all. How does his brain even work?

Dawn is so patient (you can tell she has six kids) as she tries to calmly explain herself to Brandon, nip it in the bud before he gets a head of steam built up. But he doesn’t “buy it.” Whatever “it” is.

Whitney pipes up that she’s been vilified, but has played the game honestly. Well, she may have played the game honestly, but that’s not the issue. You’ve been vilified because you were mean to Cochran. Of course you don’t think you’re a bully. Bullies never think they’re bullies!

Seriously, I have no sympathy. I think the Savaiis, save Dawn and Papa Bear, were pretty crappy towards COchran and now – you reap what you sow. Stop crying, pretty blonde girl who has never had anyone be mean to her in her entire life and can’t handle it.

The Vote

Thankfully, Upolu votes out Jim instead of Dawn. I get why Dawn’s a threat, but I just like her a lot.

Next week: Albert finally makes a move? But Coach is the godfather, apparently. And Ozzy plots his revenge.

Posted by:Andrea Reiher

TV critic by way of law school, Andrea Reiher enjoys everything from highbrow drama to clever comedy to the best reality TV has to offer. Her TV heroes include CJ Cregg, Spencer Hastings, Diane Lockhart, Juliet O'Hara and Buffy Summers. TV words to live by: "I'm a slayer, ask me how."