Like an unplanned pregnancy, we knew what was coming — and never expected it to hurt so much.
In tonight’s (Aug. 29) “Teen Mom” series finale, we bid farewell to Maci Bookout, Farrah Abraham, Catelynn Lowell and Amber Portwood.
After four seasons of mama drama — plus their original “16 and Pregnant” episodes — “Teen Mom” ended with more of a whisper than a scream. The girls have grown up and moved on (or in Amber’s case, just, um, moved) and it’s time to let go.
So what happened before the final video montage?
Amber found herself a new “boy-toy”! Can you blame her? She’s going to be surrounded by women (depending on her behavior) for the next three to five years. Plus, Mike — who has obviously never watched a single episode of “Teen Mom” — thinks Amber’s a “sweetheart.”
Baby daddy Gary would beg to differ; in fact, he calls Amber a “whore” and a “slut puppy” before threatening to never let her see their daughter, Leah, again.
In the end, he apologizes and drops Leah off at Amber’s, where the two celebrate Leah’s third birthday by making cupcakes — and memories. We hope Leah remembers this mommy and me moment after Amber goes to prison a month later.
Bentley is also celebrating his birthday — but with Ryan instead of Maci. Which isn’t fair, because Maci “spent 37 hours in the hospital pushing Bentley out of [her] hoo-hoo.”
Since we’re tripping down memory lane tonight, let’s validate Maci’s feelings: Ryan does have a “convenient” parenting arrangement. His parents, especially Bentley’s Mimi, financially support both Ryan and his son, and no doubt Mimi does most of the child-care heavy lifting. The Ryanocerous has come a long way since he abandoned Maci with their newborn to party all night with his friends, but his 50-50 custody scheme is outrageous.
We’re all for legalizing their custody agreement, but Ryan’s attorney is deranged. “We need to put an end to that,” he says about Maci — gasp — living with her boyfriend. Doesn’t the fool lawyer realize he’s being filmed by the same network that gave us “Jersey Shore”?
At least Dalis calls her boyfriend out on his hypocrisy, pointing out that she and Ryan had talked about living together themselves.
Through all this, Maci manages to get a B on an important exam. She doesn’t identify the class, but based on her tweets (for example: “i cant believe im say this.. it the FINAL #TeenMom Tuesday EVER!”), we’re praying it’s not English.
“I haven’t seen an A in three years,” she says, reminding us again of how much she sacrificed for her adorable son. Well done, girl!
Meanwhile, Farrah has an A+ report card…how?! The woman is using bottled lime juice in her culinary school recipes.
With Sophia in Iowa with her mom, MTV had to put a call into central casting, bringing in a “neighbor” and “classmate” for Farrah to interact with in her final episode.
After a few unconvincing meetings with her “friends” (including making pastries with “lime juice”), Farrah returned to Iowa only to be chastised by her daughter.
“Mommy you’re a bad person,” she said, apropos of nothing (even lime juice) during lunch with Farrah’s sister.
What’s worse, she added, “I’m a bad person.”
What sort of crazy has Debra been feeding her granddaughter? For Sophia’s sake, we’re glad Farrah is finally independent, successful and raising her daughter on her own.
Catelynn and Tyler have been independent for quite a while now, and we couldn’t be more proud of these two. But the fact that their dog taking a dump on the carpet was a finale storyline makes it clear that it’s time for all of us to move on.
Of course we couldn’t sign off without one last Kleenex moment, courtesy of Tyler.
Ty is so mature beyond his years that it’s easy to forget how much his father damaged him.
“I don’t know why he doesn’t love me,” he cries to his counselor about Butch, a jailed drug addict whom he believes will ultimately “choose death” over recovery.
In the end, Tyler decides to write his father a Dear Butch letter, cutting ties with him for good.
Will April, Butch’s wife and Catelynn’s mom, do the same? Fingers crossed, but the cynical among us suspected Catelynn and Tyler were really babysitting Nick for the weekend so that April could visit Butch in prison.
Cue the highlights reel…
But wait, there’s more! “Teen Mom” isn’t over until Dr. Drew Pinsky says so, and there’s plenty more to come on the reunion special next week.